Beware of Brazilian Wax – Send it Back to Rio…..or Paris!

I started out with great intentions. I read an article on the dangers of Brazilian waxing and it seemed to me that ladies everywhere would appreciate knowing how costly this waxing could be if you are not careful. Apparently I completely misread and misunderstood the article. I am so embarrassed. But here is what I have learned after I read the idiotic article at least five times.

I thought this would be a great blog for girls. I thought girls were big on waxing and buffing hyper erotic (hypogastric) regions to signify the long awaited arrival of spring and the swim-suited summer. I was sooooo wrong!!

The article I just read clearly states that Brazilian waxing and other methods of removing that bothersome, curly, unwanted covering can increase the risks of physically active people contracting certain STD’s. The Sexually Transmitted Disease the article addressed, in particular, is named Molluscum contagiosum. This is a skin infection and it results in raised, pearl-like spots on the infected areas. From that description and from my vast knowledge of Latin I have determined that Molluscum contagiosum translates (roughly) into, “transmissible oysters (or maybe bivalves). That’s where the pearls come into the picture.

Anyhow I thought this was something that could be charitably shared with any number of  women who had not yet heard of this terrible malady. I was sooooo wrong! Most women I have mentioned this to seemed totally disinterested so I went back and checked the article a second time. After rereading the article I believe this warning should be directed to younger folks and only if they wax, clip or shave their body hair. Aberrations created in the skin like small nicks or cuts while engaging in hair removal can make it easier for a virus or skin infection to occur and especially if you are not carefully choosing the people you play with.

Obviously this article was for much younger people. My circle of friends and most the old gals and guys I am aware of do not indulge in wanton waxing, close shaves or indiscriminate clipping. In fact thoughts of sexual activity in people our age have been known to to cause the onset of myocardial infarction.

In fact, this article about Brazilian Waxing probably should not have appeared in North America at all!

Going through these crazy gyrations has taught me to actually look at words as I read. I believe I am now reading better. I realized this when it hit me that I understood nothing this sad story was trying to tell me until I had read it for the fourth time. If I had read it better, to begin with, I would have seen that there were only 30 patients in the stupid study. Of the thirty people: 70% shaved, 13 % clipped and 10 % waxed their unwanted hair. Ten of the 30 already had warts or a bacterial infection. This is the part that just kills me. Did I mention this just kills me. Well, this just kills me……..24 of the 30 patients were men. Can you imagine that???  And to add to the disgraceful ignominy of it all, this study was made in, of all disreputable countries, France.

Can’t you just see all those fancy-pants Frenchmen prancing around in their speedos once they have had troublesome hair zipped and ripped from their nether regions. Now we know why such a high percentage in the study shaved. Those little girly Frenchmen couldn’t take all the pain that comes with a real wax job!

Men who wear speedos should be subjected to corporal punishment and thrashed soundly with hickory or red oak limbs. They probably would be, but it’s likely they would enjoy it too much. No man sashaying around in a tiny slip of cloth like that should be viewed by the general public.

Certain athletes (swimmers, surfers, scuba divers, for example)  have to compete in such gear. We should give them a pass. It does get pretty hard to take when you see elephantine weight lifters and sumo wrestlers in tights and tiny wraps but we should also give them a pass because they are competing in their sport plus they are really big people and they can hurt you.

About the time, I thought I should finish this or throw it away somebody put a video clip on Facebook showing a bunch of people doing an aerobic workout by a pool. Everybody looked fairly fit with the exception of this big old lard-assed boy who thought he looked stupendous. You never saw such carrying on and strutting about.

His gut was so large if you could have hollowed him out and kept him walking, you could have sneaked four full cases of bottled beer into the ball game, iced down, in his torso. He could be a walking tailgate party all by himself. This boy had perfected super-gut and was tremendously proud of every pound. He knew he looked marvelous.

I didn’t tell the rest of the story.

Old pork barrel had on a SPEEDO. That’s right. Our man of the hour (and perhaps the whole day) had on a speedo. You could hardly see it because his belly had lapped it at least once. Fat overshadowed everything within fifteen feet of the boy.

It was a fitting end to a story about the dangers of Brazilian waxing, clipping and shaving. I imagined a horror scene in a movie with fifteen or twenty people working feverishly on Mr. Tubby trying to get all that horrible hair off his hide.

Since I have no earthly idea how to share this atrocious sight with you I can tell you where to find it. It can be seen as, “Sometimes you should dance like no one’s watching.” It’s on YouTube and Epic Videos.

You can’t miss the guy. It is poolside by a beach. Lots of pool chairs are in the background and a young trainer is leading the workout. There are several pretty women participating who are demurely covered in swim suit coverups but our hero is letting it all hang out. He is the only one with a huge belly and whoever made the video kept the camera glued to him.

I’m sure they immediately recognized the humor value the scene provided and they certainly had the right idea. On a laughter scale of one to one hundred this video has gone over the top. The thing has gone viral. I saw one copy that had been viewed three million times and comments on the post looked to be in Russian.

Maybe one day we will find him beached by the sea. It is not uncommon for certain species of whales. He can be saved but we would have to capture him and ship him to France so they can wax his big ass.







4 thoughts on “Beware of Brazilian Wax – Send it Back to Rio…..or Paris!

  1. Holy. Cow. Evidently, Mr Speedo was trying to prove the old adage that “tan fat looks better than white fat.” Equally evident is that that old adage just ain’t true. What cracks me up is how the instructor just keeps on going like nothing’s happening out of the ordinary. But hey, at least the guy’s trying! Too funny!

    • I was much too hard on the fat boy just because he was fat. I am a fat boy too but I have never attacked the finer sensibilities of others by wearing a speedo. He was having a good time but I have seen a number of comments that made light of him and a number that condemned him for spoiling their poolside drinks and lunch by the near totality of his unencumbered corpulent display of largely unrestrained lard. I think you’re right in that, “all fat looks fat!”

  2. I find it hilarious that you read that waxing article 5 times! You are definitely thorough! And I was laughing when you talked about the dancing guy with the voluminous torso because I had seen that clip earlier in the day and thought, Now THERE’S a guy who knows how to have fun! We need to be more like that guy!

    • You are so correct, Darcy Perdue. He was having a good time. I should not condemn his fat. I just can’t handle fat restrained by a speedo. They probably should have put him on the beach to work out… night… the dark!

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