Try a Tomato Royale or a Bull Run for Halloween.

Great-Bull-Run5Since it’s pretty obvious that most folks do not follow the news anymore and a heap of folks cannot even read, I find I am duty bound to tell you there are actually people in Georgia who will pay cash to be chased by 1,200 pound bulls through a confined space for a quarter of a mile. This is done for a thrill.

I thought Halloween was going to bring on more thrills than most people could bargain for with all those corn mazes and haunted houses springing up like weeds throughout the state but I was wrong. Corn mazes and haunted houses are old hat and apparently not so thrilling anymore.

You would think that most people clearly understand Spain is a relatively small country and hundreds of years of inbreeding has led many of the Spanish people down the path to the sheer idiocy of allowing monstrous sized cows with large hooves and long sharp horns to pursue them through narrow streets until they reach a big circular enclosure they pour out into and thus are saved by additional space where they can run and hide. This is the bull fighting arena and here they later have the opportunity to get the bulls back by killing them and cutting off their ears and tails to prove they won.

But no, we have our own brand of not so smart people right here in Georgia and I certainly hope they all are concentrated around Conyers where the event was held. I also hope they don’t venture towards Athens where I live because I hate the thought I might be walking the same street as some of these nuts at the same time of day. I think it is too late to engage in buttock-destroying behavior such as this except for maybe one more event to be held in Texas this year, thank God.

The Georgia event is over. Only one person was stomped pretty good and I wonder if he is now thinking that he pretty well deserved to be trampled by a big bull. You reckon how many people don’t have a clear idea of the speed a large animal can attain when it has four legs as opposed to two and those four legs have bigger stronger muscles? And, to top the insanity off in proper butt-stomping fashion, there were 24 bulls, not just one or two or ten. There were two dozen of them.

You have to pay $40 to $75 to enter depending on how soon you decide you want to buy a ticket to get slaughtered by an animal we usually slaughter for our supper. For your money, you get free parking and a t-shirt and a bandana and a free beer if you’re over 21. That’s right, there are people over 21 engaging in this less-than-smart suicidal activity.

My suggestion is for your entry fee you get large bandages packed in big department store bags. You get a smaller envelop with phone numbers of EMT and ambulance services and doctors who might accidentally be sympathetic enough to want to patch up all those additional holes left in you by the bull. And remember, the bull isn’t even angry with you. You just happened of your own silly accord to get in his way.

Be sure you do not call a doctor with a Spanish name. Remember he or she probably left Spain to come here.

If you are less engrossed with harming yourself but you still have a masochistic streak and you want someone else to do it for you, you can sign up for the Tomato Royale. The Tomato Royale is simply and old fashioned food fight with tomatoes.

There are a few rules to this food fight that are meant to protect you but don’t count on people throwing tomatoes at you to have your well-being and safety and best interests in mind. You have to wear goggles and you must not aim for the head (Ha Ha). You have got to be over 14 and you cannot have a free beer unless you are at least 21.

This too, is all meant in the spirit of good clean fun. I gave up food fights with tomatoes in a Doerun, Georgia tomato patch in 1953. It was at exactly the same time my older brother began using green tomatoes.

He also quit at that time. He quit moments after I chose to use fist-sized field stones.

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The Pumpkin Princess Exhibition – Katie Mae Shows Off Her Pumpkins.

Crystal Pumpkins

The crystal pumpkins include salt and pepper shakers.

I’m telling you “it’s a coming” as the old boys say down in South Georgia. What “Its’a ” happens to be is Halloween and don’t think because I’m older than 70 I’m not well aware when a day of celebration is near.

To keep me posted and well informed and when holidays, jubilees and other celebratory events approach, Katie Mae will drag out many ceramic, glass, paper and mud images to conjure up sentiments centered on that particular season and that particular reason to display weird objects and strange talismans, charms and mojos.

