A Lesson From Bob Cochran: Happiness Is:

Emotions and how they effect us. I recently read we have six basic emotions or possibly just four if you can believe some researchers. The six emotions are Anger, Disgust, Fear, Happiness, Sadness and Surprise. Some researchers claim Fear and Surprise may be the same emotion and Anger and Disgust may also be the same emotion. Obviously there are different stages of emotions but FullSizeRender1313IMG_2154I wanted to share with you my latest and strongest interpretation of the emotion I consider the one most important to all of us: Happiness.

The attached article was written by my old friend Bob Cochran and it is from “The Taylor County News and The Butler Herald” dated Thursday December 24, 2015. Due to my lack of expertise with all things computer I apologize for the poor quality of the pictures and the article but I hope you can read this without straining your eyes too much.

I leave it for you to decide if this kind of friendship as described in Bob’s tribute to his fishing buddy, Doc Frank who had just passed away six days earlier isn’t one of the purest forms of Happiness.

Oddly enough Bob did not elaborate in the note he sent me with the paper about Doc Sams and Doc’s given name but since he had sent me the entire edition of that week’s paper I had the opportunity to thumb through it and I saw the obituary (also attached) of Dr. Frank H. Sams of Reynolds, Ga. He was 77.FullSizeRender1213

His life and life’s work was one of much giving and caring. Not only was I impressed by the life led by Dr. Frank Sams but I am equally impressed that Bob Cochran was moved to express the love he had for fishing and spending time with “Doc Frank.”

And that is one of the best definitions of “Happiness” I have ever had the pleasure of reading. Thank you Doc Frank for your service and your life’s work and a special thank you to Bob Cochran for sharing your story with us.

Support Your Police! Uncle Ben’s Tips for Dummy Thugs

There are many kinds of thugs in this world. You might remember The Beagle Boys who were cartoon thugs. They were always trying to steal Scrooge McDuck’s fortune. Now that is an understandable kind of thuggery because there is monetary gain in stealing (sometimes) but, today, there is a breed of thugs in this confusing world who have no idea why they are thugs. Because today’s thugs are so uncertain of their purpose in life, it is imperative we support our police forces just as much as possible to protect ourselves from the sheer stupidity of the youth of today who have decided to follow the thug’s life.

The Famous Beagle Boys

The Famous Beagle Boys

I feel compelled to ask you to speak to as many educators as possible in an effort to convince them we probably should stick to “Common Core” and any other whacko system our far left educators have come up with to educate our youth because their systems are not working.

It’s good the system isn’t working because the kids are getting dumber and dumber, but fret not, oh teachers of the stony heads. You are unwittingly keeping us safe from the very same dumb-downed kids you think you are educating.

Saggy Pants do not a scholar make.

Saggy Pants do not a scholar make.

What little brain he has is in the seat of those drawers.

What little brain he has is in the seat of those drawers.

You keep teaching what ever it is you think you have been teaching  because if these guys (mostly guys) get any smarter we will have done the policemen all across this great country a terrible disservice. I will do my best to help out by listing a few basic rules for dummy thugs so the police can catch a break on having to continually lock them up because of their idiocy. My helpful hints include about ten or twelve golden rules that should still keep us safe but maybe give the police a break from having to lock up every dumbass walking the street after midnight.

So here goes folks – Benjamin Swilley’s Tips For Dummy Thugs:

1 – Do not text and drive in ditches, on sidewalks or medians at the same time. You are not      invisible.

2 – Do not smoke dope, drink alcohol (especially if you are underage) and drive a car with      no insurance, with no tag lights, with no tag, with no tail lights, with headlights off and no      driver’s license or with a fake driver’s license. You are not invisible.

3 – Do not stand on other people’s cars if you have your pockets full of Xanax and no              prescription. You are not invisible.

4 – Do not strike a police officer and then turn and run straight into a tree. You are not              invisible…… but, to tell the truth, the tree probably did not see you coming.

