The Kensley Report #7

The Kensley Report VII – To Kim Cooper Brooks from Ken Ken –Today we had the nit-picker come by but he was a pretty cool guy so Uncle Ben didn’t have to run him over with the lawn mower. Besides he was young and big and strong so Uncle Ben told me he would give the guy a pass on having to rough him up a bit. Aunt Kay and I went to get her hair cut and Uncle Ben said before the guy left he told Uncle Ben that he had two loose shingles. I think Uncle Ben was mad. I heard him mumbling something about “you don’t just walk into a stranger’s house and start telling him he’s got loose shingles. That’s just rude! I started to tell him I may have two loose shingles but you are ugly as hell and I can get those shingles fixed tomorrow.” Then the guy told Uncle Ben that he also was a roofer. Uncle Ben said, “I’ll bet that guy finds loose shingles on every house he inspects. I should have run over him with the lawn mower.”
There was an empty beautician’s chair at the salon so I got in it and spun around, and spun around and spun around and then stood up and then fell over and hit my mouth on the sink they wash hair in and broke the enamel off the sink. My teeth don’t look too bad. Aunt Kay and Miss Charlene wired them back in for me using some old rusty pliers Miss Charlene found in her husband’s tackle box in a car he abandoned in the back parking lot in 1957. Aunt Kay said it’s a good thing Miss Anna can work miracles with crooked and cracked teeth.
We met Uncle Ben at Moe’s for lunch. Uncle Ben had never eaten at a Moe’s before. He said it’s very likely he will never eat at Moe’s again.  He says after over 60 years of a misspent youth, his stomach does better on apple sauce and Gerber baby foods. He kept asking the staff if they had ever heard Louis Jordan sing “Five Guys Named Moe.” None of them had even though he asked each one about three or four times. Then Aunt Kay and I had to listen to him name about a thousand things named Moe. He started off with Little Moe and Big Moe and Four-Eyed Moe and Cross-Eyed Moe and on to No Moe and Plenty Moe. Then came short Moe and Tall Moe and when he ran out of guys named Moe he started in on Moe descriptions like Moe Bettah and Moe Worser. He went on into Mogrits Moe and Motea Moe and finally Aunt Kay stared him down with a fierce glare and said “No mo Moe or I will strangle you in slow mo.” He finally shut up. We left with heartburn and I think Moe’s staff will be really happy if Uncle Ben never eats there again.
The battery in Aunt Kay’s remote control key for her Toyota died. She told Uncle Ben that her user’s manual said to be very careful when handling the battery. Uncle Ben said, “That’s just Toyota’s way of gypping you out of your money. I’ll bet they charge you forty bucks to put a new battery in that remote control!” So he went to five places trying to find the right battery for the control. He finally found one for $6.41 at Radio Shack and he gleefully bragged to me that he found one for $6.41 and probably saved about $35.00 by not getting one from Toyota. When he got home, he even called Toyota and asked them how much they charged for the battery. The guy told him “four bucks. “Uncle Ben said, “What??” The guy said, “Four bucks!” Uncle Ben said, “How much do you charge for installing it in the remote?” The guy said, “Nothing, we just open it up and pop it in for free.” Uncle Ben has not mentioned the battery any more.
We think Etsy is a big flop for us. We spent hours trying to get the photos of the jewelry bright and clear and they turned out looking like slides of anemic amoebae from the Center for Disease Control. The pictures are about the size of postage stamps and you can’t really tell what’s in the pictures. Apparently you cannot enlarge them. It took so long to finally get them on the website because every time Uncle Ben would confirm his e-mail address, Etsy would send another message asking him to confirm his e-mail address. Uncle Ben says the people who designed the website are not mentally well and if he could arrange a meeting with them and break some kneecaps, we might get better results, but probably not. He says he’s going to buy me one of those suitcases that folds out into a display and has legs on it so I can sell my jewelry on street corners in big cities and just to keep me safe he’s going to send a trained gorilla (not a jungle warfare fighter but a very large monkey) with a machete and a box of hand grenades with me.