Happy Thanksgiving! The Amazing Butterball Caper.

The finger turkey maybe using the wrong finger whether hitch hiking away from here are telling us how much he appreciates us as being #1 in his heart.

The finger turkey maybe using the wrong finger whether hitch hiking away from here are telling us how much he appreciates us as being #1 in his heart.

I’m sure most of you know by now that Butterball has a big skinny turkey problem on its hands. Their turkeys refused to get fat for Thanksgiving. In a unique ploy in all of turkey history since the Pilgrims feasted on the big birds the turkeys have protested en masse.

The Butterball folks say you have got to have a 16 pound (or heavier) bird to satisfy the turkey hungry multitudes and Butterball’s supply of large fresh turkeys failed to meet the national criteria of a fat, suitable for stuffing, table ready, Thanksgiving fowl. I don’t mean to imply the turkeys give thanks. That’s undoubtedly the reason they did not choose to “Pork Up” this year. They are not thankful.

This is totally serious for Butterball. For every four 12 pound turkeys produced by Butterball, a big 16 pounder has gone missing. What in the world is going on here?

Butterball CEO Rod Brenneman thinks he has a big mystery on his hands but I think the answer is in a statement he made to the press. He said turkeys are, “biological creatures,” subject to a variety of factors.

He obviously does not understand the impact of his own words. Turkeys are “biological creatures” and, as such, are subject to a variety of factors. I think the seriousness of this statement warrants my repeating it. It might be of some interest to Mr Brenneman that perhaps the birds have been off their feed for a number of reasons just as he intimated in his statement.

First of all did you try some stupid magic elixir that cost less and you mistakenly believed the turkeys were going to make more meat out of less feed? Was this a problem of a self-inflicted diet by Butterball?

Second – Did you try to cut corners by feeding them moldy feed you bought from the Chinese? You know the Chinese mix their turkey feed with old powdered wall board left over from construction projects gone bad. The wall board is salvaged from collapsed apartment building sites.

The third possibility is Butterball has been infiltrated by PITA. The PITA people working uncover in the Butterball facilities have been cutting back on the feed and they have also introduced a dietary supplement in the turkey feed that keeps the birds at a maintainable low weight. PITA is on the prowl in your plants, Mr. Brenneman. Ferret out the wrongdoers and force feed them large turkey cahones fried to the consistency of powdered wallboard from China.

Fourth and last of all and maybe of more importance than other guesses is the possibility someone has been using voodoo on the Butterball turkeys. Once again, this could be the work of the PITA people. I would be willing to bet PITA has gone out and found a Turkey Priest who has been using mental telepathy to urge your young turkeys to eat less and to go on strict diets. They were also told to do more dancing like the old fashioned, “Turkey Trot.” I know its a bird-brained idea but we all know PITA people are strange birds.

I see in the news that Whole Foods and Cargill have not had any problems with the “Slim Bird Syndrome.”

I hope I have given Butterball some good leads on how to pursue the answer to the problem. At any rate, Mr. Brenneman it’s all food for thought and we are talking real turkey here.

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Calm Down Gal! Feds Teach Women How to Handle Spats.

  • young-couple-screaming-at-each-otherHere’s another one you will find hard to believe. Your tax dollars are once again performing miracles for you. The Department of Health and Human Services has a radio public service announcement out that tells us a marriage is better when the woman calms down faster than the man.

Apparently it does not count much when the man controls himself quicker during the spat. Author Shaunti Feldhahn who has researched relationships for eleven years (possibly because she can’t figure out what ever happen to the one she had) says men and women are wired differently. OHHHH NOOOO !!!!

“One of the keys is understanding each other,” she said. AWWWW NAWWWW !!!!

Isn’t all this terribly hard for our feeble minds to process???? I’m just sick that I never realized any of this.