5 – Do not urinate in a downtown Athens alley if you have warrant out for your arrest. You        are not invisible.

6 – Do not go to sleep on the commode in the Waffle House if you have an outstanding            warrant for your arrest. You were very visible when the manager had to unlock the door      so the police could haul your dumbass to jail.

7 – Do not call the police to come to your house because of a disturbance if you have a            warrant for your arrest sitting downtown just waiting on you.

8 – Don’t try to run from the police when you’re in a stolen car and you choose to go down      a dead end street. You are not invisible. In other words…..THEY SAWWWWW YOU!!!!

9 – Do not do push-ups in the Varsity parking lot while you are roaring drunk and you have      warrants out for your arrest. You are not invisible.

10 – Do not drink booze from a flask in downtown Athens if you are a 20 year old gal who          is too drunk to drop the flask back into your pocketbook before the policeman sees            you drop it on the ground. This time you were really, really visible.

11 – If you are homeless, do not raise hell with people who are giving you a place                        to stay and then they have to call the police and then the police find you have                      outstanding warrants for your arrest and then – do not tell them you have no place to          stay because they know that is not quite true because the police know a place where        you can spend the night. You have gone way beyond being visible.

12 – If you are exalted members of the bar do not think you and your fellow barrister are so        highly educated you can do no wrong so you decide to kick back in your downtown            Athens office and fire up a joint with a lady friend. The policemen walking the beat may        not have such finely polished and filigreed diplomas as you guys but these two had            excellent olfactory systems and they followed their trusty noses right to your office.            You were only temporarily invisible before the fine sniffers of the lawmen ferreted out          the wrongdoers.

 

This fine little book has become a rarity in the world of readers. Few have read it. I think Amazon will sell you one if there are any left. Just try geezergrit.com for more misinformation.

This fine little book has become a rarity in the world of readers. Few have read it. I think Amazon will sell you one if there are any left. Just try geezergrit.com for more misinformation.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Malcolm Mitchell – “The Magician’s Hat.”

11953168_410297495845025_6278741926024803135_nThis is how Malcolm Mitchell became my hero and it was not at a football game.

It is UGA football time and I don’t think nearly enough people have heard of Malcolm Mitchell’s impressive move from being one of college football’s premier wide receivers to being the author of a children’s book. It is a lateral move that generally has no parallel in the world of jocks.

UGA’s Mitchell has suffered past injuries that have kept him from being fully active on the football field. In a thought process that is far from average for young athletes today Mitchell apparently began to wonder what his mission in life would be if he could no longer play football. During his musings over his future he must have seriously realized how precious a college education was going to be for him if he couldn’t earn a living as a football player. It was at this same time he worried over the fact he was not exactly your average speed reader. In fact, he knew he was not such a hot reader at all.

You’ve really got to admire a young guy who sees his future as clearly as Malcolm Mitchell saw his. He made a trip down to the Barnes and Nobles Bookstore. While searching for material he thought he could read and understand, he saw a woman customer choosing several books. Mitchell made a wide receiver’s quick decision to catch this woman and to ask her advice about reading material for himself.

He approached this lady, asked her a few questions and before you could say Malcolm Mitchell is in a book club, Malcolm Mitchell was in a book club. He found he was the only guy in the club, the only black person in the club and he was the youngest person in the club.

After joining the club and he beginning to master the reading part of the reading and writing equation his next play was to go for the long ball. That’s right, he wrote his own book. His childrens’ book, “The Magician’s Hat” can be found on any respectable website that sells books. Get your copy now.

This is a short sweet message about how Malcolm Mitchell discovered all those other worlds in all those books but it is basically the same story we all lived. We knew not much at all until we began to seriously read. All we know and have learned we learned mostly from reading. Thankfully we were taught to read by caring people and, by the right flip of the coin, Malcolm Mitchell chose a book club made up of older white women who undoubtedly gave him many helpful hints on reading and writing.

