Athens, Georgia – About Crazy and Cross-Eyed Crooks.

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cross-eyed criminal                                                                                      

I often see articles in the Athens Banner-Herald newspaper that I find potentially funny but my concern is: Will others find the police blotter reports as funny as I seem to find them and is it worthwhile to share my weird observations about some of the reports with others on

I think it might make the day go better for some people if they get a giggle, chuckle or guffaw out of these stories. I know it helps me every morning of my life if I can lighten up on the seriousness for a little while and laugh a little.

Anyhow here I go with my thoughts and comments on the latest Athens Banner-Herald police blotter reports that I found amusing:

This morning I read that a woman has been banned for two years from a local convenience store/service station because she had her seven year old son asking people who were gassing-up their cars for money. I would love to see the people the little pan-handler approached turn the tables on his ‘not-the-world’s greatest’ mom and line up outside her car window with outstretched empty hands begging and pleading for money. I think a little embarrassment goes a long way with pan-handlers.

Another shameless pan-handler written up in today’s paper was a 22 year old guy at an Alps Road supermarket asking the store’s customers if they could help him by purchasing baby diapers for his child. Once he hooked somebody, they would buy the diapers and give them to him. He would then return them to the store and get a cash refund for the diapers. Police ran him off (for two years) and found he had no baby….period. I like using the word ‘period’ since a US President of mine has used this word so effectively.

I think the guy with no baby should be made to work under close supervision for two years changing dirty baby diapers in a large nursery.

Sometimes the two year ban does not work on brain-dead pan-handlers. They keep returning to the same stores. They might not know they’ve even been there before.

Yesterday the Oconee County (Watkinsville) Sheriff’s Office had to cease the pursuit of dangerous criminals to negotiate an argument between a mother and her daughter over 87¢. That’s right, eighty-seven cents. The police should have the right to get a large switch from a peach tree and stripe the legs of the daughter for being so disrespectful to her mother and then they should have been able to legally whack mama on the butt with the heavier end of the stick for being such a dummy and calling the police. I’ll bet you she called 911 and some poor soul out there almost died from heart trouble while emergency responders tried to decide the importance of the distraught mother’s call.

My favorite is last. Yesterday it was reported a ‘cross-eyed’ peeping Tom was spying on a woman in the women’s rest room at Athens Technical College. This cross-eyed imbecile actually sat on a bench inside the library of the tech school until a woman came in and went straight to the restroom. A witness reported he bounced off a wall four times before he found the door. He followed her inside the restroom.

She told police that after she had gone into a stall she heard someone come in, enter the next stall and step on top of the commode seat.

Looking up she saw this guy staring at her from over the partition.

She screamed, ‘What are you doing?” and he fled. He obviously had a problem seeing  exactly from where oncoming objects were appearing because a car almost ran over him as he was running away.

The victim reported the guy was cross-eyed. Now I don’t doubt her story for one minute but I am curious to know how she knew he was actually looking at her. I can see her in court with his defense lawyer protesting that his client was merely checking the recessed lighting in the ceiling and then he will ask her to, ‘Show us how he looked when he spied on you.’ That’ll be a tough one to answer unless she is good at crossing her eyes.

For the cross-eyed peeping Tom, the police need to be able to take him out into thick woods and fire a few rounds in the air from their pistols as he races a zigzag course of his own making (that no one else can see) as he runs for his life. I can see him bouncing off pines and oaks that are never exactly where he thinks he sees them.

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Downtown Athens, Back Porch Police Blotter

I have written this report on crime in Athens specifically for Curtis Fraser because Curtis recently chastised me for not telling about the 14 year old girl who threw a series of fits over a three day period because someone drank her Mountain Dew. Apparently mixing a teenaged girl with too much Mountain Dew can make them as crazy as a run over dog. The police had to come get the girl because she was yelling, screaming, threatening to set fire to her Mother and her Step-father and banging her fists on the wall. I hope they put her somewhere to dry her out and please keep her off that Mountain Dew.

I can only offer this as a small way of apology because there are actually so many strange goings on in Athens and surrounding vicinities that I cannot keep up with all of them. Trying to keep up with such madness will rub off on you and Katie Mae has already had a serious discussion with me about having me institutionalized….just for a short while she promises with an amused gleam in her eyes.

I have taken to watching local policemen closely. I swear to you, they all look sane and serious about the business at hand but I cannot for the sake of me see how they manage to confront all the bizarre, wretched and crazy individuals they come face to face with every day and still maintain any small semblance of sanity.  My hat is forever off to them and my appreciation to them for keeping me as safe as humanly possible is never ending.

Now back to you, Curtis Fraser. I am only writing this because another 14 year old girl child has gone berserk and lest you give me a fanny chewing about my not telling you about her, here it is: She is 14 and she has a twin brother. Their Mama innocently brought home a sack of Cheetos. The girl was gobbling up the Cheetos with great gusto when her brother decided he wanted to fill the cracks between his teeth with orange crud too. He grabbed for the snack bag. It tore in two. Cheetos went flying as did the girl. She flew into the kitchen and got her hands on a large butcher knife. It was the kind they sometimes use to de-bone hogs.

She tried to separate the boy from the Cheetos he had picked up off the floor and I believe she was going to separate him from the Cheetos that he had in his stomach but, fortunately, her Mother got the knife away from her. The police had to come get this 14 year old girl too. She and her brother were already on probation.

Now, don’t worry, Curtis. I have some feelers out and I am going to soon learn if the Cheetos girl was washing them down with Mountain Dew. This could really get serious. I hear Governor Deal’s people have been talking to Mayor Bloomberg’s people and there may be a decision made to ban Mountain Dew. You can keep your guns but you’ll have to pour all your Mountain Dew down the drain. Of course the Mountain Dew folks can step in and make that stuff a little lighter so it won’t press so hard on the nervous system of teenagers and most other peoples.

Meanwhile I did want to tell you about a new trend that drunks around here seem to be following. They tend to be attracted to the very people who can keep them safe by locking their drunk butts in jail and that’s not a bad thing.

I don’t know what these older homeless type guys are drinking up here these days but several of them have taken to screaming and yelling in the streets. They throw trash cans around and the police have to move in and get to know them better.

One drunk jaywalker walked straight into the street and out in front of a police car. That’s a quick way to get emergency services if you need them. Just let a cop run you over and he can use his police radio to call you an ambulance.

My favorite episode is the drunk who drove up to the Oconee County Sheriff’s Office, walked into the lobby and began talking about buying a Mercedes limo with over sized tires and he also happened to mention he was a genius. The Chief Deputy, Lee Weems, who saw him drive up smelled alcohol on him and asked him to blow into a portable alcohol tester. Deputy Weems advised him he was not under arrest and he did not have to submit to further testing. The genius boozer, at that point,  told Weems he wanted to take the test on the official machine. He blew .14 on the official machine and he was officially and instantly charged with DUI. I don’t think that machine will test your IQ but I feel pretty confident in saying, “He ain’t no damned genius.”

That’s about it for us up here around Athens. We are holding our own but who knows how long we can hold our own.

You will be doing us a big favor if you can touch base with any friends you might have in Springfield, GA. We want to be sure the court over there will keep this fellow for a long time.  He’s the one who set his pit bulldogs on the pet pig and then fell bodily on the hog so he could stab it 20 or 30 times. We would really appreciate it if they could keep him away from here. It sounds like he has been living off Cheetos and Mountain Dew.

Maybe he would have a change of heart if he had to spend every night with the pig for the next couple of years.