With This Ring…..Before He Said…..I Thee Wed.

 

Blind with love the befuddled young guy took her to Wendy’s and he sneaked her new engagement ring into a Frosty milkshake. Then to be sure she found it quickly so he could go ahead and pop the magic question he engaged a few of her friends to challenge her to make fast work of the shake. She did and she also made fast work of the ring right along with the contents of the shake. I should rightfully state that things went south after she swallowed the ring but, fortunately, two days later he indeed got to pop his wonderful question after the ring popped up ….or out….or whatever. Anyhow she decided to marry him in spite of his silly, chilly ring delivery.

Then there was this teacher and teachers should know better than to play in traffic but that is exactly what the boy had to do after he had his intended (and friends and family) meet on a pedestrian walkway of the Brooklyn Bridge so he could ask that same soul-binding marvelous question to his beloved. You guessed it. He dropped the ring into the middle of traffic below the pedestrian walkway. He had to do a chimpanzee routine of climbing down and dodging trucks and cars in the roadway to find the ring. She was so impressed with his simian like skills she decided to take him up on the offer. He had to get the ring repaired and cleaned up before they could use it in the wedding.

This fellow from London did them all one better. He never got the ring back. He had a balloon shop tie the ring, which cost over $12,000, to a helium balloon that was snatched from his hand by a gust of wind as soon as he left the shop. He chased the balloon for two hours but it got smaller and smaller until it was a little bitty dot and then he could no longer see it. She said she would marry him but now he has got to buy another ring. He was reported to have said, “I felt like such a plonker.” I don’t know what that word means but if he made it up I don’t blame him. If I lost a ring worth twelve grand “Plonker” wouldn’t even begin to describe my stupid tail.

A Chinese man was inspired by romantic movies that depict the leading man hiding the engagement ring in a cake for a girlfriend. “I imagined the surprise on her face mixed with happiness,” he sadly told a reporter. The really tough part for her was when he got down on one knee to propose and she realized she had swallowed the ring. She fainted. Happily I can say things did not go south in their situation. He got her to a hospital where the doctors used a catheter to retrieve the ring. Women are so wonderful. After all that unnecessary abuse, she accepted his proposal.

This is my favorite.

An English boy has a great imaginative heart. He is a craftsman in the Light Dragoons (I’m just like you. I have no idea what that means).

Anyhow, His relationship with his lovely girlfriend was about to crash and burn and so to save this crumbling relationship he thought it would be clever to emulate the romantic magic of the movies. There was a slight problem with his idea of romantic magic emulation. I think he was in his underwear and running shoes which may or may not be a good match.

He streaked across a Premiership football ground (during a game) and he fired red roses from a bow just like a big old cupid.

Even though this occurred on Valentine’s Day it went over a whole lot worse than tying a twelve thousand dollar diamond engagement ring to a lead balloon.

First he was arrested. Then the serving soldier was told he could face a court martial. To add insult to injury, his girlfriend was so appalled and embarrassed by his behavior that she dumped him.

If that wasn’t enough, even more misery was heaped on his shoulders when he was fined £200 and banned from all football matches for three years.

Outside court, the crestfallen 20-year-old said: ‘I’m sorry for what I did but I never realized it would cause so much trouble. I just wanted to impress my girl and it backfired really badly.’

He said he ‘genuinely thought’ he could rescue their failing relationship by acting as Cupid and he said, “Now I have no girlfriend.”

Don’t you just love this guy. Nothing he did worked for him but he certainly did it with style and flair.

The other guy with the balloon story was probably lying. He never had the ring to start with. He used a faux diamond that he let float away on a balloon and I’ll bet the girl doesn’t believe him either. She wants another ring just like the one he supposedly lost on the balloon.

Order From Amazon.com

Amazon is amazing. They still have copies of this amusing creation in stock. All you have to do is click on this book and you will be whisked away straight into Amazon’s fantasy world of mostly unbelievable offerings from people who are really pretty good writers. It’s confusing isn’t it?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Be Kind To Your Dominatrix

I do not believe in torturous love making and I think that people who think pain is pleasurable should be shot right away.

I think some people are awfully pure and sweet of heart and don’t have much of an idea what a dominatrix is and what she does. This story is indicative of how these perverts operate.A strangely motivated woman I just read about in an equally strange article hired a female she could dominate in an even stranger way than most of us can imagine.