And so, my fellow Americans, all we really need to do is to get back to the basics of education for our young people; the school kids who keep floundering as they approach each new level of education they hope to attain.

All we need to do is find that Magician’s Hat that Malcolm Mitchell found. There is a magic wand in that hat with a four letter word stamped on it…..READ.

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I’ll bet you can tell this came from The Athens Banner-Herald newspaper.

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Day Three-Camp Kay-Athens, Georgia-2015

In years past Camp Kay might last a week or even two weeks but now that I’m a big girl things have changed. We didn’t have Camp Kay last year. Everybody was too busy being busy.  I think the three day abbreviated Camp Kay we just experienced we can hold in our UGA hearts a long, long time. I’m not too sure about how long the memories will last for for Uncle Ben because I overheard him telling Aunt Kay he thinks he might not live more than a couple of more weeks. He called us the Precious “Princesses of Primp” and he said we were doing great at it because we took the obligatory two to three hours to get all that war-paint and Fuji-water splashed on this morning right before we ate two water melons, four pounds of tomatoes, a pound of boiled peanuts and enough grapes to make five gallons of good wine if you stomped on them hard enough (he said). Then we packed our bags in twenty-seven seconds flat and left.

FullSizeRender222As Uncle Ben later said, “All good things must come to an end. the Bulldog Lovers Club have packed up and are heading back to South Georgia in the sleek white “Escape-mobile” with the “Ego-Boost” tag on it. It was not quite like the old Western movies he said he used to watch where John Wayne got on his trusty steed and moseyed off into the sunset but it had to do. We blazed out of there in a cloud of dust and with one long honk on the horn we were out of sight. I’m pretty sure Uncle Ben hid all the chips and candy we took to Athens with us. I think he has to sneak around and eat chocolate because it isn’t good for him. He tells Aunt Kay he has a lot of trouble keeping his ‘weight up.’FullSizeRender225

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We had a good time downtown before we left for home. I’m not sure what this rope we are swinging on in the pictures is attached to but we heard on the radio as we were leaving the Athens City Limits that a huge water tower had toppled over near Broad Street and rampaging water had washed away over twenty businesses that are now all stacked up together down on the campus on Lumpkin Street.

Oh well. As was said in the movies a long, long time ago, “Tomorrow is another day!”

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You should be able to simply click on the lovely blue shawl of this sweet old grandmotherly woman and be taken without further ado to Amazon.com where they just so happen to sell copies of this adorable little book. If you don’t know how to go “Click” with your mouse just forget about it. You won’t understand the book either.

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Day Two – Camp Kay – Ken Ken and Mary John – Athens 2015

Aunt Kay took us in a neat little shop called Entourage. We decided to buy just earrings while we were there. Uncle Ben said the loop earrings were so big they looked like the kind monkeys used to swing on at the circus.

IMG_2764Then we went into town and we parked behind the Tate Center at UGA so we could visit the book store. We were surprised and delighted to see a large football type person we thought we knew from South Georgia. He came out of the Student Center and got in a van. We backtracked a few steps so we could catch up with him and say hello and tell him we were from Albany. By the time we got to the van he was already entering the side door and he spun around in surprise and gave us a totally blank look before we could even speak. Then the door took one of those embarrassing, unceremonious slides and clicked shut before we ever got a chance to say a word. The van drove off while we were still standing on our tongues. I was in a state of shock but once we got in the book store we realized how goofy we must have looked and we laughed and laughed and laughed.

IMG_2768Once we got used to the book store we tried as many ways as possible to find expensive things that had Bulldogs and UGA emblazoned all over them. We had a great time looking at all the good stuff you can spend a fortune on to prove you are a die hard Bulldawg lover. Then Aunt Kay made us put it all back on the shelf because, as she             IMG_2771

said, “We cannot give your fathers ulcerative colitis because you want to buy all the red and black paraphernalia in Athens, Georgia.

