The Kensley Report XIV – To Kim Cooper Brooks from Ken Ken – I guess if you come to pick me up today this will be my last report to you from Camp Kay. I think Uncle Ben is just getting older. We could not get some of our projects off the ground like we did in past summers and I just heard him tell somebody that he only wears a sock on his right foot because his left foot doesn’t like socks. The sock he wears on his right foot is always the same sock and it is a pretty old sock. He said it is a lot older than I am. He also told the guy that he thinks he dislocated his shoulder this afternoon trying to get that old sock off his right foot.
The jewelry marketing scheme fell flat because Uncle Ben says the people at Etsy may be more mentally challenged than he is. Our jewelry pictures look like slides of rabid bacteria fried in bacon fat. He said he’s going to fire Etsy because if they propose to have a national or international presence they are absolutely going to have to teach their computers to talk Southern. We couldn’t understand their website instructions and he was afraid to call them because he gets tired of talking to people in India who get confused when they answer his call and he yells “Hey.” He always yells, “Hey” when he calls somebody and it really scares and confuses people in India. Anyhow, I am packing up the “jewry” as he calls it to bring home with me.
One of our projects is still pretty much a secret but we will continue to work on it as soon as Uncle Ben can explain it to Paul. Paul knows how to talk to people in India. Paul does not yell “Hey” when they answer the phone. We were going to make wind chimes from bamboo today but Aunt Kay made Uncle Ben mow the lawn because she got lost in a patch of tall weeds yesterday when we came home from town. She stepped too far out of the car. I never before noticed how short she is.
Uncle Ben did go check some bamboo growing out back but he hurried back in and said we shouldn’t go out there because he saw a green mamba crawling in the bamboo. He said they are a highly venomous snake and you can die from the bite. I said green mambas do not live in Southeast Georgia. They live in East Africa. He said, “I just saw one in Southeast Georgia.” So I said, “Let’s go out there and let me look at him.” After we looked around we saw the snake in the bamboo and I said, “Uncle Ben, that is a grass snake and he is harmless. He’s probably too scared to bite you and his mouth is so small he can’t bite you.” Uncle Ben just looked at me and said, You know Ken Ken, I liked you a lot more before you became both a teen-ager and a Googler.” I think Uncle Ben is not only feeling his age, he can’t handle the heat anymore. It makes him dizzy.
We watched “Four Weddings” on TV and Uncle Ben loves to comment on the wedding gowns. Yesterday we watched this extremely large girl in a sleeveless wedding gown and Uncle Ben said, “She should not wear a sleeveless gown because her arms look like the hams on a #1 Yorkshire sow. She should be listed in the National Swine Registry.” I said, “Uncle Ben, you are being ugly. She might not be able to control her weight.” Uncle Ben said, “You are absolutely right, Ken Ken, however, a woman with arms that large should fork out another thousand dollars and get some more fabric to cover up all that flesh. She could save a fortune by buying a used parachute for material.”
Then I asked Aunt Kay what kind of wedding dress did she have and Aunt Kay showed me their wedding album. My Daddy was the ring bearer and he had curly blonde hair combed over his ears. He was so cute. Uncle Ben and Aunt Kay looked young and pretty. Aunt Kay changed into a dress to travel in and I’ve got to tell you, it barely covered her bottom. Aunt Kay said girls wore miniskirts and mini dresses in those days and when I exclaimed, “Wow!” Uncle Ben said “Yes, yes wasn’t it wonderful?”
They told me that they had been married for about five years when, one evening, both families were together enjoying a bird supper, Aunt Kay’s mother (Granny) and Uncle Ben’s Mother (Mama Ro) discovered, in conversation, that they both descended from Henry Crawford Tucker who was a Colquitt County pioneer and whose claim to fame was he fathered 32 children by three wives. Mama Ro descended from one of Tucker’s first children by his first wife and Granny descended from one of his youngest children by his third wife. This means that Aunt Kay and Mama Ro had the same Great Great Grandfather Uncle Ben and Aunt Kay were speechless for a while and decided they were about fourth cousins, or so, and that it really didn’t matter at this point because they had been married for over five years. But then Paul came along and this meant that Henry Crawford Tucker is Paul’s third and fourth Great Grandfather. Uncle Ben said they worried for a while when Paul was born and just a baby because it looked like his eyes were sot to close together but after he got a little older, his head got bigger and now his eyes and his head seem to match up okay.