I understand that today’s woman is going to spend more than one third of her life suffering menopause madness. I am also aware you women know all about proper diet and exercise and I sure as hell can’t help you if you are suffering from vaginal dryness. First of all, I’m not familiar with that ailment because I don’t have one and the few times in my sad life I was granted glorious and wondrous access to one, I became so embroiled in my own pathetic issues I forgot all about the poor gal’s dire straits. It certainly was not an academic endeavor and here 55 years later, I am still totally ignorant of the magical mechanisms that made it all so wonderfully possible.
Anyhow, I was reading this health magazine and I came across an article that insisted you can have a happy, healthy, harmless menopause. I wanted to share this article with all you older girls because I sincerely sympathize with those of you who are going through the menopause madness and I feel especially sorry for any poor guy who may be associated with you while you are suffering. I know you are inclined to make him hurt if you are hurting. I like the “harmless” part the best because it means “Harm-Free” to me. I remember, all too vividly, a hasty retreat into a bathroom and slamming the door behind me in a flash but not soon enough to prevent a can of violently thrown hair spray from flying through a small crack left in the door just before it slammed shut. The hair spray can struck me with great force. It was the tall kind with 30% more spray in it, brand new, fully filled and heavy as hell. The bottom edge of the can plowed a bloody furrow into my thinly skinned ankle bone. You know, the ankle bone that makes you cry when you slightly rake it on a door jamb or someone gives you a light lover’s kick! The crying part is no joke. I was on the bathroom floor for over 30 minutes trying to assuage my flaming wound. I could hear evil cackles and laughs right outside the bathroom door. It was a horrible experience and I probably deserved some detention time for whatever it was that I had done but a hair spray can to the ankle is cruel and unusual punishment. I feel proud that I can usually take my punishment like a man. Like the time I laid out drinking until the wee hours and came home in a drunken stupor and passed out in empty bunk bed in my son’s bedroom.. I awoke the next morning to loud, screaming, blaring gospel music inside my fragile skull. She had duct taped a transistor radio to my head and turned it on full volume to the transmission of the Sunday morning service from the Cutliff Grove Baptist Church. I never complained (much) about the radio or that removing the tape ripped half the hair from my head, but I admit, I’m still pretty pissed about the can to the ankle penalty.
So, in an effort to help you and my fellow (suffering) man out I wanted to pass on a couple of obvious things you can do if you have hit the age of the Hot Flash Honeys. Quit smoking. Smoking can kill you ten different ways and you have not given one single thought to any of the ways it can kill you. Stopping smoking can also help your hot flashes. Don’t drink too much booze or coffee and cut out spicy foods. Now I know you can do this because I have little will power and I have cut out booze and coffee and chocolate and most spicy foods. I only feel suicidal about every ten minutes so I know it can be done. I don’t think I’m menopausal. I am old and worn out.
Those ways to ease the menopausal pain and anguish are pretty obvious. What’s less obvious is right there inside your head. Make time for yourself. Learn to relax as often as you can. Take breathers occasionally that help you air out your befuddled brain. It really helps to get to get the cobwebs out. Stop and watch yourself. Be more aware of your body and what you are doing with your hands and arms and legs and feet. Think about what you are doing. Think about the ‘now moment.’ What are you doing right now. Stop and think about the pen in your hand . Where did this copy paper originate? Was it a tree in a great forest far from here? I just ate potato salad mixed with chicken salad and butter beans, all in the same bowl. I studied the food and the way it looked in the bowl and wondered why I put it all in the same bowl. I thought about my elbow. Contemplate your elbow .Relax. Did you know you can’t kiss your elbow. Stop for a minute and try to kiss your elbow. Soon you will have everybody around you trying to kiss their own elbows. Life is tough. It can be less tough if you take time for yourself and your unkissable elbows.