I’m sure most of you know by now that Butterball has a big skinny turkey problem on its hands. Their turkeys refused to get fat for Thanksgiving. In a unique ploy in all of turkey history since the Pilgrims feasted on the big birds the turkeys have protested en masse.
The Butterball folks say you have got to have a 16 pound (or heavier) bird to satisfy the turkey hungry multitudes and Butterball’s supply of large fresh turkeys failed to meet the national criteria of a fat, suitable for stuffing, table ready, Thanksgiving fowl. I don’t mean to imply the turkeys give thanks. That’s undoubtedly the reason they did not choose to “Pork Up” this year. They are not thankful.
This is totally serious for Butterball. For every four 12 pound turkeys produced by Butterball, a big 16 pounder has gone missing. What in the world is going on here?
Butterball CEO Rod Brenneman thinks he has a big mystery on his hands but I think the answer is in a statement he made to the press. He said turkeys are, “biological creatures,” subject to a variety of factors.
He obviously does not understand the impact of his own words. Turkeys are “biological creatures” and, as such, are subject to a variety of factors. I think the seriousness of this statement warrants my repeating it. It might be of some interest to Mr Brenneman that perhaps the birds have been off their feed for a number of reasons just as he intimated in his statement.
First of all did you try some stupid magic elixir that cost less and you mistakenly believed the turkeys were going to make more meat out of less feed? Was this a problem of a self-inflicted diet by Butterball?
Second – Did you try to cut corners by feeding them moldy feed you bought from the Chinese? You know the Chinese mix their turkey feed with old powdered wall board left over from construction projects gone bad. The wall board is salvaged from collapsed apartment building sites.
The third possibility is Butterball has been infiltrated by PITA. The PITA people working uncover in the Butterball facilities have been cutting back on the feed and they have also introduced a dietary supplement in the turkey feed that keeps the birds at a maintainable low weight. PITA is on the prowl in your plants, Mr. Brenneman. Ferret out the wrongdoers and force feed them large turkey cahones fried to the consistency of powdered wallboard from China.
Fourth and last of all and maybe of more importance than other guesses is the possibility someone has been using voodoo on the Butterball turkeys. Once again, this could be the work of the PITA people. I would be willing to bet PITA has gone out and found a Turkey Priest who has been using mental telepathy to urge your young turkeys to eat less and to go on strict diets. They were also told to do more dancing like the old fashioned, “Turkey Trot.” I know its a bird-brained idea but we all know PITA people are strange birds.
I see in the news that Whole Foods and Cargill have not had any problems with the “Slim Bird Syndrome.”
I hope I have given Butterball some good leads on how to pursue the answer to the problem. At any rate, Mr. Brenneman it’s all food for thought and we are talking real turkey here.