I know you want to know who wrote this drivel. His name is Edmund Demarche. It was kind of hard to ferret out the author’s name because it appeared he and HHS were not seeking any notoriety for being complete babbling fools. They just want your tax dollars to keep flowing into HHS so they can keep writing articles soundly reinforced with fourth grade child psychology.

I’ll bet you none of these idiots are married to another human person. They sound like people who go home evenings, drink two bottles of cheap wine and fall asleep while giggling with their dogs and cats. This happens because real people will not converse with them.

Do you think any so-called man in this stupid story has ever had a meaningful relationship with a real woman? Did he actually tell that wonderful girl of his dreams to, “Calm Down,” at the very moment she came unglued during a little spat? It never happened because a man who got that stupid or that drunk got killed. He did not live to talk about it. She killed him. She showed him what, “Calm Down” really means.

Isn’t there some way to stop it? Has the dumbing down of America finally reached its bitter end?

Does anybody out there know how to jump start huge congressional sweepers that can rid the streets of all the people inside the beltway who selflessly keep trying to help us. If you fire all the congress people, can you also fire the “STAFF?” When you fire the staff who then will read and write for the congress persons? Think about it. We have entirely too much help we never needed.

While you are thinking about the surplus of helpers we have in Washington don’t worry with wasting time learning how to peaceably end a heated argument between a man and a woman. I can tell you how.

The man shuffles his feet back and forth three times, turns completely around twice, stares at his shoes and says, “Yes Dear.”

That cost you absolutely nothing. I paid for it in blood many years ago and it’s yours for free.

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Too Slow for Vertigo

The Dizzy Fix as It Appears When Attached to the Bill of a Baseball Cap.

Dizzy Fix 2 The Dizzy Fix as It Appears When Attached to the Bill of a Baseball Cap.

You come spinning, whirling, and flipping out of a dead sleep while your world turns completely upside down. You are seized by dizziness, nausea and profuse sweating. Your lack of orientation is indescribable. Having that much motion disturbance and being that¬† light headed actually causes some people to throw up. If you are a fairly bright person, it won’t take you long to realize old vertigo has you by the nape of your scraggly neck.

I don’t have any problem trying to quickly diagnose my malady because I had Katy Mae to tell me to stop all my blabbering and whining and to be still. I seem to be keeping her awake with my muttering of strange tongues and grunts of surprise and astonishment at the amazing scene directly over my befuddled head as I try my best to stop my world from spinning more than 5,000 RPM’s. For you gals, RPM’s are revolutions per minute and five thousand is a heap more than a human head can take.

The scene over our bed is made up of a double tray ceiling with the trays being octagonal shaped. In the center is a ceiling fan. What I saw was the ceiling fan spinning at the speed I just described and maybe even faster. Just looking at the fan was killing me. To add to the great confusion and fear was each of the tray ceilings were also turning as equally fast as the fan but in no way was one synchronized with the other tray section or the fan. They spun with tremendous speed and they did not spin in unison.

I have never seen the movie “The Exorcist” because it did not interest me but I remember seeing outtakes of the movie and that young girl’s head was spinning around on her body almost as fast as my ceiling fan and trays were twirling.

I have learned sand like particles called canaliths in inner ear spaces become dislodged and they move into an even more sensitive inner ear location and this causes bouts with vertigo.

Some of the remedies I read are pretty strange and I thought you might like to hear about them in case you ever suffer these double dizzies.

You can buy a natural remedy called Vertifree. Their tablets are said to support inner balance. They don’t tell you how the pills work and they don’t mention much about pill ingredients. It is comforting to a 72 year old man that they are not harmful to pregnant women and it is okay to breast feed if you are taking the pills.

There is also a guy named Robert Ginsburg who claims he can cure your vertigo ills over the phone. He may be telling the truth. I am finding out that you can learn how to tilt your head at different angles and cause the granules to move back into place and stop your dizzies. Moving your head in this way is called “The Epley Maneuver” and apparently twisting and turning your head a certain way is very effective in clearing up the dizzy spells quickly.