This is the weird story. It actually came from the newspaper feature, “News of the Weird.”

An Illinois woman was convicted of beating her dominatrix with a baseball bat because she and the dominatrix had a simple misunderstanding. The woman had hired the dominatrix to work as a slave. The slave’s duty was to take snapshots of the woman who employed her while the employer did her housework in the nude.

This is where I think the judge should have immediately stopped the proceedings and ordered the bailiff to shoot them both dead directly in front of his bench. It’s got to stop somewhere. Hell, I’m afraid it’s highly contagious and spreading like wildfire.

This is where the great misunderstanding could have occurred. The tiny piece of a mind left in the head of the dominatrix/photographer must have come unglued when the camera began flashing. She suddenly became like a wild tigress. She declared she was the master and began dragging her employer around by the hair. This supposedly happened right after the dominatrix made a phone call to someone she had met on the “Christian Mingle” dating website.

So you see, the gal who hired her had no option but to whip her crazy ass with a ball bat…..and all this while she was still in the nude and all dusty from whisking the furniture.

It must have been terribly humiliating to have to stop doing the housework in the nude to discipline someone you hired to discipline you.

I think she should sue the dominatrix. After all right is right, misunderstanding or no. I also think the dominatrix needs to remember and understand who was batting a thousand after the game started and when the game was over.

Order From Amazon.com

Amazon.com has an unlimited supply of these wonderful stories all bound up in book form. Click on this book cover to visit them. They know me personally. I owe them thousands.

 

 

 

 

 

Soon Taboo…To Tattoo…Your Cat, Your Dog, and Even Your Hog

I think everybody in this country should be aware that another American bastion of Liberty is being attacked by the US Government. New York is once again the dreaded keystone state that is going all out to take away another God-given right that has been established for centuries between a man and his beloved barnyard buddies.

Recently the New York governor and legislature have addressed the problem (as they see it). Up until now it has been perfectly legal in almost every state for good citizens (referred to in news reports as, “Narcissistic animal lovers”) to have their dogs and cats forced to endure permanent, decorative tattoos and body piercings. Pet pigs are bound to be next in the coming up mix.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo is biting at the bit for the chance to sign legislation that will abolish the tattooing. Who is going to speak for the animals?” How can Governor Cuomo be so self-assured as to think he can decide whether my cat wants twelve nipple rings or not. He must be crazy.

You just wait and see. It won’t be six months before Governor Nathan Deal of Georgia is going to have spies out on every farm in our beautiful Southern state just peeking in barn doors checking our hogs for tattoos. I don’t know about dogs and cats but I know our pigs love their tattoos. If a rattlesnake bite can’t hurt a pig, a tickle from a tattoo needle may be more pleasure than pain.

Anyhow, we scattered all our tattooed sows and boars in the swamp bottoms along the Oconee River. We’ve got so many tattooed pigs in the swamps that many meth-manufacturing dope-heads are leaving the bottoms in droves. The sight of so many technicolored pigs have them going into hallucinatory convulsions.

It’s really sad. I can barely stand the thought of some swamp rat shooting one of our beloved pet pigs and then frying the pork skins down by the river. I keep having a bad dream that ends with an old swamp boy feasting on a multi-colored tattooed fried pork skin. The tattoo reads “Porky Loves Petunia” inside a big red heart.

Order From Amazon.com

At Amazon.com you can buy a Kindle copy of this bizarre book for less than four dollars. If you get a few laughs from it you will have chosen your purchase wisely. If you don’t like it just let me know. I have some 10×12 color glossies of my aunt Lamar when the windstorm blew the outhouse over in a ditch with her inside it. The pictures are yours free and they are worth $4.25 each. You will come out ahead on this deal.

pigs

I’m getting a butterfly on my right cheek and a bracelet on my arm with “Frank Sinatra” on it.

 

1961 – Don’t Let Your Love Lights Shine on Me!

cjU5Z6x

Good looking legs…..illuminated tires or not.

I know you are trying to remember the words to the old Bobby ‘Blue’ Bland song “Let Your Love Lights Shine On Me.” Maybe you can’t remember back to 1961 so you can only get back as far into your memory as the Grateful Dead version. That would be about the same time you burned out most of your memory and all your brain with stuff you insisted on ingesting and smoking. Stuff that left you with no brain and only a memory with holes in it like Swiss-cheese. A memory which still pretends to be your brain.

