Fallin’ Out with the Gout

We’re talking about the feet because you have to start somewhere and our feet were our first means of motivation. Our feet put us out on the road right up to where we are now. We will eventually work our way up to the head. We’ll talk about it later because the head won’t be as interesting since most geezers have empty heads.

Gout – There are no known atheists who have suffered the gout. Gout will make true believers of the world’s worst heathens. Deep in your body there is a demon who waits patiently until, one evening, you come home, you have a shooter or two before dinner and then you pig out on a delicious sirloin steak and wash down all that red meat with good wine or a beer or two and later, just when you get settled into that peaceful, restful sleep you are so looking forward to, there comes a little twinge or twist in your big toe. You don’t know it yet but a demon has you by that toe and before the next two or three days pass the demon has performed a life changing, body and soul, conversion on you. Gout is so bad that it hurts me even to talk about it. After that first warning twinge, the demon leaps into bed with you, leans over your leg, and stabs you in that same big toe with an icepick. You cannot see him but you will never forget him. An icepick stabbed directly into the center of your big toe, right through the toenail, creates a horrible and indelible memory. You may forget birthdays, anniversaries and important business meetings but you will never forget the demon with the icepick. You will become a world class believer. You will call on the Lord for mercy with the biggest megaphones and bull horns money can buy. Your entire neighborhood will become your personal confessional booth and all your neighbors will hear how big a sinner you’ve been. You will even make up sins to confess.

To sum up the pain of gout, over the years, we have collected the following quotes from old friends:

Good Quote – “When you have gout, you don’t want the bed sheet to touch it.”

Better Quote – “When you have gout, you don’t want a breeze to blow on it.”

Best Quote – “When you have gout, you don’t even want a flashlight to shine on it.”

Gout can hit you in almost any joint. Elbows and knees are especially painful. Some places on the foot are not as painful as others but if the Toe-Demon gets his hands on you and you don’t choose to kill yourself, you will rank right up there on the tough guy scale with hockey goalies. If you have never had an attack of the gout, don’t go looking for it. Watch your diet closely and know what causes uric acid to collect in all that fat and lard you have accumulated the past few years. Do your homework. Eat and drink the right things. There’s a lot of good info out there about the gout, what causes it, how to prevent it and what meds you need to get from your doctor if you are attacked by it. Do not invite the gout to come and live with you!

2 thoughts on “Fallin’ Out with the Gout

  1. Have just completed reading your entire new works for Geezer Grit and must say it has potential. I personally do know an atheist who suffered from the gout, and he changed his habits to avoid further torture. Unfortunately, he then started getting attacks of the various “itis’s”; Arthur, Tendon, etc. He has become a great believer in drugs, all legal…so far. My wife’s scarring, fortunately, is not permanent.

    Keep up the good work.

    • I know all those Itis boys. I used to drink a lot with them when they became a real pain in the arse. Now I just tell myself that the pain really doesn’t hurt. Love all two of you. Ben and Kay

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