My favorite remedy I saw on “The Doctors” television show. The Doctors showed a silly looking contraption that is affixed to the front of a baseball cap. It’s called “Dizzy Fix” and it looks like clear soda straws that form an upside down “Y” in front of your eyes. It’s attached right at the end of the ball cap’s bill. There is a tiny green ball inside the straws and you have to learn how to move the little green ball from one side of the “Y” to the other side by tilting your head back and forth. This will accomplish the relocation of the canaliths in your inner ear or make you fall over on one side.

My only problem with all this is I don’t believe the claims by the producers of the little homeopathic pills unless it’s supposed to be a long term fix and you have to take the pills forever and, in that case, I still don’t believe they work.

And how are you going to get up and call a guy on the phone if your head is spinning around like a car tire going a hundred miles an hour and what if he doesn’t answer? What if you get a busy signal?

You have the same basic problem if you try to use the “Dizzy Fix.” How are you going to get up out of bed if your head is (once again) spinning around like a car tire that’s going a hundred miles an hour? Are you going to crawl into a back closet and try to stand up and dig through three dozen ball caps you have stored back there until you magically discover the “Dizzy Fix?”

So there you have it. None of these fixes would have worked for me. I only had it happen one time and I would guess the duration of the wild spinning was just five minutes or less. After that short spell, luckily I have not had it since and it was such a short spell that I would not have even had time to take a pill, call the telephone treatment “Distance Healing” guy or to go find the cap.

Getting back to “The Exorcist” I have wondered if I were suddenly and temporarily possessed by an evil spirit or whether this house might be haunted.

I think Katie Mae might have thought I had been sneaking around and drinking adult drinks. I can’t be sure because it was all so confusing but I do have a vague memory of her slapping me around a little bit to try to straighten my head out. I think she might have rearranged those little sand like particles in my inner ear.

I have not told her about the little sand like particles in my ear. It would be too embarrassing to have her fussing at me for not cleaning my ears when I bathe.

Fan and Trayed Ceiling

The Haunted Double Tray Ceilings and Whirling Dervish Possessed Fan Above Our Bed.

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Vaping is Just Aping….. The Other Horrible Habit

Vapingvaping 2Are you a vaper? Do you know what vaping is? I’m here to tell you that if you are a vaper, you have changed nothing at all. You have just switched one form of destroying delicate lung tissue for another dumb way to choke yourself to death. For those of you out there in blissful ignorance, don’t feel bad. You are really not out of the loop. You know what it is. You didn’t know they call it vaping. Vaping is inhaling noxious fumes that have been chemically treated to make pretty clouds and to taste sweet so you don’t realize you are killing yourself.

Vaping is smoking electronic cigarettes (E-Cigarettes). I don’t know about here in the East at the moment but on the West coast, where many strange practices and people surface on a daily basis, they now have “Vape Bars.” how stupid is this? You actually go into a place that can subtlety steal the oxygen right out of your body.

Vaping has already grown into a subculture with its own language or tongue (until your tongue falls off). Vapers have their own magazine, “VPR.” Those who vape can choose to put nicotine or even marijuana in their e-cigs. The e-cig has small batteries which heat a flavored liquid until a sweet vapor is produced. The real object is to use less and less nicotine so you eventually wind up inhaling some poisonous gas that has a candy flavored taste and smells like sweet bouquets of flowers.

Take if from someone who suffers from bronchiectasis every day…..and every night and coughs constantly both day and night. What you are doing to your lungs is irreversible and anybody who thinks you can smoke a few years and then quit for a few years and erase all the damage that you did to your lungs while you were smoking is a damned fool. If you choose to try vaping, you are an even bigger fool.

Go ahead and tell me your grandmother lived to be 95 and smoked three packs of cigarettes every day of her life from the time she was thirteen so I will have the golden opportunity to ask you, “When did you start thinking you were your Grandmother?”