So now you might want to know what this has to do with the Goodyear Tire Company inventing illuminated tires back in that same year (1961, remember) and why those beautifully glowing tires might have been so quickly discontinued.

All you have to do to get the answer is to take a quick look at the picture above. There is a good looking gal all decked out in her finest in the awkward position gals get themselves in when they try to see how their backside is looking in public. What better place to check it all out than when you’re partially hidden by your car and you have tires that shine like 100 watt bulbs to light up your legs like the midnight sun.

No, this unfortunately is not a better place. It’s a horrible idea because cars are more likely to run over you if you stick your feet and legs under the tires to see how you look in the light. This is especially true if you are checking your legs later in the evening after you’ve had a margarita or two and the guy behind the wheel has got half his body outside the window so he can help you check out those lovely limbs.

So now you know the answer. Illuminated tires were quickly dropped as a hot idea by tire makers after a rash of lawsuits from multitudes of women with broken legs and flat feet……………. not to mention an equal number of men with misshapened and fairly flat heads who had apparently sneaked under the cars so they could sneak peeks at the gals.

Fortunately for the guys the illuminated tires helped light the scene for the emergency workers.

If I can help you with answers to other puzzling questions please fail to ask me. I tire easily.

Order From Amazon.com

Click on this cover and it will take you to Amazon.com where those caring souls will show you how you can read this wonderful little tome for next to nothing (we’re talking very little money here). This book is tireless and self-illuminating.

 

Old Folks – Raving and Body Surfing

Rave 3

This is a rave. Young people are raving. It takes little imagination and no brains to create or participate in a rave.

Rave

Here is another example of a rave. no matter how a rave looks, it takes the same amount of brains and creativeness to participate in the rave. A zero amount.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It has been known for sometime now that we all think we should be friends, buddies and pals with our children. We want to look like them, dress like them, act like them and  have all the fun they are having. We want to go to a rave with them even though we are old now and we do not have the physical ability to participate in a rave. This is a good thing because a few of us will actually need a brain at sometime in the future and it is well known that if you had a brain before you jumped into the rave you will not have your brain any more when you are bodily flung out of the rave.

In keeping with this line of thought, some organizers in England who were probably former rave arrangers decided to reach out to (obviously younger) people and meet them halfway on the road to sheer insanity by making an opera more excitable and more fun for them to attend. This seems to be a great idea since most younger folks would rather suffer through four hours of severe upper leg cramps (in both legs) than go to the opera.

They proposed making the opera more appealing by having the audience members stand and noisily cheer the performance rather than quietly semi-clapping their daintily gloved hands. This was based on their belief that a little more action from firing up the crowd would liven up the entire evening.

So they had Handel’s “Messiah” performed at England’s Bristol Old Vic Theatre.

When the performance moved to the stirring “Hallelujah Chorus,” a prominent and half-crazy theoretical chemist named David Glowacki became slightly unglued and attempted to crowd-surf in front of the stage. He said he could not control himself when they broke into the “Hallelujah Chorus.”

This is written as a warning to you older people who think you can fall-in with the younger nut-cases and “crowd-surf” your way through life.

I’m not sure if the fact that Dr.Glowacki’s being an expert in non-equilibrium molecular reaction dynamics had something to do with him evidently losing his equilibrium and flinging his body length-wise on the heads of unsuspecting swells of the upper class.

All I’m sure of is, crowd-surfing like a sixteen year old at a rave can get your fat fanny tossed out the stage door of England’s Bristol Old Vic in a royal heartbeat. It was not theoretical chemistry. It was literal ejection. Don’t let it happen to you.

Rave on…..in your bathroom and crowd-surf…..in your head.

Old Dude Surfing

This is crowd-surfing by an older man who is not in his right mind. When they get through with him he will wish he was in another body.

crowd surfing 2

This is crowd surfing by a younger man. He does not care whose mind or body he is in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Order From Amazon.com

This is a partially weird book. Left click on the picture. Amazon.com will show you how to buy this book and enjoy strange thrills vicariously. You will not have to risk your life in a rave or crowd-surfing. You can sit in your comfortable easy chair and dream of wild escapades as you read this thrilling book.