A Better Class of Criminals!

Many people do not remember Lester Maddox but Maddox was one of the most illustrious and productive governors to ever serve Georgia. He was Governor from 1967 to 1971 and then served as Lt. Governor from 1971 to 1975. Remembered as a backwoods,red-necked segregationist, Maddox was actually a street smart Atlanta boy.

Since we sometimes enjoy recounting his off-the-cuff, dumb-ass remarks I thought I would repeat my favorite. When asked what could be done about the abysmal conditions in Georgia prisons, Maddox remarked, “We need a better class of prisoner.”

I love that remark and the statement remains true today. I am a news junkie and one of the first things I do every morning is read the police blotter reports in the “Athens Banner-Herald.” Most are excellently written by Joe Johnson and almost all are characterized by a clearly apparent societal need:  “We need a better class of criminal.”

Following is a list of just a few of the stupid things Athens criminals have done recently that put them in the express lane to the slammer:

– Speeding…… in a stolen car. Speeding –A proven attention getter! Driver escapes on           foot. He’s the one who got away!

– Speeding 74 in posted 65 MPH limit. Gives bogus ID information. Has 2 outstanding                  warrants. Police get to know her better.

– Exits car, leaves parking lights on and wanders around apartment parking lot aimlessly at           2:00 AM. Looking for a bogus friend, “Chris.” Police find marijuana and scales in car.

– Another wanderer. Aimlessly looking up and down and back and forth outside apartment             building. Constant rubber-necking attracts Police attention. Police investigate and                find his weed and the scales hidden in the real weeds.

-Failure to dim lights for Police car. Police stop convicted felon with weed and pistol in car.

-Playing loud music. Neighbors complain. Cops smell marijuana at the door. Bad boys            have weed scattered throughout house. Advice – If you’re going to jam while you
deal, use earbuds.

-Passenger without seat belt fastened – Police stop results in marijuana bust. Policeman
feeling paternal wanted to be sure the lad was safe….so he put him in a cell.

– Stopped for homemade cardboard license plate. Do not deliver weed to your customers            if you do not have a valid license plate. Policemen are inquisitive. They want to hear
the sad story of how you lost your auto tag.

– Stealing cars that have broken down on the road. Stealing disabled cars has occurred               twice recently in Athens. Come on fellows, steal Jags, Mercedes or BMW’s. Steal
cars that will crank and run. Is there an unwritten rule that if you have to manually
push it six blocks, you didn’t really steal it?

-Traffic stop results in search that produces crack found in a man’s mouth. The report
does not say, whose crack it is or whose mouth it’s in.

Our local criminals have never learned that police will stop your car if the license plate lights are not burning. Usually there two of these little lights and either one can be burned out. A burned out license tag light is much like a huge magnet to a Police car.

The Police will pay a “drive up” courtesy call right to your car and give you a friendly warning. However, if your car smells like a marijuana smoke stack, the visit will become more serious and that’s when all the formal introductions are made. This would be the perfect time to remember your real name and where you live.

Keeping the little plate lights shining brightly would be a good first lesson for crooks to remember but they refuse to learn!! They have been raised to believe they are invisible.

It all boils down to this! We need a better class of criminal!

Post script for Lester Maddox – To give old Lester Maddox his due, the backwoods, red-neck segregationist advanced the cause of education immeasurably with money to schools and money to school teachers and it has been often noted that during his administration as Governor, there were more African-Americans appointed to executive positions and given state jobs than in all previous administrations combined.






Beware of Brazilian Wax – Send it Back to Rio…..or Paris!

I started out with great intentions. I read an article on the dangers of Brazilian waxing and it seemed to me that ladies everywhere would appreciate knowing how costly this waxing could be if you are not careful. Apparently I completely misread and misunderstood the article. I am so embarrassed. But here is what I have learned after I read the idiotic article at least five times.

I thought this would be a great blog for girls. I thought girls were big on waxing and buffing hyper erotic (hypogastric) regions to signify the long awaited arrival of spring and the swim-suited summer. I was sooooo wrong!!

The article I just read clearly states that Brazilian waxing and other methods of removing that bothersome, curly, unwanted covering can increase the risks of physically active people contracting certain STD’s. The Sexually Transmitted Disease the article addressed, in particular, is named Molluscum contagiosum. This is a skin infection and it results in raised, pearl-like spots on the infected areas. From that description and from my vast knowledge of Latin I have determined that Molluscum contagiosum translates (roughly) into, “transmissible oysters (or maybe bivalves). That’s where the pearls come into the picture.