After years of seeing heart and lung specialists, not to mention more general practitioners than I can remember, I am an expert at knowing the first questions on the doctors’ office forms. These same questions are repeated by the doctors and their nurses when they examine you. Here are the questions: Do you smoke? Have you ever smoked? How long has it been since you quit smoking? How long were you a smoker? How much did you smoke each day when you were a smoker? There are even more questions if you are still an active smoker.

These same questions are also asked by insurance companies nowadays. Don’t be surprised if you are a smoker and you find it hard to find reasonably priced health and life insurance. The insurance companies have little interest in you if you are a smoker.

I have a good friend who recently missed three days of work because he fell ill to health complications from smoking an e-cigarette. He apparently used too much of the flavored liquid in it and he became physically ill. It took him three days to get well.

Of more concern is the recent accident a woman experienced in plugging her e-cigarette into the cigarette lighter outlet in her car. The e-cigarette/charger overheated and blew apart. A burning piece of the devilish contraption flew into the back seat of her car and set it on fire. Her young son was in the back in an infant seat and he suffered serious burns before rescuers could pull him from the car.

If this isn’t enough for you, give it a few months of smoking e-cigarettes. You’ll need an interior decorator to describe the strange color of your tongue and mouth.

Give it up. It is a totally, totally stupid endeavor. Think of a quicker more painless way to kill yourself.

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Food Fabricators – Who’s Building Your Bread?

wheat field with harvesterStormy Wheat Fields by Diane Loft

Are you one of the people who has recently hit FaceBook with a scare article about genetically modified (GM) food? Do you really know if your argument against GM food is accurate or not. Check it out and educate yourself. Don’t cry out in ignorance. I don’t know if it’s good or bad but here are a few things you can add to the positive side of corporations developing GM foods. Good or bad? You Decide. At least it gives a different point of view.

This is from the Wall street Journal of 10/22/2013 and it was written by Dr. Marc Van Montagu. He is the founder and chairman of the Institute of Plant Biotechnology Outreach at Ghent University in Belgium.

One quarter of the world’s available farmland is now cultivated using GM plants by 17.3 million farmers. Ninty percent of them are small farmers in developing countries.

India now exports instead of imports cotton because of insect-resistant cotton. No tillage farming on herbicide-tolerant GM crops has reduced soil erosion and greenhouse gas emissions (no tractors). Insecticide spraying has been reduced by 25%.

New GM foods in the pipeline from companies, universities and public agencies include virus-resistant cassava (tapioca) and nutritionally enriched rice that will help prevent blindness and early death among children. Nitrogen-efficient GM plants reduce fertilizer run-off.

60% to 70% of foods on the market already contain GM ingredients yet farmers in much of Europe are barred from growing GM crops. In Africa anti-biotechnology sentiment has blocked GM application. Government officials in Zambia refused donations of GM corn in 2002 even as their people were dying from starvation.

Billions of GM meals have been consumed during the last 17 years without a single problem being reported. GM foods have been declared safe by The American Medical Association, The National Academy of Sciences and the World Health Organization. Mankind has been breeding crops – and thereby genetically altering them- since the dawn of agriculture.

GM plant opponents are extremely effective at spreading misinformation. GM food does not cause cancer. GM cotton is not responsible for suicides among Indian farmers and GM crops do not kill bees or monarch butterflies.

The author goes on to say, ” Anyone who cares about alleviating hunger and protecting the environment should work quickly to remove the bias against GM crops. It seems to me that much of the resistance to GM crops isn’t based on science but may be ideological and political, based on fears of corporate profiteering and Western colonialism.” His words. The global population is expected to increase from 7.2 billion to 9.6 billion in the next 40 years and almost all that increase will occur in developing countries where almost 900 million people are already suffering from malnutrition and hunger.

So figure it all out for yourself. Check the mirror often to be sure you don’t have a third eye growing in the center of your forehead. If you see little fingers growing from your cheeks, get involved. Do something even if it is rash but for goodness sakes don’t post scare articles on Facebook that do not show real proof of the evils of dining on GM foods. Apparently we have been living on GM foods for years.

