To Kill a Watermelon.

wateremelon 3

Sometimes the knife you use can be mistakenly identified as a passive-aggressive knife. The knife looks innocent enough but it’s really not blame free. You never know what a knife may do.

watermelon 2

This particular melon seems to have a sweet innocent demeanor no matter how you slice it.

A badly misunderstood  marijuana and watermelon lover from Connecticut is now facing disorderly conduct charges because his girl friend has accused him of carving a watermelon in a menacing and threatening way right before her very eyes. She said to investigating police he cut up the unresisting watermelon in a passive-aggressive manner.

She reported him on July 4 (how un-American this seems) because she found marijuana and other drugs in his tool box (well, my gosh, it was the Fourth of July). Cops did not arrest him but she said she came home later and found the watermelon stabbed deep into its heart with a large butcher knife still sticking from its center. Then this crazy guy reappears and with absolutely zero compassion for the melon he commenced to whack it in such a passive-aggressive manner that it struck a menacing fear in her heart.

watermelon 3

When you are seriously intending to feast on a big melon, this is the way you want to carve it. Do it with the love and tenderness it so rightfully deserves.

shark melon

I don’t think this is what the bad boy was carving. I think this is maybe how he looked during the aggressive part of his melon chopping caper.

So the police hauled him away and it cost him 500 bucks to get out of jail. I feel sure he is sorry for his outlandish behavior because this time of year, you can buy a pickup truck full of watermelons for that kind of cash (a small pickup truck). He probably didn’t even want any watermelon and I’ll bet it’s a long, long time before he wants another watermelon.

All this melon talk reminded me of Gallagher and of how many melons he has maliciously slaughtered during all his years of demonstrating his famous sledge-o-matic vegetable and fruit separator. And never once was he hauled to jail for killing all that good food. I would report him but I think the statute of limitations has run out on his crimes. There shouldn’t be a limitation but I guess there probably is one. Here’s one guy in Connecticut getting taken to jail and booked while Gallagher is still stumbling around out there somewhere taking wild swings at every kind of innocent fruit or vegetable you can think of. Gallagher is a mass murderer as far as I’m concerned.

Now I’m afraid to show my true feelings toward my food and while I was slicing squash for Katie Mae this morning I caught her giving me strange questioning looks to see if I were aggressively cutting the squash. I was so intimidated I took the squash to our bedroom closet to finish the job. I usually attack my food aggressively but now after seeing her watch me like that I’m considering taking small, passive nibbles from tonight’s squash casserole.

Five hundred bucks is a lot of money and we’re in Georgia. What if it cost you more to treat your food in a passive-aggressive manner in Georgia and, by the way, how can you use a large butcher knife to passively separate a watermelon from its heart?

Gallagher 2

Here he is during one of his most aggressive attacks ever on our defenseless, helpless food chain. Justice has never been served when it comes to Gallagher and his endless assaults on our fruits and vegetables.


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The Demise of Hog Heaven.

And now it’s all over for poor old pigs like us (because we’re too old to tango..very much) and for poor old pigs like boar hogs. The romantic allure of hog heaven is no more. No more romancing in the pig pen. The sty has gone dry….for handsome hogs.

Hogs in love

He loves her true but all is lost in this modern day of artificial insemination.


You hanging around here this evening , big mama?

Back when being a papa pig was hard work, and a lot of fun too,  there used to be wonderful chances for a poor pig to find love right in his own backyard….sty. Those days are gone. Nowadays over 90% of pig farmers inseminate their sows artificially. This is up from less than 5% in the 1980s. Now one boar can do what 20 boars did back then.

pretty pig

Midnight madness with a sweet sow is no longer the same sweetness.

more laughing hogs

And then Susie said to me, “Horace, you are the most delightful hog I have ever shambled and galumphed with in a mud wallow.”