Anyhow I thought this was something that could be charitably shared with any number of  women who had not yet heard of this terrible malady. I was sooooo wrong! Most women I have mentioned this to seemed totally disinterested so I went back and checked the article a second time. After rereading the article I believe this warning should be directed to younger folks and only if they wax, clip or shave their body hair. Aberrations created in the skin like small nicks or cuts while engaging in hair removal can make it easier for a virus or skin infection to occur and especially if you are not carefully choosing the people you play with.

Obviously this article was for much younger people. My circle of friends and most the old gals and guys I am aware of do not indulge in wanton waxing, close shaves or indiscriminate clipping. In fact thoughts of sexual activity in people our age have been known to to cause the onset of myocardial infarction.

In fact, this article about Brazilian Waxing probably should not have appeared in North America at all!

Going through these crazy gyrations has taught me to actually look at words as I read. I believe I am now reading better. I realized this when it hit me that I understood nothing this sad story was trying to tell me until I had read it for the fourth time. If I had read it better, to begin with, I would have seen that there were only 30 patients in the stupid study. Of the thirty people: 70% shaved, 13 % clipped and 10 % waxed their unwanted hair. Ten of the 30 already had warts or a bacterial infection. This is the part that just kills me. Did I mention this just kills me. Well, this just kills me……..24 of the 30 patients were men. Can you imagine that???  And to add to the disgraceful ignominy of it all, this study was made in, of all disreputable countries, France.

Can’t you just see all those fancy-pants Frenchmen prancing around in their speedos once they have had troublesome hair zipped and ripped from their nether regions. Now we know why such a high percentage in the study shaved. Those little girly Frenchmen couldn’t take all the pain that comes with a real wax job!

Men who wear speedos should be subjected to corporal punishment and thrashed soundly with hickory or red oak limbs. They probably would be, but it’s likely they would enjoy it too much. No man sashaying around in a tiny slip of cloth like that should be viewed by the general public.

Certain athletes (swimmers, surfers, scuba divers, for example)  have to compete in such gear. We should give them a pass. It does get pretty hard to take when you see elephantine weight lifters and sumo wrestlers in tights and tiny wraps but we should also give them a pass because they are competing in their sport plus they are really big people and they can hurt you.

About the time, I thought I should finish this or throw it away somebody put a video clip on Facebook showing a bunch of people doing an aerobic workout by a pool. Everybody looked fairly fit with the exception of this big old lard-assed boy who thought he looked stupendous. You never saw such carrying on and strutting about.

His gut was so large if you could have hollowed him out and kept him walking, you could have sneaked four full cases of bottled beer into the ball game, iced down, in his torso. He could be a walking tailgate party all by himself. This boy had perfected super-gut and was tremendously proud of every pound. He knew he looked marvelous.

I didn’t tell the rest of the story.

Old pork barrel had on a SPEEDO. That’s right. Our man of the hour (and perhaps the whole day) had on a speedo. You could hardly see it because his belly had lapped it at least once. Fat overshadowed everything within fifteen feet of the boy.

It was a fitting end to a story about the dangers of Brazilian waxing, clipping and shaving. I imagined a horror scene in a movie with fifteen or twenty people working feverishly on Mr. Tubby trying to get all that horrible hair off his hide.

Since I have no earthly idea how to share this atrocious sight with you I can tell you where to find it. It can be seen as, “Sometimes you should dance like no one’s watching.” It’s on YouTube and Epic Videos. http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=17y-SgA1680

You can’t miss the guy. It is poolside by a beach. Lots of pool chairs are in the background and a young trainer is leading the workout. There are several pretty women participating who are demurely covered in swim suit coverups but our hero is letting it all hang out. He is the only one with a huge belly and whoever made the video kept the camera glued to him.

I’m sure they immediately recognized the humor value the scene provided and they certainly had the right idea. On a laughter scale of one to one hundred this video has gone over the top. The thing has gone viral. I saw one copy that had been viewed three million times and comments on the post looked to be in Russian.

Maybe one day we will find him beached by the sea. It is not uncommon for certain species of whales. He can be saved but we would have to capture him and ship him to France so they can wax his big ass.







Memory – What Happened to Henery Hawk?

New research about Ambien is out and now they are saying that Ambien actually has some benefits for those of us who are bereft of sleep and spend far too many nights trying to outrun bad new dreams and old wicked nightmares.

I only take the half an Ambien tablet that Katie Mae does not take. They are tiny tablets to begin with and after Katie Mae puts one on the chopping block they become almost microscopic.

Now researchers are saying that inside these little bitty pills are compartments shaped like big plastic storage boxes. The boxes can magically attract your dreams and capture them inside. Once your dreams are in the box they are consolidated into short term and long term memories. Short term memories are often changed into long term memories by bursts of brain activity. Researchers call these bursts, “Sleep spindles.” Ambien can create sleep spindles, or so they say.