We went to The Off Broadway Show Warehouse. We tried onIMG_2773   over 200 pairs of shoes in 45 minutes. A nice young guy waited on us there. I was a little bit confused by him because when we first went in the store he looked like he had a head full of light brown hair but when we left I noticed there seemed to be places on his head that were bald. Maybe I missed something that happened while we were trying on shoes.

Last night we went out the Atlanta Highway to The Olive Garden. Mary John’s sister Marli met us there and so did Paul Swilley. Paul has a full beard that is three or four colors. He looks like he’s a lot older with that beard. We had a pretty good time. We had a waiter who speaks   IMG_2784IMG_2782English with a heavy Italian accent. Uncle Ben speaks English in three or four pidgin dialects that sound like a shepherd’s frantic plea when a wolf is attacking the sheep and the cattle are all dying….all at the same time. It was a Mexican standoff….I think. Uncle Ben says he won. Paul tried to referee but Uncle Ben sometimes gets excited and he wouldn’t let anybody else talk…including the waiter.

The waiter was a good salesman and he was trying to add side order after side order to Ben’s Seafood Alfredo. The waiter was going, “Dada,dada,dada,dada,” and Uncle Ben was going, “Nada,nada,nada,nada,nada.” Anyhow Uncle Ben says he won because he only had a few mushrooms added to his dish when he finally got it.

At last we got back to the house and Uncle Ben found peace in an easy chair where we probably should have filmed a historical first….a man who can snore from his mouth, nose and ears…..all at the same time.                                                        IMG_2776

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Probably, maybe, and quite possibly if you click on the picture above it will automatically shoot you straight to Amazon.com and they can tell you how you can purchase this fine little, clean little, amusing little book for a mere pittance. That would be the picture of the lovely older woman in the beautiful blue shawl and you will magically find a way to buy this book so I will have more peanut butter and jelly sandwiches next year. If I don’t live that long I will get my wife to mail the peanut butter and jelly directly to you.

 

Return to Camp Kay – Ken Ken and Mary John – Athens July, 2015

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Aunt Kay says to tell you she does have a few chairs around the house but we didn’t look like we had been using chairs. She thinks that is because They taught us at DW you can’t fall off the floor.

To my Mama –  Kim Cooper Brooks.

We blew into town on Monday afternoon in my beautiful white Ford Escape. Uncle Ben said Escape was a good name for the car because we looked like escapees he has seen in the past right before they are captured and returned to prison. He also said the little sign on the back of the car that reads “Ego-Boost” was appropriate for us because we looked like we could stand some ego boosting. I almost didn’t have heart to tell the old blind rascal that the little tag reads “EcoBoost.”

He said he was glad we didn’t roar into town in a Ferrari because he felt sure you and Daddy and Mary John’s folks would want us to be safe and well protected where ever we go and that might be tough for him because he gave away all his baseball bats years ago. He says baseball bats are best for knee-capping eager teenaged rebels who want to hang out around your door when pretty young girls are visiting. What does “Knee-Capping” mean?

Aunt Kay is taking us shopping this afternoon. I forget the name of the place but I think it is a French word for “Let’s see how much we can get in American dollars from these crazy women who obviously like to adorn themselves in baubles, bangles, bracelets, rings and other useless junk straight from China. Uncle Ben says that’s no real problem because girls usually bring home inanimate objects that are fairly harmless. boys bring home snakes and frogs and things that will either bite you or scare the hell out of you.

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Uncle Ben says we are camera conscious lens hogs. The minute the camera came out we both turned and gave it a big winning smile.

Tonight we are going into town to eat at the Olive Garden. We chose the Olive Garden because Aunt Kay has a fist full of gift cards for the Olive Garden and Uncle Ben says he loves a woman who eats sensibly. He says he will clean up for the occasion but I heard him tell Aunt Kay he was tired so he was just going to shave the right side of his face. Then he’s going to sit to everybody’s left. If photos are taken his best side will be to the camera.

