Yo footbone is connected to yo headbone.

cow who moos shoes

My filled prescription for corrective shoes from the old people’s shoe store.

foot bones

There’s more than foot bones here but the podiatrist’s model of just the foot bones looks a lot like this to me. I think I see a couple of shoulder blades in there.

They’ve been telling me for three or four years that I am pre-diabetic. I just read that the ‘pre’ designation doesn’t mean a whole lot and if you’re diabetic you are diabetic ‘period.’  You may not know about the pros or cons of the ‘pre’ disagreement but I’ll bet you have heard that ‘period’ quote a lot lately, ‘period.’

Anyhow I have used those little strips for testing my blood sugar for years and they tell me that I am on the better side of the borderline when it comes to being diabetic.

Recently I cut my toenails and I did not do a pretty job. One reason is I’m so blind that I can’t see my toes. I cut too close to the outer edge on each corner of the big toe nails. Apparently a small amount of blood collected there and turned black. My dried blood, even that under the skin, has always been a lovely shade of burgamint as my secretary used to call it.

Black blood made me uneasy, being ‘pre-diabetic’ and all. I thought I might have a touch of gangrene and when you get gangrene I don’t think you can have the ‘pre’-gangrenous type. When you get it people in white coats with sharp pruning knives want to relieve you of toes and other much needed appendages. I was also having sharp pains in the ball of my right foot and I was beginning to suspect they might just want to take the whole foot off and if this stuff has spread they also would get the left foot as a bonus cut.

Well the guy with the model-of-the-bones-of-the-foot took a look at my toes and he said, ‘That’s dried blood.’ Wow, the first bullet was dodged in a flash. Almost but not quite a flash. I thought this guy was eventually going to name all those foot bones so I yawned and feigned sleep and almost fell off the examining table.

He steadied me and said, ‘Now let’s take a look at that sore spot on the bottom of your foot.’ I was sure this was a big ball of gangrene waiting to attack my right leg up to the groin but I was still winning at dodging bullets. He grabs that model of all those loose bones and points to one of the metatarsals and says, ‘It is not a growth it’s this bone right here that is driving you nuts. It would be perfectly okay but you walk like a Turkish goatherd who has never been on flat land.

He told me I was slew-footed, pigeon-toed, knock-kneed and extremely ugly. I didn’t care. I was superb at dodging bullets and that’s all that really mattered at the moment.

So how does all this prove yo foot bone is connected to yo head bone? It’s easy.Every time I took a step on the ball of that right foot my head told me my foot hurt. Now don’t try to tell me different. If my theory is no good then you think about this; why do your eyes water and your nose starts running when you stub your toe on a door jamb. Now how could that not happen if yo foot bone and yo head bone were not directly connected?

How to ruin your feet.

How to ruin your feet. Do not wear this type of shoe if you normally wear a size 12 in a man’s shoe.

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How to embarrass your feet

How to embarrass your feet….and the rest of your body. Do not wear these ever… or the shorts….ever.


Fallin’ Out with the Gout

We’re talking about the feet because you have to start somewhere and our feet were our first means of motivation. Our feet put us out on the road right up to where we are now. We will eventually work our way up to the head. We’ll talk about it later because the head won’t be as interesting since most geezers have empty heads.

Gout – There are no known atheists who have suffered the gout. Gout will make true believers of the world’s worst heathens. Deep in your body there is a demon who waits patiently until, one evening, you come home, you have a shooter or two before dinner and then you pig out on a delicious sirloin steak and wash down all that red meat with good wine or a beer or two and later, just when you get settled into that peaceful, restful sleep you are so looking forward to, there comes a little twinge or twist in your big toe. You don’t know it yet but a demon has you by that toe and before the next two or three days pass the demon has performed a life changing, body and soul, conversion on you. Gout is so bad that it hurts me even to talk about it. After that first warning twinge, the demon leaps into bed with you, leans over your leg, and stabs you in that same big toe with an icepick. You cannot see him but you will never forget him. An icepick stabbed directly into the center of your big toe, right through the toenail, creates a horrible and indelible memory. You may forget birthdays, anniversaries and important business meetings but you will never forget the demon with the icepick. You will become a world class believer. You will call on the Lord for mercy with the biggest megaphones and bull horns money can buy. Your entire neighborhood will become your personal confessional booth and all your neighbors will hear how big a sinner you’ve been. You will even make up sins to confess.

To sum up the pain of gout, over the years, we have collected the following quotes from old friends:

Good Quote – “When you have gout, you don’t want the bed sheet to touch it.”

Better Quote – “When you have gout, you don’t want a breeze to blow on it.”

Best Quote – “When you have gout, you don’t even want a flashlight to shine on it.”

Gout can hit you in almost any joint. Elbows and knees are especially painful. Some places on the foot are not as painful as others but if the Toe-Demon gets his hands on you and you don’t choose to kill yourself, you will rank right up there on the tough guy scale with hockey goalies. If you have never had an attack of the gout, don’t go looking for it. Watch your diet closely and know what causes uric acid to collect in all that fat and lard you have accumulated the past few years. Do your homework. Eat and drink the right things. There’s a lot of good info out there about the gout, what causes it, how to prevent it and what meds you need to get from your doctor if you are attacked by it. Do not invite the gout to come and live with you!