This is pretty cool because when you get my age, your short term memories have a habit of hitting the road and moving on. I once read that by the time you are 46 you have maxed out your memory and it becomes harder and harder for you to store anything in there because it is crammed full of incidental useless bits of random information. I think this happened to me when I was about six or seven. I need a box of that long term memory.  As a matter of fact, I could use a box car full of long term memory.

Anyhow, after reading about Ambien and sleep spindles I realized Ambien may be the reason I keep getting strong jolting flashes of old memories from my youth.

For example, why in the world did I sit straight up in the bed just the other night? It was because I could hear singing. By the time I was straight up it didn’t take me but an instant to realize that I had heard the song before.

Not only had I heard that song before but I remembered who was singing the songs. It was Michigan J. Frog. If you don’t remember Michigan J. Frog you need to pump up your failing memory by looking him up on Google. He had a top hat and a cane and he came out of a box singing “Hello My Baby, Hello My Honey; I’m Just Wild About Harry; The Michigan Rag;” and many more that you know and love. He even sang an aria from Rossini’s, “The Barber of Seville.” He had a long dry spell between 1955 when we first saw him and his second big hit that came along in 1995.

Since I had already gotten out of bed to listen to Michigan J. Frog another oldie but newly activated memory hit me right between the eyes. Where in the hell is Henery Hawk?  Did he get bumped by Mickey Mouse?

Mickey Mouse. Did you ever take a good look at Mickey Mouse? He is just nowhere near real. Mickey has on stupid little red short shorts with no fly and a couple of phony looking big white buttons on the front and get an eyeful of those shoes. They’re just big oddly shaped orange colored blobs.

Henery Hawk is one of my all-time favorites. He was the real deal. He was a little confused but his wardrobe people were head and shoulders above Mickey’s designer. When I say he was a little confused, it’s only because he was so young and he had not been properly schooled in the, “How to identify a chicken'” school.

Okay, so he didn’t know what a chicken looked like but he was all heart and strong as a little ox. It didn’t matter if he was pulling the Barnyard Dawg or Foghorn Leghorn all over the barnyard. He was tough and he was strong. He could snatch either one of those big ol’ boys around and he always got his rooster…. or his dog or whatever and either one of them was about ten times bigger than Henery.

Another thing great about Henery was he was our age. His first appearance was in 1942 and for some strange reason he gave up show biz in 1961. I guess he was just sick of the rat race (read Mickey Mouse).

He did twelve shows but after 1961 Foghorn kept encroaching on his territory. Foghorn was always jealous of Henery’s stardom and he was forever spreading rumors and stories about Henery’s sexuality. You remember back in those years, people would never have tolerated a homosexual chicken hawk in  the movies.

To make matters worse, Foghorn had a love interest. Henery was never given a girlfriend on any of his shows and this could have helped the demise of his career as a big barnyard star.

Foghorn had the old widow chickeness, Miss Prissy. She had a crush on Foghorn and he desperately wanted to live with her in her chicken house because it was warm in there but he could never bring himself to woo and court Miss Prissy properly.

It’s true Foghorn always had the best lines. I remember one time he said, “That dog’s as subtle as a hand grenade in a barrel of oatmeal.” My favorite Foghorn line was when he told Miss Prissy that she reminded him of the old Paul Revere story. “A little light in the belfry.”

And that’s the way it goes in life too. It’s all about who you know. The script writers loved Foghorn more and he got the best lines.

Henery was small and it was not easy for him to protect himself in the harsh Hollywood atmosphere. He was 19 years old in 1961. He had long outgrown the baby chicken hawk role and it was getting pretty hard to sell the old line that he didn’t know what a chicken looked like.

But I loved him and I say, “What the hell. They could have given him thick glasses and he could have gone on for decades as the near-sighted Mr. Henery Magoo.”

Add Planking to Your Non-Exercise Workout.

I know you’re just like me and a couple of times each year you go and wipe the dust off the tread mill, the bicycle and any other machines of torture you have purchased over the years. We keep buying these incredible body building machines that we think will magically create our old shapes. You would think all those trips we made from the kitchen to the dinner table would let us subtract a few calories but I guess not. What’s really interesting is finding articles of clothing that used to fit our old shapes on the bottom of the stack. That would be the same stack of old garments you threw on the treadmill months ago. Although you never missed not exercising, the disappearance of those clothes that used to fit you has been a mystery.

Always looking for the easy way out, I picked up a pamphlet from Humana, Inc. which I’m sure you know is another vastly wealthy health care company. This booklet is called, “Humana Vitality.”  Naturally there are disclaimers in this booklet that read the same as a,  “Do not try this at home warning!” It says here the booklet is strictly “informational and should not be construed as medical advice.”