We are going to have our cameras ready tonight because Aunt Kay says she can use some good photos of him with just half his face shaved to show the judge when she’s having him committed. What does “Committed” mean?

Amazon.com will actually sell you one of these totally self-immersible books. That means you can really get into it. It is not waterproof.

 

 

The Saga of Hunter “Hard Boiled” Brooks – Call Me H.B.

The Way It All Began

I had been around a while. I sensed the folks were getting short tempered with me. I’m pretty clever at picking up on signs of discordancy. About the third time my old man said, “You’ve been hanging around here doing nothing for over three years. Why don’t you get out and get a job? Do something constructive,” I knew I had to make a break for the wide open spaces. I also knew I could not make my own way in the world without a grubstake to get me started. I needed money and lots of it. I managed to get out to Uncle Ben’s house with some people on a stagecoach. At Uncle Ben’s I knew I could disappear right before their eyes. It was time for me to go. I was more than fed up with all that cheek-pinching, jowl-shaking and old-woman chin-clucking. I knew I could make it on my own.

First I headed for the back yard. I knew that’s where ‘Ol Ben kept his fastest horses. I  worked my way around the yard to confuse the crowd. Uncle Ben grabbed me a couple of times to chat but I was like Wiley Coyote. I did some serious gurgling and he thought I was going to throw up on him so he turned me loose…pretty fast too.

FullSizeRender 26FullSizeRender 25After I got up and brushed myself off I saw my Cuz Shay Briggs watching me out of the corner of her eye. Then she watched me out of the corners of both her eyes and when her eyes crossed I knew I had her where I wanted her. Grabbing the soccer ball I quickly maneuvered around her and headed for the horse barn. I had almost made my way clear when ‘Ol Ben grabbed me again. This called for more serious measures. We were at a picnic table with a group of seriously boring people. I think most of them were goat farmers. I could smell goat in the crowd somewhere. It might have been “Ol Ben’s breath. Whewwww!! It seemed to me I was trapped for a minute but the Wily Coyote came back to me in a flash and I started doing some world class gagging. ‘Ol Uncle Ben dropped me on my head so fast I didn’t  think I would ever get it back up out of my rib cage.

FullSizeRender 27I took off again. This time I tried a new tack. I headed for the fireplace in the sun room. I found a book and sat down in front of the fireplace. I had known for years how to appear obsequious and fawning. I stayed by the fire waiting my chance but there were just too many of these completely boring old people milling about. I edged my way back toward the kitchen.

I circled around behind the kitchen counter and leaped up on it. I grabbed my top hat and immediately went into my old Sinatra-Astaire routine but it proved to be too much action for me. Wild women were clutching and grabbing at me. They plied me with adult drinks. I ran for it. I made my way backstage for a wardrobe change. I used my next routine to divert their attention as I fine-tuned my escape plan.  FullSizeRender 31FullSizeRender 9                                FullSizeRender 29

Nothing can conceal your true intentions like wearing the original Cat in the Hat-hat. I did  FullSizeRender 4my first impression of the Dr. Seuss Crazy Cat while juggling at the same time. I am expertly expert at juggling (with one ball) but I did discover, almost too late, that you need to be able to see the balls if you juggle them. Even if you use just one ball. As soon as I got a good chance I managed to slip under the wire and make my get away back to a secret room inside the bathroom where this guy had slot machines set up. The guy looked vaguely familiar. He looked a lot like my Daddy but I think there was a human hand hanging from his mouth. I turned my back on him and worked magic on his one-armed-bandit. There was no way he could catch me. I was too quick for him. I could see him frowning in concern but it didn’t matter. My plan  was working. It only took me a few minutes to outwit the                                                                                                                               FullSizeRender 5

FullSizeRender 2        FullSizeRender - 3slot machine.  With a wicked grin I showed the strange man the loot I had won from his stupid one-armed bandit. Laughing hysterically I ran out the back door, mounted one of Uncle Ben’s trustiest steeds and rode off into the moonlight. I have never been seen or heard from since that day…..until now. I only share this story with you because I miss my dog………..and sometimes my Sister.