Don’t you just hate it. This is probably a lot more than you ever wanted to know but a single boar ejaculation can impregnate a whole heap of sows and the precious little piglets will all be pretty much alike especially in shape and size. Grocers and restaurateurs like for their pork chops to be uniform. One bag of boar semen can be transported by express package handlers or even a pickup truck instead of having to move the boars around to the sows. That one bag of semen can service 300 sows when it used to take 20 boar hogs to handle the same job. That’s cold-hearted, really cold-hearted, but true.

looking for mama hogs

Boy I wish they would hurry. I can hardly wait to be artificially inseminated. Maybe that cute FedEx driver will bring the bag.

grinning pig

Farmer Jim may have screwed up my love life but he ain’t going to be eating many pork chops while I’ve got his teeth.

A downside to this whole pathetic story is about China almost destroying the Spanish swine producing industry by manufacturing shoddy boar hog semin bags. Chemicals in the semin bags diminished the fertility of the semin.

Now consumer pressure is forcing hog operations to put their pigs in larger, roomier shared pens so there is a little relief being created for the poor porkers but nothing, and I mean NOTHING, is ever going to replace the old hog heaven standards.

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Remembering a Favorite Fourth of July.

Charleston Battery

Charleston, South Carolina


Kay Swilley, Sharon and Skip Laney eagerly awaiting the paddle wheeler we boarded.

The Fourth of July, 2009. My wonderful and lovely sister-in-law Sharon and her equally wonderful and handsome husband Skip invited Katie Mae and me to visit them at their home in Summerville, South Carolina. Summerville is a bedroom community for folks who work in Charleston so it only took twenty minutes or so for us to get from their house to the picturesque harbor at Charleston and that’s where we went. We headed straight for one of the greatest Fourth of July fireworks celebrations I have ever witnessed.kay's camera 011

Ben and Kay enjoying a couple of adult beverages before the meal.

         In no time we were hustled aboard a mid-sized paddle wheeler that had us churning out across the bay to Fort Sumter. As we circled Fort Sumter we were served a delicious seafood dinner while a trio of accomplished musicians played old favorites from the forties and fifties.

Fort Sumter

Fort Sumter


Trio on board our paddle wheeler.







Carolina Queen

The Carolina Queen – Just like a Mississippi river boat.

USS Yorktown

The USS Yorktown – WWII era aircraft carrier.

I asked a member of the trio if I could sing with the group. He said, “I wish you wouldn’t.” Then a guy with big arms asked me if I thought I could find my way back to the dock if he gave me a dinghy and an old paddle. They threatened to set me loose in a little boat and how I got back to the dock would be my problem. I went back to my table.


The brilliant sunset on the horizon seemed to be a subtle prelude to the greatest fireworks show I have ever seen in person.

As the sky darkened we went out on the open deck to better watch the fireworks. It all started from the flight deck of the USS Yorktown. The Yorktown is a WWII era aircraft carrier that is permanently docked in the Charleston Harbor. The carrier now belongs to Patriots Point Naval and Maritime Museum.

The night enveloped us and as the show got started I think I had the best seat in the world for watching aerial bombs and fire exploding overhead. It gave greater significance to our proximity to Fort Sumter where the first shot of the War between the States was fired.

Bridge 2It seemed like it went on forever. They must have spent a huge fortune on fireworks. Just when I thought the show was ending, at least a dozen or more communities and island populations surrounding Charleston began to ramp up their own Fourth of July celebrations.

It was fascinating to sit quietly docked out in the Charleston Harbor and watch the horizon set afire once again by the luckiest people in the world. Thousands upon thousands of people showing their love and appreciation for this country. A country with no equal for greatness throughout history. This country so exceptional that no better civilization has ever existed………ever.


Sharon and Skip Laney

Fireworks 3Fireworks 2









Thanks to Skip and Sharon for allowing us to join them for such a spectacular show.

And for those of you who deny American exceptionalism and have been complaining about the USA for years, please find the place on this planet where you think life is better. Let us know where it is. The rest of us want to help you pack.