Gwyneth Paltrow and Singing To Your H2O.

Gwen 2GwynethThey are giving poor Gwyneth Paltrow a hard time once again.

She insists on talking to reporters who talk to other reporters and then the other reporters misconstrue all those frank and honest statements she seems to so stupidly make at the drop of a hat. Never mind that she told a Spanish reporter back in 2006 that the English were smarter than Americans. She later said that she was speaking Spanish when she made this statement to the press and perhaps she misspoke because Spanish was not a language she could speak well (or understand well, I might add).

Lately she has “consciously uncoupled” from her husband. You have got to admire the phrasing she uses here. I can see an All-American girl telling her man she was going to “consciously uncouple’ from him. He would roll over and go back to sleep and in the real world it would not be a peaceful sleep for him. He would be out for hours; knocked unconscious as she “consciously uncoupled” him with a ten-inch cast-iron frying pan.

Gwyneth carefully considered her words when she next babbled that being criticized on social media was “just like war.” What war? It must have been a domestic war brought on by “unconsciously/consciously-uncoupling (with a ten-inch cast-iron frying pan). What war has Gwyneth Paltrow ever seen? No question that statement pissed off millions of people around the world who have really been in a war.

I was going to try to take up for her but I am not a fatalist. Besides she can afford to buy Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Susan Rice, and Joe Biden plus another burlap sack full of idiots just like them to pitch the good press for her. They can put a Half-Nelson twist on the truth that will make even Gwyneth Paltrow look smart. She doesn’t need me to lie for her.

I was going to plead ignorance on her behalf because it’s obvious she knows absolutely nothing. She has been writing and singing and acting since the late nineties. Her plate has been overflowing (I was going to argue). The only problem is, she did not have to think one single time to accomplish these wondrous achievements. She wrote cook books. That’s right, cookbooks. Any unaccomplished fool can scramble around and throw a few recipes between two covers and come up with a cookbook. Hers were probably ghostwritten.

And singing is making music with your voice to a tune and words somebody else wrote. You do not have to be very bright to be a good singer. Acting is even more of a play on words that someone else wrote for you to voice.

So now she directs our attention once again to the world of the conscious and the energy of consciousness. Gwyneth has a website named “GOOP.” Now I don’t know what Gwyneth thinks “GOOP” stands for but I know goop is a sticky greasy substance you can get on the bottom of your shoe.

She is quoted on her aptly named website as saying, “I am fascinated by the growing science behind the energy of consciousness and its effects on matter. I have long had Dr. Emoto’s coffee table book on how negativity changes the structure of water, how the molecules behave differently depending on the words or music being expressed around it.”

Now she does not explain who Dr. Emoto is exactly and I don’t give enough of a damn to try to find out. I can only guess he was another mindless fool cast in an old James Bond movie to flesh out the character of Odd Job.

She has a scientist friend, Dr. Habib Sadeghi, who described Dr. Emoto pouring pure water into vials labelled with negative phrases like, “I hate you” or “Fear.” After 24 hours the water was frozen but it did not crystallize. The ice was misshapen and gray.

In contrast the good doctor Emoto then took vials of water labelled, “I love you” or “Peace” and froze it. The ice from this experiment was composed of gleaming, perfectly hexagonal crystals.

Poor Gwyneth. She is as childlike and empty-headed as she was at birth. Now she is advised by people who claim you can sing and speak pleasantly to your water and when you freeze it your ice will be prettier.

It has never occurred to her that it doesn’t matter if the ice is gray and misshapen or in gleaming, perfectly hexagonal crystals. The ice only needs to cool your beverage. I guess she has never thought that deeply about the purpose of ice.

I feel so lost and left out of her world. My water freezes inside the refrigerator/freezer. I will never know if it is happy or otherwise. I never get a chance to see it, speak to it or sing to it.

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