There is also not one word about the person who wrote these articles. I would like to speak to her/him at length. This was apparently written by a 35 year old nameless health nut who can actually touch their toes with their fingers without bending their knees, and since there is no way to communicate with them except through a website, I thought I would just tell you about my problems with this kind of health-nonsense-newsletter.

Some of these suggestions are good but we’ve been knowing for long years that kale, chicken soup and fish are great additions to our diet.

It gets a little hairy when the nonsense newsletter begins to suggest what you should do to get a good night’s sleep. There are six tips: We know exercise helps sleep. We never exercise but we know all about how it helps sleep. We know to turn down the heat (especially in the summer). Then it says, “Lower your stress level by writing down all your concerns and to-dos before sleep.” This shows the ignorance of a got-it-all-together 35 year old. Old people like me can’t write. It hurts my arthritic fingers and, besides, it takes me about an hour of lost sleep to find something to write with and something to write on.

“Cut the lights” is a super bad idea. How am I going to find my way to the bathroom at 1:00 AM and 2:30 AM and again at 4:00 AM? You can really hurt your foot when you jam it under a low slung love seat in the living room when you’re trying to find the bathroom. “Mute Your Environment.” Do they mean ear plugs? Hasn’t this fool heard about home invasions. I’ve got to stay alert and if I don’t “git further over” during the night when Katie Mae tells me to, I won’t have to worry about sleep. She’ll knock me out til noon. “Stop hitting the snooze.” This last glorious piece of wisdom does not apply to me. I haven’t used the alarm clock in three years.

Now on page seven they really get to the core of the message. They’re talking about crunches. The only crunches I like are those Crunchmaster Crackers from Sam’s. The writer then gets right on down to resistance-training exercises and I know those are not for me because I have tried resistance-training exercises with Katie Mae. When I try to get cozy with Katie Mae, my resistance-training is pathetic compared to hers. Not only do I completely miss the intended cozy moment, but resistance-training leaves big knots on my head. I must be allergic to it.

The 35 year old health scribe has finally gotten the best of me when he/she describes how you can use your body weight for exercises like push-ups, planks and lunges. This writer is undoubtedly slap-damned nuts. How many 70 year old people do you think are doing push-ups and lunges?

Now let me introduce you old boomers, boomerettes, geezers and geezerettes to that word, “PLANK.” I knew I had seen or heard that word or the term, “Planking” before. I thought it was a visual joke young people are performing today to amuse themselves because they obviously don’t have enough TV and video games to go around.

To plank you must be face down. You can be on the ground or aerial, whichever you choose to be depending on how far you think you can fall without seriously breaking your face and most other parts of your body. I saw a picture of three young guys face down, one atop the other on the top of a refrigerator. They were fully clothed so I suspect the act of planking itself was the only kinky part of the performance. I saw another young guy in front of a convenience store with his head (Face down, of course) on one gas pump and his feet on another gas pump with just a lot of air between the main part of his body and legs and the pavement. A third kid had his head face down on one hump of a kneeling camel and his feet perched on the hump of a second kneeling camel.

Now before you go completely whacko and run outside and try to plank on your neighbor’s kneeling camels remember one thing, planking can be extremely dangerous and it could cost you your job. I know it’s hard for you to believe that people who have real jobs actually plank.

A young Australian man was killed because he chose to plank on a seventh floor apartment house balcony rail and he slipped and fell to the ground. Another strange case of planking occurred in the UK in 2009. That’s right, old people. That’s how far behind we are because we just heard about planking and, yet, seven doctors and nurses were suspended from work at the Great Western Hospital in Swindon, England for planking while on duty. This happened in September 2009.

Some people refer to planking as “The lying down game.” I will leave it to your own discretionary imagination to decide if they were just playing a new- fangled version of, “Doctor and nurse” or………. were they actually planking.

To add insult to injury, for us old peoples, this nonsense newsletter has suggested we use our bodies to perform resistance-training exercises by planking. You can do the two point plank. You can do the elbow plank. You can do the elbow plank while face down on your exercise ball. You can do the up-down plank (I think we call this doing push-ups). The side plank leg lift looks interesting but my favorite is using the exercise to precariously balance on one foot and the opposite hand while performing the booty strengthening donkey kick.

Don’t you dare attempt any of these things. This is just something to consider before you take a long nap. Strenuous work-outs for people our age can really hurt you and if it turns out you are allergic to resistance-training exercise like I am, it can leave big knots on your head.

Throw all those clothes back over the treadmill. Go relax and give all this nonsense the kind of thought that will leave you so bored you’ll get a great night’s sleep. Dream about exercising. It can’t hurt you.