Our Fat is getting to be serious business folks, not just in America but world-wide.
A news story from the end of July reports the sad case of Albert Buitenhuis who is a 50 year old South African man being kicked out of New Zealand because he is obese and the lard on his fat fanny puts him at risk of having cancer, hypertension, heart disease and diabetes.
Buitenhuis is not one of the lads pictured. He probably isn’t that fat. He is 5’8″ tall and weighs 286 pounds which puts his body mass index (BMI) at 40. For those of you who don’t know how to put a realistic number on all that fat you’re toting, a BMI of 40 is about 15 points higher than normal and I mean normal at its worst level. I’m 6’1″ and weigh 210 and I am in the mid-range between fat boy and obese man at 27.7. Normal is 18.9 to 24.9 It would be fantastic, health wise, to have a BMI of 20. Mr. Buitenhuis is already 10 points past obese on the charts and he’s only 50 years old.
Anyhow, Mr. Buitenhuis is facing deportation from New Zealand because health authorities there say his physical condition will eventually tax the country’s healthcare system and it will take big tax bucks to treat ensuing health horrors in the years to come.
So where does this leave us. We’re not just a an adult’s step away from being treated the same way right here in the country of our birth. We are actually only a baby step from big trouble at the table. Schools in 19 of our states are now conducting annual student weigh-ins and reports are sent to their homes to let the parents know if the child is considered fat or not.
Ever since the Great Obamacare Debacle began we have been worried about “Death Panels” made up of merciless, heartless, cold and cruel young medical providers denying us older folks treatment for any given number of reasons depending on who happens to be doling out our daily portion of scare tactics.
The Death Panels would probably come too late to snag me but I contend we don ‘t have to worry about Death Panels anyhow because we won’t be here long enough to be rejected for health treatment by arrogant young snips in white smocks.
Your more immediate worry is where do you want to go and where you happen to wind up once you get deported for being a porker. It will be called “Porker Deportation.” Porker Deportation will take place in the dead of the night for poor people. You will be far from the embarkations of the monied beautiful people in order to spare them the disgust of hearing your pathetic whining, grunting and oinking.
You will have to embark from old, previously abandoned docks in large port cities and you will board rusty, creaking, moldy hulks of World War Two supply ships to be held in dank holds of the ships until you reach a Corpulent Colony.
The Corpulent Colonies will be reminiscent of horror stories we read as kids about the leper colonies on bare and desolate islands and the French penal colony at Devil’s Island. You will get one chance and one chance only to lose that big gut and all those excess pounds. If you fail you can never come back. If you do manage to lose weight your fat loss redemption is good for one return trip home and you can stay only if you don’t backslide down that slippery lard slope. If you regain the lost weight you have to appear before a Death Panel and they will take you out back and shoot you.
Of course that treatment is just for the poor. People with money can choose any island they like. They can go to Aruba, Bali, Bora Bora, or Jamaica or any place they desire. They will be given the opportunity to lose weight on three separate occasions and then, if they can’t keep the fat off, they are fined half of everything they own and banished from the US for life.
This may sound like a the world’s sweetest punishment but you must remember; you can only live on Mai Tais and Margaritas for so long. They are slower than the Death Panel but one day you will be discovered face down in your drink under a Tiki hut with a tiny, gaily colored parasol stuck up you right nostril.
P.S – Cigarette smokers who cannot be cured within a 24 hour period will be taken before the Death Panel and then taken out back and shot.