Remember when they began using food irradiation? I was pretty sure it was not going to be a good thing for old fat consumers like me. They would treat food with a specific dosage of ionizing radiation and that would kill dangerous bacteria. It targets and kills bad organisms but I felt sure we would all be killed by the radiation.

I used to check my bathroom mirror in the middle of the night with the lights off to be sure I was not glowing in the dark. I’m still here just as fair and pretty as ever and folks are still irradiating that food.

So y’all go ahead and get out there and find out if genetically modified foods are likely to turn me into a string bean. I’m really curious about this whole thing.Order From Amazon.com

 

 

Beware of Deadly Diets – Feasting Season Is Upon Us

Funny-Pig on treadmillPumpkin PatchYou’re religiously examining your present diet closely. You are fasting because you know all bets are off starting soon. The odor of food as yet uncooked is already wafting through the cool, thin fall air because your powerless mind has willed it to be so. You are hungry now, Now, NOW! You are in basic training just so you can body slam any weight-watching do-gooder who attempts to save you by getting between you and the holiday feast and the next feast and the next feast.

You know you are unlimited. There are no controls on you once it begins. You can put large fat-laden sows to shame when the doors to the dining room are swung open to let your big fanny roll on in.¬† You’ll eat like a pig from the last week in November through the first week in the new year.

And it’s coming soon. There will be a month of unbridled mad-masticating beginning at the end of November and rushing unchecked through Christmas until the first of January. I’ll bet January is the best month of the year for dentists everywhere.

Now that we have all agreed on how we are going to run full-tilt to the dinner tables for days on end let me be the first to warn you:

THERE IS SOME BAD FOOD OUT THERE.

Don’t be so reckless as to attempt to eat anything you can wrap your greasy fist around. Be aware of your food sources. Some of this might not apply to you but it never hurts to be on the alert for sour grits.

Back in July the Chinese Police raided a food storage site that had over 20 tons of rotten chicken feet smuggled in from Viet Nam. Some of this meat was 46 years old. It had been treated with bleach and chemicals to give it color and to mask the odor. Give up your intense craving for chicken feet. They are not good for you.

Also you should not live with your chickens in the same house as the Chinese do. There are more and more strains of deadly chicken flu propagating and floating around, especially in Egypt and China so stay out of those places and eat your chickens, don’t sleep with them.

Illegal imports of bear paws are booming. These too are rotten and cooking them covers up the odor. Give up your intense desire to devour bear paws. They are not good for you.

Another big health problem is MERS-CoV (Middle East Respiratory Syndrome Coronavirus). It can kill you and they are not sure how it is transmitted but in the past other coronaviruses were found to be transmitted by bats. Right now it is centered near Saudi Arabia and the Arabian Peninsula. There is also a new flu virus found in Peruvian bats. Bat meat for the holidays is out of the question. Quell your yearning for bat meat. It is not good for you.

This MERS-CoV might also be contracted by eating spoiled dromedary camel meat. Spoiled camel meat has also been found to contain the Bubonic Plague disease. Ride your camels. Do not eat them. Subdue your longing for camel meat. It is not good for you.

Closer to home, be aware that the Bubonic plague is alive and well in the good old US of A. Do not eat any of the following meats. They may contain the Bubonic Plague: Mice, ground squirrels, Mexican Wood Rats, prairie dogs and Black-Footed Ferrets.

If you were keeping any of the above named varmints in fattening pens awaiting the big day when you can add them to your tasty holiday treats….forgeddaboutit!!

Now that you have been warned I can tell you Southerners it is safe to eat deer, gator, and frog legs. If you are a more traditional eater like the old fat boy here, eat your fill of turkey, ham and beef and have no regrets that we never even started a 2013 diet. We only promised we would begin dieting sometime in January of 2014.

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