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Fuji Water and Body Wash- Do Not Use It! It Can Kill You!

I know most of you have led a sheltered life and you don’t have the faintest clue what Fuji Water is and I know you are not going to worry about it  because you feel sure that I am going to tell you whether you want to hear it or not.

Well don’t be so damned sarcastic. This is serious business. You can lose various body parts or your head and even your life just by wearing Fuji Water or any sweet-water in the wrong place at the wrong time.

It just happened to me yesterday. I’m lucky to be alive but let me tell you how it all happened. I have a cousin who lives far from civilization. Her name is Pearline Packard and she lives in Downtown Atlanta. Every year along about Christmas, Pearline sends me a gift. I never reciprocate because I am afraid this thing may escalate and ruin my reputation as a real man.

Pearline sent me a bottle of Fuji Water. It gets worse. Katie Mae insisted I use it! I would have flat refused to even open the bottle but Katie Mae is still pretty strong and I have aged a good bit. I’m pretty sure she can whup my ass. To tell the truth I think she always could. I just had her believing that I am a martial arts expert. I told her I know Tae Kwon Do, Judo, Jiu Jitsu, Karate and some more Oriental words like that. I had her water-buffaloed…… I thought.

Anyhow, being a survivalist, in my own small way, I took this bottle of venom into my shower. My son Paul had already sniffed the top of the open bottle and declared this stuff was too sweet and too loud. When I had first smelled it I decided it was a bit more subtle than I had thought it would be but once I got the shower hot and steamy I opened that bottle and a pure Satanic essence of hell floored me. I fell down in the shower. I was worried about using it but I was afraid not to. I finally overpowered my intense fear and washed my left leg with the body wash. Just my left leg and suddenly the bathroom smelled like a shuttle bus full of French whores. I fell again.

When I left the house I found my car wouldn’t start. Kay got me half-way to the Coumadin Clinic before the scent overwhelmed her and she made me get out of her car. I walked to the Coumadin Clinic where the pharmacy student who checks my blood made me move from one side of her desk to the other. Then she made me leave the room and sit in a hallway. She ran by my chair and threw the needle at my finger like a dart. It wasn’t as embarrassing in the hallway as you might think because everybody cleared the hall when I got out there.

I’m telling you, if you are a manly fellow, steer clear of Sweet Water, Loud Fuji Water and Body Washes. They can only get you killed unless you are a girly man and it’s expected you will wear pretty perfumes.

I tried to catch a bus back home but we had only gone a couple of blocks before the students on board kicked me off the bus and then they began to throw heavy volumes of scholarly books at me. I still have knots on my head. The sorry bus driver took advantage of my pathetic circumstances and tried to run me over with his bus. He ruined my right foot. It’s flatter and longer than the left one.

It took me three hours to hobble back to the house. I had to limp through the hood and I was apprehensive about my safety but I shouldn’t have worried.

Nobody came within fifty feet of me.

Order From Amazon.com

This book should still be available at Amazon.com and I know you are dying to have a copy. Left click on the lady’s shawl and they should tell you how you can be so lucky as to own your very own copy.

 

Christmas in NYC? Beware the Clowns in Comic Costumes.

Getting caught between the moon and New York City is a piece of cake compared to getting punched in the eye by Spider Man.

If you are planning a trip to the Big City be sure you do not take any selfies with Spider Man or any other Bozo in a weird outfit  for that matter. Times Square seems to be filling up with idiots costumed as cartoon and comic book characters. They want you to have a photo taken with them but once the picture is snapped, they expect a big tip for blessing you with their presence in the photo.

