The Kensley Report IV – Today was a strange day. I almost had to force myself to sleep until noon. It was tough but I made it. A nurse came to see Uncle Ben. She even weighed him with scales she had in her car. Uncle Ben told her that scales hauled around in a car are never accurate and her scales were busted. She told him he was fat. She asked him a lot of questions about his health habits and I don’t think he told her the truth the whole time. She kept giving him strange looks and when I later asked him why, he said “I told her that one of my eyes is green and the other one is blue but you really can’t see it except in a certain light so she was just trying to catch me in the right light.” Aunt Kay said “Uncle Ben lies. I saw him winking at that nurse.”
He did tell her how bright and kreative I am and that I was making jewelry for sell on Etsy. The nurse bought a bracelet and earrings from me. She was out of cash and blank checks so we let her take the goods and gave her a stamped self-addressed envelope so she can mail Aunt Kay the funds and Aunt Kay has already paid me the cashola. Uncle Ben says you must never forget to sell and don’t be shy about talking about the money right up front. He says if the nurse doesn’t send him the money for the jewelry that he’ll call her company and tell them she kept winking at him even though she called him fat.
We went to see their realtor. He said I remind him of his daughter who is twelve and goes to Bulloch Academy. He left the room and Uncle Ben says that no way is his daughter cuter than I am because Bulloch Academy girls aren’t as cute as Deerfield girls.
We went to a Mexican Restaurant that looks like an East Indian cat house according to Uncle Ben. Uncle Ben and I had cokes. Aunt Kay had seven frozen margaritas. Uncle Ben said coke makes him dizzy so I had to drive home. Uncle Ben taped the tire iron to my right leg and sat me on the spare tire so everything worked out fine.
Tomorrow I volunteer at the hospital gift shop with Aunt Kay. I’m really excited. I get to eat free. I hope they have plenty of cherry tomatoes in the cafeteria.
The Kensley Report III – To Kim Cooper Brooks from Ken Ken. Today we left Uncle Ben still mumbling some of those strange words to himself and working on the “Etsy” project and went to see Katy Perry. I wanted to see Magic Mike and tried to get Aunt Kay to slip down a door or two so we could catch old Mike in action. She said she would like to see that movie but she didn’t want to have to leave me chained by myself in a chair watching Katy Perry while she had all the fun.
We went and bought groceries. Aunt Kay said she hurt her back putting the bottled water in the trunk. Uncle Ben said “why didn’t you let old slim here help you?” He meant me. Aunt Kay said “as soon as I got the car started, she sat down in cool air. She can’t stand to grocery shop.” Uncle Ben said “you don’t help your Momma with the groceries?” I said “I don’t go to the grocery store with my Mother.” Uncle Ben said “what in the world are you going to do when you’re out on your own?” I said “my husband is going to buy my groceries and carry them for me.” Uncle Ben got choked on a chicken leg and when we managed to get the purple out of his face he gasped “I always knew you were going to be the perfect Lady Bulldog!
We are revisiting past projects. Uncle Ben likes saving soap and boiling it in huge pots and then pouring it into molds shaped like gerbils. We did soap a few years ago so we are looking for another project. He said he used to scrape the Mennen’s Speed Stick remnants from the plastic containers, melt them down and pour them back into the containers. He said he always thought it worked great for him until one night he and Aunt Kay went to a nice party and he was left standing alone on the dance floor when everyone there cleared the room. Even the band left but not before the drummer tried to beat him to death with a tambourine.
The Kensley Report II – To Kim Cooper Brooks from Ken Ken – Sorry about yesterday’s report. We got busy plotting the expected success of the jewry manufacturing business. I had Uncle Ben helping me with a special spring hook that goes on earrings when he sneezed and clapped his hand over his mouth.The ring got hooked in his nose. I wanted to take him to the emergency room but Aunt Kay said to just leave the ring in his nose.
We went next door to the Harvey’s house to celebrate the sell of the house. Mrs. Harvey had pigs-in-a-blanket. I ate 14 of them. I just ate the bread. Uncle Ben ate the little pieces of sausage. He wanted me to eat 10 or 12 more so he could have enough sausage to make a hot dog. Mrs. Harvey gave us funny looks. Aunt Kay made us get up and go home. They live right next door so Uncle Ben thought it would be okay if I drove them over. Aunt Kay’s car was still smoking this morning. I don’t think the pine tree is going to make it. Those air bags really do a good job. I didn’t lose a single tooth.
My site on “Etsy” is named “KreationsbyKenKen. When we named it the stupid thing wouldn’t let us put spaces between the words. Production of the jewry went well but Uncle Ben had a tough time taking pictures of it. First with his iphone and then my phone and then Aunt Kay’s ipad and finally with Aunt Kay’s camera. Then he had a horrible time getting the pictures to look good and getting them on the website. He said it would be easier if he weren’t so computer crazed. He also said a lot of other things I couldn’t understand. I asked Aunt Kay and she said not to worry because Uncle Ben speaks a strange language and often curses in more than one tongue. I wanted to ask you what “jammersluck” means. Anyhow that’s what it sounded like when he got the ring stuck in his nose and later when he was stomping that camera into little pieces.
The Kensley Report 2012-I – Came into Statesboro Thursday July 5. Cason wanted to ride shotgun but we put him in the back seat and duct taped the little movie screen to his big head. Aunt Kay had ribs and potatoes and peas and rolls and corn on the cob and a birthday cake. I ate three pounds of cherry tomatoes. Uncle Ben only has four tomato plants this year but he says Wal-Mart has stacks of tomatoes on shelves and in coolers in town and not to worry about a tomato shortage. He also has a map to Strickland Farms where we can haul 55 gallon drums and pick our own tomatoes. Tomorrow we are going to a computer store where we can get a calculator with more than twelve digits so we can calculate how many drums of tomatoes we will need for my two week visit.
Things were pretty quiet last night (that’s not really true because Cason was here). Uncle Ben does not call him Cason. He calls him “Rambling Red Roberts. He says the rambling does not mean Cason wanders about. It means Cason’s mouth has been clocked at 83 miles per hour on a zig-zag course. Uncle Ben says Cason can ask you six questions, answer two of them himself, forget three of them and tell you he really didn’t want to know the answer to the last one, all in the space of 49 seconds. He said Cason could stay here too and we would let him swim in the little pond out back every morning but Cason backed out when he learned he was going to have to get out of a burlap bag I put him in before we threw him in.
Tomorrow we crank up the “jewry” business again. I think we’re calling the new production company, Kreations by Ken Ken.