Return of the Spammers

You really can’t call it “Return of the Spammers” because the spammers never left. They are irritatingly ever-present and there must be a way to stop them. I mention this in hopes that some young enthusiastic, energetic and enterprising nerd of an IT person will spring out of nowhere like Batman and destroy the spammers and their frustrating hourly posts to our defenseless blogs.

Where is that person, that nemesis to the world’s latest list of worry warts? You could be the next Bill Gates if only you can stop the spamming! Once we have their internet addresses, why can’t we at least be able to bounce the signals directly back to them or deflect the bombardment of senseless spam?

At least give us the ability to send them a short sweet message that goes something like this:

Hey, Dumbass! I am 71 years old and I do not need any of the following junk mail you insist on sending me:

I do not need to be on the China Dating Team or any hot Latina women or hot brides from Russia. It is summertime down South and it is already hot as hell. Why would I want a hot body attached to me that might possibly give me a heat stroke? This naturally precludes me from the urgent need for a natural testosterone booster. The only booster I need is the one that will gently toss me out of my easy chair.

I am not in such bad shape that I need a jacuzzi walk-in hot tub. The Lasik special at $299.00 per eye does not interest me. What if I have one eye fixed and then go broke and can’t afford to get the other one taken care of? I am already dizzy enough. I do not need the e-cigarette. I have not smoked in over 30 years. Why would I want to start back just pretending I am smoking? I do not care if smoking makes you look cool. I do not care if I appear cool. I am burning up!

I do not need “The Prestigious Business Nomination,” you idiots. I do not work. I am not in business. My only business is waking up each morning and attempting to get vertical. I do not need to refinance this house or go solar with it or replace the windows. It is not my house. We rent it.

I do not need the advice or lessons from the Pimsleur Language Experts. Let me repeat, I am 71 years old. I live Southern and I speak Southern. The only people who do not understand me are Yankees on the telephone who are trying to sell me testosterone boosters (the natural ones, of course). I am married to a wonderful woman and I feel sure she will let me know if I need to learn any additional words.

And finally, I really do not give one hoot in hell how Kim Kardasian plans to lose her baby fat after the baby makes the grand appearance. Following right along with this same train of thought, I really don’t give a half-a-hoot-in-hell how Angelina Jolie, Chelsea Handler or Jessica Alba lose their fat and I hope if you purchase the Dr. Oz cleanser, it will at least be helpful in cleaning your kitchen sink drains.

The only spam that caught my attention a little was the one that read “Brittany Spears loses her fatty arms in one month (see how).” Now I know these women are all worth a bunch of money but I had no idea you could just lose your arms. How will she get them back? Can she afford to go out and buy new arms? This is more than we need to know. It’s gross. Where do you shop for arms?

There’s a fortune waiting out there in cyberspace for the smart young computer whiz who can help us strike back at the internet interlopers. Step up to the plate smart person. Help us old geezers out of our cloudy misery.




Banned in Athens – Banning the Disreputables!

Remember when they banned books and later, along with certain books, we were also deprived of “Color Music” or “Black Music” that was banned from the air waves?

Our parents warned us about such music destroying our minds and now I think our parents were right. Today if I hear the Platters sing, “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” I tend to get a wide-eyed, slack-jawed expression, drool on my shirt and lose the ability to hold my head up. No question Rock and Roll was my immediate and complete downfall and I feel sure millions of tottering old idiots out there will completely agree with me. We are still strangely affected by our favorite old tunes.

But in serious self-analysis we are ultimately survivors and we have managed to survive by using people skills we developed over the last sixty years. Those skills have been honed and polished by our being thrown together with other nut-cases, equally befuddled as we are by this strange new life. You learn to protect yourself by watching other people and by being wary of those who exhibit behavior you consider a little strange, even in the hottest bar in town. For example, a young guy just entering a wild and crazy downtown Athens bar will want to steer clear of the cute little blonde on the first bar stool. Her jeans are on inside out. Pass on her. Her problem may be long-term and you don’t need the grief.

But Banning People???

Yes, now they are banning people and I see a dangerous trend developing that can totally deprive today’s young people of the societal gauges they desperately need to determine who is a simple clown, who is a real Bozo, who is only just a little drunk , who is totally bombed, who is bonkers and who to run from and when to run!

How are our unworldly neophytes going to be able to judge the good from the bad, the ugly and the uglier? They all look and dress (if you can call that dressing) alike so how will newly arrived innocents be able to fend for themselves in this pacifist jungle?

You can read about the banning of people weekly in the Athens Banner-Herald newspaper. Only a few days ago a young man was observed outside a Jittery Joe’s coffee shop. He was dressed in only his boxer shorts. Further observation revealed all his outer garments (that means his other clothing) was inside the store and overturned chairs littered the shop. He knew he had been partying pretty hard a few hours earlier but he did not really know where he was and what had happened to him.

Luckily the police got him before he rid himself of the boxer shorts that were hindering him as he tried to dance with the shrubbery. The article did not mention an arrest but the manager of Jittery Joe’s asked that he be banned from all Jittery Joe’s locations in Athens.

Now I read that a 21 year old man has been banned for two years from a Family Dollar store because he subjected some of the employees to verbal abuse. To make matters worse a 44 year old man has been banned for two years from the Normal Town Coin Laundry after he was found intoxicated in the business.

Many people do not realize how serious this banning of people can be. If we rid our businesses of border-line crazies how are the new kids coming along going to know how to act? How will they be able to distinguish good behavior from bad?

If you’re going to ban a few loudmouths, drunks and dope heads from our lives at least see if the police can’t build portable cells in empty storefronts downtown so the screamers and miscreant imbibers can be locked up close to all the action. That way greenhorns can be allowed to closely observe them.

It would be a relatively safe method of teaching college students about real life. They will learn how to recognize truly bizarre behavior. This will be a great and fantastic endeavor. Today’s politically correct society is teaching young people absolutely nothing about life.

Stop feeding grown children pablum. You’re turning every kid on the corner into a Milquetoast.

Start today! Start in Athens! We’ve got to start somewhere!





Only a few days ago