Biggest Loser? You! When You Race With Your Fat And It Gains On You!

When you get my age and you are still mostly male it doesn’t much matter anymore if you are pretty or not. However, if you have started giving a little thought to hanging around a few more years so you can watch the world go completely to hell then you might also think about all that excess fat meat you are hauling around. If you’re like me you are just a big taxicab for a bunch of free loading pounds that have been riding in the cheap seats. Unfortunately, we will ultimately pay the total fare for the free ride our big fannies have been getting.

We have been creeping along at an old snail’s pace but we’ve still managed to blow January totally off the 2013 calendar. Now it’s a big blank in my memory. I want to try to take a slower approach in February so I don’t get stressed mentally or physically. Katie Mae questions me in a calm, kindly, motherly voice, “If all your nerve endings are dead and you lost your mind in 1963, how can you be stressed anywhere?” A woman’s logic always baffles me.

Anyhow, I know I have to look pretty good, in a manner of speaking, when I wear my Valentine’s outfit and the third day after Valentine’s, she would like for me to look suitably alive for her birthday. I was thinking of, “Spiffy,” but I remembered last year when she and Paul took a look at me and said the word should be “Spoofy.”

Because stress makes you body slam people standing between you and the kitchen, (that’s where we keep our refrigerator) we are trying to stress…..less stress. We all know stress makes us pig out. If you perceive you are going through tough times or if you think hard times are just around the corner, your food choice is going to be high calorie. Women who binge-diet generally weigh 50 pounds more than women who diet consistently and peacefully.

So I’m going for the easy. I just read another weird diet about how you can make vegetables so attractive that you will want to smear them on your face instead of eating them. But seriously, this diet makes you work! I can’t believe a diet that makes you work is going to help the problem. By the time you peel and chop all those vegetables, you are going to be so hungry that you will eat everything stored in your vegetable bin. This diet had you preparing all kinds of veggies, as they call them, and then preparing this wonderful, delicate, lighter than air sauce to dip them in. Or you could have a spinach, celery or maybe Vidalia onion smoothie. That is work! You can’t lose weight working! You have to eat a lot in order to be fit and able enough to work that much in the kitchen! Kitchen work is hard work!!

My suggestion is to take it easy on your new diet. Don’t hurt yourself. The diet is really no good if you kill yourself working to maintain it.

Here are several hints and tips I recently picked up on dieting and weight loss. They were given to me and they are yours for the taking. Just don’t get stressed:

Do not try to lose weight by eating donut holes. Donut holes have no calories but eating your way through the donut to get to the hole can turn you into a vast waist land.

You can still count a banana split as a salad if you put a whole wheat crouton on the top and eat it all at one time while standing or while eating with someone you really like that is eating the same treat. You cannot have the cherry.

There is a new miracle spice that you can eat that will literally burn the calories away, or so at least one hundred spammers have told me through e-mails. Beware. This is a trick. We do not need anything else to eat. We are trying to lose weight. You cannot eat yourself slim. I suggest you try the, “Sighted Weight Loss Program.” Under this plan, you sit and stare at a picture of food that you really like. Start about 5:00 PM and continue to stare at it right through the 11:00 o’clock news. It works. Eventually you will pass out and when you wake, it will be time for breakfast.

Be sure you use a photograph. I tried it with a can of creamed corn and when I fell asleep the can almost broke the big toe on my right foot. It hurt for a good three minutes before I ate the corn to make my toe feel better.

My best plan yet is to find this gal I just read about who holds the world record for the largest hips. Her hips are eight feet in circumference. She is described as being, “Plus sized.” I don’t know where they got that description but calling eight foot hips, “Plus” defies all the math I was ever taught. That’s not addition, that’s multiplication. I am going to become her close friend. As long as I can be around her, I am going to look so slim and trim, I’ll never have to worry about another diet.

I may have to break down and exercise a little. A friend just sent this to me and I think there might be a smidgeon of truth somewhere in the good Doctor’s line. The doctor is speaking to his patient and asks him:

What fits your busy schedule best? Would you rather exercise one hour per day or be dead twenty four hours per day?