Is It the Cat’s Pajamas……or the Cat’s Commode?

Unfortunately I do not have a picture of the prototype pet commode recently donated to the town of El Vendrell, Spain by inventor Enric Girona. The commode is a hole in the ground with a flush handle that is connected to the sewer system. There is also a drain grid next to the hole for tinkling purposes. It’s built on a twenty square foot platform that is self-cleaning. In Spain you can be fined up to $1,000 in Madrid and $2,000 in Barcelona for not cleaning up after your animals.

But we should have no problem in America because I have become acutely aware in the past two or three years that our pets know how to use a commode. I recently saw a film of a dog hopping up on a commode in his owner’s house and doing his business in the right spot. He even had the strength to push the flush handle when he was finished. He was a pretty good sized dog so I guess all that extra weight helped him complete the flush.

We can also teach our kitties the proper use of a commode if we will simply be patient and be willing to spend the time in the bathroom petting them and coaxing them to do the right thing. Then we have to figure out how to make the commode flush. I suggest an electric flushing apparatus that is triggered by the cat jumping to the floor and landing on a small pad that has a built in switch which signals the electronic flusher to flush the commode.

I told my friend Bubba Jack Johnson all about my idea for a cat commode that could actually be flushed by the cat. Bubba Jack is mechanically inclined and when you can get him to settle down and put his mind on the business at hand he can’t be beat at fabricating things like cat commodes.

I think I made a bad mistake in getting Bubba Jack so involved and excited about the idea. He lives with his Mama and that’s where I found him when I told him about plans for my new project.

I never dreamed he would use his Mama’s cat as a guinea pig. Kitty (his Mama doesn’t have a lot in the way of imagination when it comes to naming pets) weighs about twenty-five pounds and she has about ten or twelve more pounds of hair.

Bubba Jack got it all put together and he took Kitty and put her on the commode. The commode flusher chose to malfunction at that very moment and the water blew out the top of the commode and all over Kitty. Kitty screeched and leaped four or five feet in the air. When she came down on the pad with the flush switch built into it the commode flushed again and threw water all over the bathroom. Bubba Jack had failed to make the flush pad water-proof. That pad lit Kitty up like fireworks on the Fourth of July.

I had never seen a cat explode. Luckily she didn’t really blow up. Fire raced along her entire body. Bubba Jack grabbed her by the neck and slung her into the commode and put his big foot on her to hold her down until the fire went out. He saved her. I just thought he saved her. His mother did not think so.

The cat commode project has been temporarily suspended. Lately Bubba Jack lives out of his car and his Mama is living by herself in her house. Just her and a naked cat.

Order From Amazon.com

Go to Amazon.com and they will show you how to buy the book for mere pocket change. It’s amazing isn’t it? Amazon will sell anything.

 

Soon Taboo…To Tattoo…Your Cat, Your Dog, and Even Your Hog

I think everybody in this country should be aware that another American bastion of Liberty is being attacked by the US Government. New York is once again the dreaded keystone state that is going all out to take away another God-given right that has been established for centuries between a man and his beloved barnyard buddies.

Recently the New York governor and legislature have addressed the problem (as they see it). Up until now it has been perfectly legal in almost every state for good citizens (referred to in news reports as, “Narcissistic animal lovers”) to have their dogs and cats forced to endure permanent, decorative tattoos and body piercings. Pet pigs are bound to be next in the coming up mix.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo is biting at the bit for the chance to sign legislation that will abolish the tattooing. Who is going to speak for the animals?” How can Governor Cuomo be so self-assured as to think he can decide whether my cat wants twelve nipple rings or not. He must be crazy.

You just wait and see. It won’t be six months before Governor Nathan Deal of Georgia is going to have spies out on every farm in our beautiful Southern state just peeking in barn doors checking our hogs for tattoos. I don’t know about dogs and cats but I know our pigs love their tattoos. If a rattlesnake bite can’t hurt a pig, a tickle from a tattoo needle may be more pleasure than pain.

Anyhow, we scattered all our tattooed sows and boars in the swamp bottoms along the Oconee River. We’ve got so many tattooed pigs in the swamps that many meth-manufacturing dope-heads are leaving the bottoms in droves. The sight of so many technicolored pigs have them going into hallucinatory convulsions.

