The Kensley Report #6 – 2012

·        The Kensley Report VI – To Kim Cooper Brooks from Ken Ken – We’ve had to put our latest projects under top-secret wraps. Uncle Ben says if our plans are revealed, the Chinese will be on our doorstep in the morning and they will kidnap us and whisk us away to some God-forsaken place in outer Mongolia and we’ll be imprisoned in a sweat box of a work shop to produce our latest invention so they can steal more of our American ideas so they can produce products to sell back to Americans in order to eventually own us body and soul. He put black-out curtains on all the windows and had us whispering in the dark. He also made Aunt Kay fry the pork chops under a beach towel so their eavesdropping devices would be confused. Just in case we’re captured he made me practice eating fried okra with chop sticks.

Our secret plans went temporarily awry when we were in Wally World waiting in line in one of their most popular departments. There was a big country guy in front of us who, despite his large size, looked like a family with six children had moved out of the seat of his pants. Naturally this resulted in our being subjected to an unobstructed view of his bare behind every time he leaned forward. Uncle Ben said “quick, quick, get your camera out. Utube is paying small fortunes for shots of Wal-Mart people with plumber’s butt.” I started laughing and couldn’t get my camera so Uncle Ben got his camera and was snapping away and wrote Utube to see how much they were paying for pictures of over sized farm boys showing a good five inches of gaping buttocks. He was really disappointed when they sent back a note that there were over three million people on Utube trying to sell similar snapshots taken in Wal-Mart. You should have seen his face fall. I started laughing even harder. The big man turned around with a snarl and said “what’s so funny?”

Uncle Ben looked up at him and said “Don’t worry. She’ll be okay. She gets silly and giddy every time she eats fried okra with chop sticks.

Tomorrow the people who want to buy the house are sending over a nit-picker (according to Uncle Ben) to inspect the house. Uncle Ben says the guy might become aggravating. If he does, Uncle Ben says he will run over the guy with his riding mower to distract him a little bit. He thinks the ambulance and the EMT’s trying to put the guy’s leg back on him will be a pretty good distraction.