The Way It All Began
I had been around a while. I sensed the folks were getting short tempered with me. I’m pretty clever at picking up on signs of discordancy. About the third time my old man said, “You’ve been hanging around here doing nothing for over three years. Why don’t you get out and get a job? Do something constructive,” I knew I had to make a break for the wide open spaces. I also knew I could not make my own way in the world without a grubstake to get me started. I needed money and lots of it. I managed to get out to Uncle Ben’s house with some people on a stagecoach. At Uncle Ben’s I knew I could disappear right before their eyes. It was time for me to go. I was more than fed up with all that cheek-pinching, jowl-shaking and old-woman chin-clucking. I knew I could make it on my own.
First I headed for the back yard. I knew that’s where ‘Ol Ben kept his fastest horses. I worked my way around the yard to confuse the crowd. Uncle Ben grabbed me a couple of times to chat but I was like Wiley Coyote. I did some serious gurgling and he thought I was going to throw up on him so he turned me loose…pretty fast too.
After I got up and brushed myself off I saw my Cuz Shay Briggs watching me out of the corner of her eye. Then she watched me out of the corners of both her eyes and when her eyes crossed I knew I had her where I wanted her. Grabbing the soccer ball I quickly maneuvered around her and headed for the horse barn. I had almost made my way clear when ‘Ol Ben grabbed me again. This called for more serious measures. We were at a picnic table with a group of seriously boring people. I think most of them were goat farmers. I could smell goat in the crowd somewhere. It might have been “Ol Ben’s breath. Whewwww!! It seemed to me I was trapped for a minute but the Wily Coyote came back to me in a flash and I started doing some world class gagging. ‘Ol Uncle Ben dropped me on my head so fast I didn’t think I would ever get it back up out of my rib cage.
I took off again. This time I tried a new tack. I headed for the fireplace in the sun room. I found a book and sat down in front of the fireplace. I had known for years how to appear obsequious and fawning. I stayed by the fire waiting my chance but there were just too many of these completely boring old people milling about. I edged my way back toward the kitchen.
I circled around behind the kitchen counter and leaped up on it. I grabbed my top hat and immediately went into my old Sinatra-Astaire routine but it proved to be too much action for me. Wild women were clutching and grabbing at me. They plied me with adult drinks. I ran for it. I made my way backstage for a wardrobe change. I used my next routine to divert their attention as I fine-tuned my escape plan.
Nothing can conceal your true intentions like wearing the original Cat in the Hat-hat. I did my first impression of the Dr. Seuss Crazy Cat while juggling at the same time. I am expertly expert at juggling (with one ball) but I did discover, almost too late, that you need to be able to see the balls if you juggle them. Even if you use just one ball. As soon as I got a good chance I managed to slip under the wire and make my get away back to a secret room inside the bathroom where this guy had slot machines set up. The guy looked vaguely familiar. He looked a lot like my Daddy but I think there was a human hand hanging from his mouth. I turned my back on him and worked magic on his one-armed-bandit. There was no way he could catch me. I was too quick for him. I could see him frowning in concern but it didn’t matter. My plan was working. It only took me a few minutes to outwit the
slot machine. With a wicked grin I showed the strange man the loot I had won from his stupid one-armed bandit. Laughing hysterically I ran out the back door, mounted one of Uncle Ben’s trustiest steeds and rode off into the moonlight. I have never been seen or heard from since that day…..until now. I only share this story with you because I miss my dog………..and sometimes my Sister.