Downtown Athens, Back Porch Police Blotter

I have written this report on crime in Athens specifically for Curtis Fraser because Curtis recently chastised me for not telling about the 14 year old girl who threw a series of fits over a three day period because someone drank her Mountain Dew. Apparently mixing a teenaged girl with too much Mountain Dew can make them as crazy as a run over dog. The police had to come get the girl because she was yelling, screaming, threatening to set fire to her Mother and her Step-father and banging her fists on the wall. I hope they put her somewhere to dry her out and please keep her off that Mountain Dew.

I can only offer this as a small way of apology because there are actually so many strange goings on in Athens and surrounding vicinities that I cannot keep up with all of them. Trying to keep up with such madness will rub off on you and Katie Mae has already had a serious discussion with me about having me institutionalized….just for a short while she promises with an amused gleam in her eyes.

I have taken to watching local policemen closely. I swear to you, they all look sane and serious about the business at hand but I cannot for the sake of me see how they manage to confront all the bizarre, wretched and crazy individuals they come face to face with every day and still maintain any small semblance of sanity.  My hat is forever off to them and my appreciation to them for keeping me as safe as humanly possible is never ending.

Now back to you, Curtis Fraser. I am only writing this because another 14 year old girl child has gone berserk and lest you give me a fanny chewing about my not telling you about her, here it is: She is 14 and she has a twin brother. Their Mama innocently brought home a sack of Cheetos. The girl was gobbling up the Cheetos with great gusto when her brother decided he wanted to fill the cracks between his teeth with orange crud too. He grabbed for the snack bag. It tore in two. Cheetos went flying as did the girl. She flew into the kitchen and got her hands on a large butcher knife. It was the kind they sometimes use to de-bone hogs.

She tried to separate the boy from the Cheetos he had picked up off the floor and I believe she was going to separate him from the Cheetos that he had in his stomach but, fortunately, her Mother got the knife away from her. The police had to come get this 14 year old girl too. She and her brother were already on probation.

Now, don’t worry, Curtis. I have some feelers out and I am going to soon learn if the Cheetos girl was washing them down with Mountain Dew. This could really get serious. I hear Governor Deal’s people have been talking to Mayor Bloomberg’s people and there may be a decision made to ban Mountain Dew. You can keep your guns but you’ll have to pour all your Mountain Dew down the drain. Of course the Mountain Dew folks can step in and make that stuff a little lighter so it won’t press so hard on the nervous system of teenagers and most other peoples.

Meanwhile I did want to tell you about a new trend that drunks around here seem to be following. They tend to be attracted to the very people who can keep them safe by locking their drunk butts in jail and that’s not a bad thing.

I don’t know what these older homeless type guys are drinking up here these days but several of them have taken to screaming and yelling in the streets. They throw trash cans around and the police have to move in and get to know them better.

One drunk jaywalker walked straight into the street and out in front of a police car. That’s a quick way to get emergency services if you need them. Just let a cop run you over and he can use his police radio to call you an ambulance.

My favorite episode is the drunk who drove up to the Oconee County Sheriff’s Office, walked into the lobby and began talking about buying a Mercedes limo with over sized tires and he also happened to mention he was a genius. The Chief Deputy, Lee Weems, who saw him drive up smelled alcohol on him and asked him to blow into a portable alcohol tester. Deputy Weems advised him he was not under arrest and he did not have to submit to further testing. The genius boozer, at that point,  told Weems he wanted to take the test on the official machine. He blew .14 on the official machine and he was officially and instantly charged with DUI. I don’t think that machine will test your IQ but I feel pretty confident in saying, “He ain’t no damned genius.”

That’s about it for us up here around Athens. We are holding our own but who knows how long we can hold our own.

You will be doing us a big favor if you can touch base with any friends you might have in Springfield, GA. We want to be sure the court over there will keep this fellow for a long time.  He’s the one who set his pit bulldogs on the pet pig and then fell bodily on the hog so he could stab it 20 or 30 times. We would really appreciate it if they could keep him away from here. It sounds like he has been living off Cheetos and Mountain Dew.

Maybe he would have a change of heart if he had to spend every night with the pig for the next couple of years.




One thought on “Downtown Athens, Back Porch Police Blotter

  1. After working the police beat on several small-town newspapers, I have to say that your collection of criminals is pretty good. In reading and transcribing police reports, I learned that while I owe my life to police, they aren’t great writers. On the other hand, I’m no good with a gun or a drunk. My favorite narrative was from the GA State Patrol: The trooper reported that the driver was traveling at a high rate of speed when he left the roadway. He traveled approximately 215 feet in the ditch, returned to the roadway, skidded across three lanes and hit the median, re-entered the roadway, left it again, and overturned. At that point he lost control of his car, hit a fence, overturned again, and then came to rest in a culvert.

    Apparently, until the car overturned, he had complete control of the car. Classic.

Comments are closed.