It’s really sad. I can barely stand the thought of some swamp rat shooting one of our beloved pet pigs and then frying the pork skins down by the river. I keep having a bad dream that ends with an old swamp boy feasting on a multi-colored tattooed fried pork skin. The tattoo reads “Porky Loves Petunia” inside a big red heart.

Order From Amazon.com

At Amazon.com you can buy a Kindle copy of this bizarre book for less than four dollars. If you get a few laughs from it you will have chosen your purchase wisely. If you don’t like it just let me know. I have some 10×12 color glossies of my aunt Lamar when the windstorm blew the outhouse over in a ditch with her inside it. The pictures are yours free and they are worth $4.25 each. You will come out ahead on this deal.

pigs

I’m getting a butterfly on my right cheek and a bracelet on my arm with “Frank Sinatra” on it.

 

A Christmas Cat Home Invasion.

Sego on the deck

Sago from the bedroom window

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Katie Mae is a short person and short persons often, like small children, can spot things those of us who are taller seem to overlook. I was not surprised then, when she opened the blinds to one of our bedroom windows that overlook the deck behind our house. She then questioned the presence there of a dark shadow against the far wall beneath a small potted Sago Palm.

The deck can be seen in the picture on the left. I took that picture on the same rainy day because I wanted you to see what Katie Mae saw when she opened those blinds. The picture does not show a dark shadow under the palm.

I also saw the shadow and told her it might be a cat. I went into the living room and opened blinds there so I could have a better look at the dark spot.

I then went back to the bedroom and told her it was not only a big black cat but it had more than one head and one set of ears. Even though it looked like a big black blob underneath the plant I could see a silhouette of more heads and ears than most cats usually carry around with them.

I carefully eased out the back door to the deck and the mama cat took off across the deck. As she ran down the deck steps she was followed by an agglomeration of little kitten ears, heads, tails and legs. Most astonishing of all is how thickly furred they were and all four of them were black as deep smut.

She led them through the thick woods behind the house and I guessed that was the last we would see of them. I was wrong. Later that night, I could hear a loud cry from a kitten coming from the back deck. Katie Mae said the cry was coming from the front porch and, once again, that short person’s perspective proved to be right.

I went to the front door and peeked through the panel windows on each side of the door and they were all there to greet me. Momma cat gave me what I would call “a warning smile” and a low guttural growl as she chased her brood from the porch. Her unpleasant greeting made me slightly hesitant to open the door so I didn’t.

I’ve seen her around the neighborhood before and I considered her a feral cat. It’s kind of odd to see any stray animals in our neighborhood but she has been around for a while. She is not completely black. She has orange markings on her side that look like a map of Tasmania. From the looks of her smile I suspect she could be a Tasmanian devil and apparently she has not been a totally single parent. So these kittens are not that kind of Christmas gift. I’m pretty sure she had help making them. If he’s anything like her I don’t want to meet him.

They stayed on the porch late into the night until they got caught up in a tangle that was more than they could handle. Katy Mae has tiny sentinel Christmas trees right outside the front door. They are lighted trees. You get my drift. That means they are electrified. They are about three feet tall and they have electric lights running all throughout their limbs or at least they did before those kittens Sego on the deck 2Order From Amazon.comgot to tussling, scuffling, tumbling and fighting amongst themselves and up under those little Christmas Trees.

I heard the loudest caterwauling I have heard in years coming from our front porch. The kittens were all wrapped up in the electric lights and they had taken to scratching and clawing and biting the wires. I jumped to get a remote control to turn off the lights before all those cats really got to smoking.

I turned off the lights and yanked open the front door just in time to see Mama Cat, kittens, trees, lights and all pass under a street light about a hundred yards down from our house.

I could still see dying flickers of colored lights going down the street and the smell of burning cat hair on the porch was strong enough to make me cough.

I’m sure it was the coughing that made me temporarily turn to strong drink.

The entire episode has been a “Bermuda Triangle” moment for me. I have seen no cats, no Christmas Trees and no lights since night before last.

They have completely and totally disappeared. That can’t all be bad. It makes me believe Santa Claus still loves me.