The Kensley Report IX – To Kim Cooper Brooks from Ken Ken – I think today was a repeat of yesterday. I woke up about ten o’clock and Uncle Ben put me to work recovering pictures and documents he has secreted in all kinds of weird places on his computer. He doesn’t understand how to name files. He says that for many years when he was working, folders always went into files and now, on computers, the files go into folders. He says computer geeks do things like that to give old people anxiety attacks. He has some files with names like Dragonseed which was a book he read when he was about ten. He has no idea what is in the file or why he named it that or why he saved it. He has about ten folders named “Kay’s Camera.” He says that’s easy to remember and if someone wants a copy of a picture, he says, “Look on my computer under Kay’s Camera.” He says that keeps nosy people busy for a while. He has no memory of any password, ever. He says nobody can rip off his password because he has to use a new one every time he goes onto a protected website.
We talked about favorite colors. Mine is blue. Aunt Kay and Uncle Ben favor green. Uncle Ben says that over 40% of people in many of the countries in the world like the color blue best. He said he cannot remember when he did not use a green toothbrush. When I asked why he said one of the first things he notices in the mornings is the toothbrush in his hand and he loves the color green so a green toothbrush makes him happy in the mornings. He said the only time a green toothbrush failed to make him happy was when Paul played soccer and he was with Aunt Kay and a bunch of soccer parents in a motel in Macon. Uncle Ben had bought a new green electric toothbrush. While brushing his teeth that next morning, he fell asleep at the lavatory. The toothbrush jumped out of his mouth, loosened a tooth, ripped his lip, left a furrow across his cheek and wound up attached to his right ear lobe. When he finally got himself straightened out and in the lobby with Aunt Kay and the other soccer parents, Aunt Kay leaned over and whispered, “You’ve got soap in your ear.” Uncle Ben said, “that’s not soap.” Aunt Kay said, “Then what is it.” Uncle Ben said, “It’s toothpaste.” Aunt Kay told me this story and she said she didn’t say another word to him. She left the room for a while because she was determined that she was not going to ask him how he got toothpaste in his ear in front of all those people. She was afraid to hear the answer.
Uncle Ben worked in the yard today. One time I saw him pushing a small mower and it was hard to tell if he was pushing it or using it to keep from falling down. I never saw anybody use a lawnmower as a crutch before. He was going to grill some burgers but we couldn’t get him to turn loose of the mower so Aunt Kay grilled them inside on a little George Foreman grill. Uncle Ben said George Foremen has eight sons and they are all named George. He says George Foreman either lacks imagination, has an extremely short memory or is really lazy. He says you can’t mention any of this to Mr. Foreman because he is a very large man who can drive your entire head deep into your chest cavity by just patting it.
Uncle Ben says names are really important and people should take care when naming pets and children. For example, he said, Uncle Geoffrey Gray had a dog he named “No No.” Paul wanted to know how you disciplined a dog named No No. Paul had a good point. When No No was sent to obedience school, every time the trainers would try to stop one of No No’s bad habits she thought they were calling her to lunch. That’s right, No No was a girl. No No was kicked out of obedience school. The trainers said she had insurmountable psychological problems. Uncle Ben says that is my lesson for the day. “Watch what you name pets and children!”