Uncle Ben’s, Athens Dubious Health Aids Memo #1 – A Hairy Situation.








Sharing health tips with old friends is fun. Some of my old friends no longer have that golden opportunity to continue aging but there are a few still stumbling around in geriatric fogs who might be able to avail themselves of this priceless, (or practically useless) information.

My latest health information came from reading an article I found in the neighbor’s trash can. She has a large parrot named Alfie and I can hear Alfie calling my name all hours of the night because Alfie hates me and he is a real pain in the ass most evenings.

Anyhow I have been studying the purest of Alfie’s castings (parrot gradoo) from the trashed newspapers Mrs. Fluxley uses on the bottom of Alfies cage. I am hoping to discover and prepare a diet for Alfie that will render him permanently speechless. Mrs. Fluxley is a sweet woman and does not realize that Alfie and I hate each other.

In perusing Alfie’s droppings from the newspaper that came from his cage I happened to notice an article on your health and your hair (and other health tidbits) I think you’ll appreciate. There were a number of health tips but I think I discovered one that is surely the holy grail of tips and it will help you in a myriad of ways.

The first tip I saw told me to beware of your hairline receding: Now this may seem the tip is just for women but don’t forget how many old dudes you see prancing around with a ponytail these days? Well, to tell the truth, they aren’t really prancing. That ponytail gives off a prancing effect because the guy who has it stuck on his head is old and feeble. His head is rocking up and down like a bobble doll head. He is so past his prime he can’t even hold his head up. If you were to lift his cap to look at the top of his head you’d have to have sunglasses to keep the glare from that chrome dome from blinding you. That’s right the ponytail man never has hair on the top of his head.

Anyhow the article says “If your hairline is receding you may be suffering female pattern hair loss (androgenetic alopecia). This can be serious in up to 40% of women but you also should never rule out “traction alopecia.” Traction alopecia occurs when you have your ponytail too tight which tears out your precious hairline by the roots.

Now this is where the holy grail of health tips hit me like a ton of bricks. After reading that one health tip about your hair and traction alopecia I have come to believe this disorder is responsible for many ailments we find occurring in and on our persons every day.

For example:

-The whites of your eyes are gray. Your ponytail is too tight. You’ve squeezed all the blood out of your head (and eyeballs).

– Losing sleep? Your ponytail is too tight. You can’t get the proper rest with that thing twisting around your neck like a hangman’s noose.

Craving salt? Your ponytail is too tight. You have wrung all the salt out of your head.

– Gums bleed? Your ponytail is too tight. Too tight ponytails can cause teeth to loosen and fall out at the most embarrassing times (like an important business luncheon).

– Black and swollen tongue? Your ponytail is too tight. This should be obvious to you. If you have lost the ability to speak because you’re tongue is too large call 911 and gurgle HELP!!

– Skin dry, itchy? Your ponytail is too tight. Brain signals to your skin cells are interrupted. The skin cells, feeling neglected, just dry up and fall off your body.

– Urine dark yellow? Your ponytail is too tight. You are forgetting to drink water. Also, once again you have restricted your blood flow. Your urethra is being strangled.

– Arches too high? Your ponytail is too tight. It is so tight you have snatched your arches up to your knees and if you are a woman you probably have pulled your bosoms up next to your ears.

So there you have it and I think I have just touched on a few of the ailments you can suffer from having your ponytail too tight. Who would have thought it? If it had not been for my strong dislike of Alfie the parrot we might have never discovered many of our current day health problems.

You owe me nothing. I cannot charge for my advice because my ex-wife used my medical diploma to cover the bottom of a parrot cage. If you feel inclined to make a small donation please send it to “Pony Rides for Old People.” Don’t worry they don’t really let old people ride ponies. The ponies are old too. They’re too old to stand. Old people just sit on the ponies’ bellies as the ponies sleep on their sides. The ponytails on these little horses are natural. They are not natural on people. Loosen the ties that bind you. Listen to your scalp go, ‘Ahhhhhhh.’

I’ll bet sitting on a sleeping pony’s belly is a lot more fun than reading articles from newspapers that have been used to line the floor of a parrot’s cage.


Why do pictures of ponytails on gals look fetchingly lovely and seeing a ponytail on a guy makes you want to look or run the other way?

Ponytail man

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