In recent months two different Spider Man characters have attacked people. One guy punched a woman and another struck a cop. Cookie Monster shoved a two year old and Elmo has unleashed an anti- Semitic tirade on the street.

Super Mario was accused of groping a woman. I always thought Super Mario was a sneaky looking dude. Look at him. You can’t even see his lips and how can you really tell what Cookie Monster and Elmo are thinking? They both have the wide-eyed, slack-jawed look of true idiot savants.

So whatever you do if you are seriously planning to visit New York City, do not mix, mingle or fraternize with local zombies who are out to scam you out of your money for a cheesy photo. Remember that hot temper of yours. Your first impulse may be to smack the hell out of any cartoon character tugging at your sleeve or reaching for your wallet.

Be sure you restrain the urge to kill the offender. Just two things can happen if you hit Mickey Mouse with your fist and neither one is a good thing. Either millions of kids are going to hate you intensely for smacking poor Mickey or………………you will be the laughing stock of America after Mickey whups your ass.         Maybe you should just stay home.

 

Order From Amazon.com

Believe it or not, even though there has been a massive rush in the sales of this fabulous and wonderful little book written for old people Amazon has recently discovered they still have eight or twenty-three copies in their rapidly diminishing inventory. Just click on the little lady’s blue shawl and you will go straight to Amazon.com where they can show you how to buy this small and happy book. Hurry. They could sell out any second now.

Your Pet Lives on…..in the Form of a Drone.

It’s best to wait until your pet has died before you decide you want to have it stuffed and turned into something as practical as a drone. Who wouldn’t want a Labrador Drone to use for cruising your neighborhood while all the while sending back exciting photos of your neighbors jabbering, gesticulating wildly and excitedly pointing directly at your camera lens which is conveniently, also mounted……up the dear dog’s derriere.

I recently mentioned on Facebook that Dutch inventors Bart Jansen and Arjen Beltman are incorporating stuffed bodies of dearly departed pets into mechanical parts of drones that will actually fly. Now pets and other animals that go through this transition receive a sense of freedom they never experienced in life.

I first read of 13 year old Pepeijn Bruins losing his pet rat Ratjetoe to cancer. He asked the enterprising inventors to stuff his rat and turn it into a radio-controlled drone and they eagerly agreed. Now young Pepeijn has a flying rat these two ingenious men turned into a precious and cute lean-mean-flying-machine.

They also built a shark drone. You get the idea of what these fellows can do when you hear they turned a dead shark into a drone. How would you like to be relaxing in your pool just sunning and floating around on an air mattress when you happen to look up and instead of swimming under you in the water at a beach, a big fierce looking shark is hovering over you grinning and leering at all your old wrinkled body parts. Now that is a perfect reason to blow a drone out of the air with a double barreled shotgun. When your friends see it on your living room wall and say, “Where did you get the shark?” you can honestly answer, “Oh, I shot that big mother about a hundred feet over the top of my house.”

They also built a drone out of a dead ostrich. I hope he was dead.Forget about the ostrich. They are big, bulky, mean-tempered and ugly and the one they built should have been made into a blimp.

Order From Amazon.com

I did not have any drone stories in this fine little book I threw together one weekend down in Margaritaville but it is still pretty interesting if you happen to be doing studies on pathological liars. Just click on the book cover and you will automatically be flown directly to Amazon.com where they will gladly sell you this book for chump change.

I believe their crowning achievement has been referred to as their “epic” taxidermied cat  “Orvillecopter.” I really like Orvillecopter. He looks like an action cat to me. I’ll bet if old Orvillecopter were still around he would be super proud of his ability to soar with the birds.

So this seems to be the direction drone makers are taking nowadays. Think about how much fun you can have flying your ex-pet around the neighborhood and spying on the folks you really want to annoy. I suggest you keep the size of your pet to a minimum. I recently asked the inventors if I could get a number one South Georgia feeder pig stuffed and all rigged out as a drone and they laughed and laughed. They thought I was kidding.