Coming Soon – Corpulent Colonies.


Fat Is No Longer funny.

Our Fat is getting to be serious business folks, not just in America but world-wide.

A news story from the end of July reports the sad case of Albert Buitenhuis who is a 50 year old South African man being kicked out of New Zealand because he is obese and the lard on his fat fanny puts him at risk of having cancer, hypertension, heart disease and diabetes.

Buitenhuis is not one of the lads pictured. He probably isn’t that fat. He is 5’8″ tall and weighs 286 pounds which puts his body mass index (BMI) at 40. For those of you who don’t know how to put a realistic number on all that fat you’re toting, a BMI of 40 is about 15 points higher than normal and I mean normal at its worst level. I’m 6’1″ and weigh 210 and I am in the mid-range between fat boy and obese man at 27.7. Normal is 18.9 to 24.9 It would be fantastic, health wise, to have a BMI of 20. Mr. Buitenhuis is already 10 points past obese on the charts and he’s only 50 years old.

Anyhow, Mr. Buitenhuis is facing deportation from New Zealand because health authorities there say his physical condition will eventually tax the country’s healthcare system and it will take big tax bucks to treat ensuing health horrors in the years to come.

So where does this leave us. We’re not just a an adult’s step away from being treated the same way right here in the country of our birth. We are actually only a baby step from big trouble at the table. Schools in 19 of our states are now conducting annual student weigh-ins and reports are sent to their homes to let the parents know if the child is considered fat or not.

Ever since the Great Obamacare Debacle began we have been worried about “Death Panels” made up of merciless, heartless, cold and cruel young medical providers denying us older folks treatment for any given number of reasons depending on who happens to be doling out our daily portion of scare tactics.

The Death Panels would probably come too late to snag me but I contend we don ‘t have to worry about Death Panels anyhow because we won’t be here long enough to be rejected for health treatment by arrogant young snips in white smocks.

Your more immediate worry is where do you want to go and where you happen to wind up once you get deported for being a porker. It will be called “Porker Deportation.” Porker Deportation will take place in the dead of the night for poor people. You will be far from the embarkations of the monied beautiful people in order to spare them the disgust of hearing your pathetic whining, grunting and oinking.

You will have to embark from old, previously abandoned docks in large port cities and you will board rusty, creaking, moldy hulks of World War Two supply ships to be held in dank holds of the ships until you reach a Corpulent Colony.

The Corpulent Colonies will be reminiscent of horror stories we read as kids about the leper colonies on bare and desolate islands and the French penal colony at Devil’s Island. You will get one chance and one chance only to lose that big gut and all those excess pounds. If you fail you can never come back. If you do manage to lose weight your fat loss redemption is good for one return trip home and you can stay only if you don’t backslide down that slippery lard slope.  If you regain the lost weight you have to appear before a Death Panel and they will take you out back and shoot you.

Of course that treatment is just for the poor. People with money can choose any island they like. They can go to Aruba, Bali, Bora Bora, or Jamaica or any place they desire. They will be given the opportunity to lose weight on three separate occasions and then, if they can’t keep the fat off,  they are fined half of everything they own and banished from the US for life.

This may sound like a the world’s sweetest  punishment but you must remember; you can only live on Mai Tais and Margaritas for so long. They are slower than the Death Panel but one day you will be discovered face down in your drink under a Tiki hut with a tiny, gaily colored parasol stuck up you right nostril.

P.S – Cigarette smokers who cannot be cured within a 24 hour period will be taken before the Death Panel and then taken out back and shot.








Biggest Loser? You! When You Race With Your Fat And It Gains On You!

When you get my age and you are still mostly male it doesn’t much matter anymore if you are pretty or not. However, if you have started giving a little thought to hanging around a few more years so you can watch the world go completely to hell then you might also think about all that excess fat meat you are hauling around. If you’re like me you are just a big taxicab for a bunch of free loading pounds that have been riding in the cheap seats. Unfortunately, we will ultimately pay the total fare for the free ride our big fannies have been getting.

We have been creeping along at an old snail’s pace but we’ve still managed to blow January totally off the 2013 calendar. Now it’s a big blank in my memory. I want to try to take a slower approach in February so I don’t get stressed mentally or physically. Katie Mae questions me in a calm, kindly, motherly voice, “If all your nerve endings are dead and you lost your mind in 1963, how can you be stressed anywhere?” A woman’s logic always baffles me.

Anyhow, I know I have to look pretty good, in a manner of speaking, when I wear my Valentine’s outfit and the third day after Valentine’s, she would like for me to look suitably alive for her birthday. I was thinking of, “Spiffy,” but I remembered last year when she and Paul took a look at me and said the word should be “Spoofy.”

Because stress makes you body slam people standing between you and the kitchen, (that’s where we keep our refrigerator) we are trying to stress…..less stress. We all know stress makes us pig out. If you perceive you are going through tough times or if you think hard times are just around the corner, your food choice is going to be high calorie. Women who binge-diet generally weigh 50 pounds more than women who diet consistently and peacefully.

So I’m going for the easy. I just read another weird diet about how you can make vegetables so attractive that you will want to smear them on your face instead of eating them. But seriously, this diet makes you work! I can’t believe a diet that makes you work is going to help the problem. By the time you peel and chop all those vegetables, you are going to be so hungry that you will eat everything stored in your vegetable bin. This diet had you preparing all kinds of veggies, as they call them, and then preparing this wonderful, delicate, lighter than air sauce to dip them in. Or you could have a spinach, celery or maybe Vidalia onion smoothie. That is work! You can’t lose weight working! You have to eat a lot in order to be fit and able enough to work that much in the kitchen! Kitchen work is hard work!!

My suggestion is to take it easy on your new diet. Don’t hurt yourself. The diet is really no good if you kill yourself working to maintain it.

Here are several hints and tips I recently picked up on dieting and weight loss. They were given to me and they are yours for the taking. Just don’t get stressed:

Do not try to lose weight by eating donut holes. Donut holes have no calories but eating your way through the donut to get to the hole can turn you into a vast waist land.

You can still count a banana split as a salad if you put a whole wheat crouton on the top and eat it all at one time while standing or while eating with someone you really like that is eating the same treat. You cannot have the cherry.

There is a new miracle spice that you can eat that will literally burn the calories away, or so at least one hundred spammers have told me through e-mails. Beware. This is a trick. We do not need anything else to eat. We are trying to lose weight. You cannot eat yourself slim. I suggest you try the, “Sighted Weight Loss Program.” Under this plan, you sit and stare at a picture of food that you really like. Start about 5:00 PM and continue to stare at it right through the 11:00 o’clock news. It works. Eventually you will pass out and when you wake, it will be time for breakfast.

Be sure you use a photograph. I tried it with a can of creamed corn and when I fell asleep the can almost broke the big toe on my right foot. It hurt for a good three minutes before I ate the corn to make my toe feel better.

My best plan yet is to find this gal I just read about who holds the world record for the largest hips. Her hips are eight feet in circumference. She is described as being, “Plus sized.” I don’t know where they got that description but calling eight foot hips, “Plus” defies all the math I was ever taught. That’s not addition, that’s multiplication. I am going to become her close friend. As long as I can be around her, I am going to look so slim and trim, I’ll never have to worry about another diet.

I may have to break down and exercise a little. A friend just sent this to me and I think there might be a smidgeon of truth somewhere in the good Doctor’s line. The doctor is speaking to his patient and asks him:

What fits your busy schedule best? Would you rather exercise one hour per day or be dead twenty four hours per day?