The Kensley Report #13 – 2012

The Kensley Report XIII – To Kim Cooper Brooks from Ken Ken – Today was the laziest day yet. Uncle Ben had a home appraiser come by to appraise the house. The appraiser was out in the wet grass in tennis shoes and then when he came in with dirty shoes, Uncle Ben said, “I’ll go ahead and hold that clipboard for you while my wife whips you for coming in here with those dirty shoes. She whips me even when she professes to love me so I know she’s going to give you a bad beating because she don’t even know you.” The guy looked kind of embarrassed but Uncle Ben told him, “Go ahead and take your shoes off because we have an elderly lady who lives one house over and I don’t want her to be scared by that ambulance coming out here to pick you up.”

Uncle Ben showed me pictures of a Great Blue Heron, he and the neighbor’s son, Andy, captured. The bird had a broken wing caused by an attack from dogs. The four year old girl named Addison who lives one house over said “what’s the bird’s name?” Uncle Ben said, “His name is Charley.” Addison said, “Charley is a girl.” Uncle Ben said, “Oh.” Uncle Ben and Andy took Charlie blindfolded in a big box about 70 miles toward Dublin to a woman who rescues animals but Charlie could not be saved because the wing bones are so thin and delicate they often will not mend after being broken. Addison calls him Umple Ben because that’s how she learned to say uncle when she was real small. She has a real uncle that she calls uncle but she still calls Uncle Ben, Umple.

The air conditioning people came out to service the air conditioning units. When they went up in the attic, Aunt Kay and Uncle Ben told me to get in an area of the house that was not under the section where the a/c guys were in case one of them fell through the ceiling. I thought they were kidding but Uncle Ben says he has a neighbor whose wife went upstairs and stepped in the wrong place and her whole leg came through the ceiling. She was a large woman and when she went to yelling and hollering that she was stuck, her husband and Uncle Ben were outside and in a panic they ran in the house and upstairs and her husband went crazy and was trying to yank her loose from the ceiling. Uncle Ben said, “Hold on, don’t let her go,” and he ran downstairs and grabbed a big pair of vice grip pliers and went down under her and stood on a chair. He said he clamped down on her big toe with those vice-grip pliers and he yelled upstairs, “She’s coming out, grab her!”

Uncle Ben said she snatched her leg out of that hole like a snake had her and her husband broke three of his ribs and her right arm trying to hold her down to keep her from going through the roof. He said they never did find these the pliers again.
We watched “The Patriot” on TV this afternoon. I told Uncle Ben it makes me nervous when you see those scenes where somebody gets shot or stuck in the throat with a knife and I want to twist my head or jump to one side so they can’t get to me. Uncle Ben said he was the same way and when he was a teenager, it got so bad for him that he would start jerking backwards and jumping around in his seat or sliding way down to dodge a bullet, then popping back up to watch the next scene that before the movie even got started good, the usher would come down the aisle with a flashlight and walk him outside and tell him to go home. He was banned from the Albany Theater until he was 21. He said it was all 3-D to him long before they ever invented 3-D.  Uncle Ben has a nice way of making you comfortable with your imaginary fears.