Now I think pumpkins are fine and many of them look great so I have no inhibitions about showing you the pumpkins Katie Mae subjects me to viewing every fall. I can show you many of her personal favorites without casting aspersions on my own desire to have as little clutter as possible. I really don’t care how much junk you want to show off to your guests but I am fairly large and I need a little bit of room on tables beside my reading chair and I need a large amount of room in those spots where I try to walk. My graceless method of moving around on numb number twelve feet does not allow for narrow pathways.

So here they are: Favorites of the Pumpkin Princess.

The Basket Pumpkin is woven from thick hemp-like cord. I don’t think it’s the kind you smoke.

Fire Place Pumpkins

The fire place pumpkins are strange but I have never seen them move around on their own so I guess they’re okay. One is made from a material like palm fronds or split corn husks and the other is a resin like material.

Glass Pumpkin and Wine

The glass pumpkin is black with gold sparkles in it. I guess that’s what you call them. That’s what I call them. Katie Mae thinks the pumpkin is unhappy and in a dark mood so she tried to cheer it up by placing it near the wine and the Halloween napkin with the cute little saying printed on it.



Porch Pumpkins #1

The porch pumpkins guard the entrance and make me feel safer in this troubled old world. Intruders should have second thoughts after seeing the pumpkins are wearing gangster hats and the old patriarch apparently has on a top hat. The grins are disarming and will lure wrongdoers into a false sense of security right before the pounce of the protective pumpkins.

Kitchen Bar Pumpkin

The kitchen bar pumpkin is made from a Styrofoam like material and is brassy, flashy and showy. She speaks to me often but I’m afraid to answer her. She seems way too fast for me.

Porch Pumpkins #3

Another picture of the Protective Porch Pumpkins. A good picture of our security forces and irrefutable proof that I do not bend over to rake leaves from under the edges of that porch. There is much for which I do not bend. I fall over but I do not bend.

Salt and Pepper Pumpkins

Spices for the Harvest, Pumpkins. The salt and pepper shaker pumpkins are arrogant and conceited because they get to sit at the table with us. They do not know they are pumpkins.

Tea Cart Pumpkins

The tea cart pumpkins are old fashioned, matronly, (except for the baby) and carry them themselves with a certain degree of sophistication. I shouldn’t say “carry themselves” because I am the only one who keeps carrying them; upstairs and downstairs and upstairs and downstairs. I think they are ceramic.

Order From Amazon.comThis is not a pumpkin. this is the cover of my book. If you click on the cover you will get to check out the book on Amazon. com. It is a Delightful little book. I say “Delightful” because I read the word “Delightful is a powerful trigger word that will make you want to buy multiple copies of the book. Read it. I can hear you saying, “What a Delightful little book. I’ll buy 16 copies for neighbors and pals and one for Uncle Bobo.”

It is relatively inexpensive and it will make a wonderful Christmas gift for Boomers and Geezers, Guys or Gals!

Wrought Iron PumpkinThis the last pumpkin. I call him the wrought iron pumpkin. He does have a slight bit of sophistication. Very slight. He is oddly aesthetic. That means, if you think he is aesthetic, I think you are odd. He has been around here for years. I have never known him to have a job.. He is totally useless other than for displaying aestheticism. He is no good for carrying water or Halloween candy.

The Halloween Corn Maze Craze.




It’s good to be an old geezer because you can always plead ignorance about new things that people are doing and gabbing about and it’s so easy to plead ignorance if you are ignorant.

It’s, however, hard to ignore that in this beautiful month of October, All Hallows’ Eve looms frightfully close and as the big evening draws near people are actually shelling out money for pumpkin shells and even worse they are offering up good cash to go get lost in a cornfield.

I can’t imagine getting lost in a maze in a cornfield could be much fun unless you are pretty young and your brain is still not fully developed. I imagine that would have been much more fun in the dark when we were kids with those old weak flashlights we were subjected to using years ago. It was like walking around outside with a small candle in a big wind. Nowadays, if you get to walk in a dark cornfield maze with a pretty girl it can’t be anything but fun. I haven’t gotten that stupid yet.

There are several cornfield maze enterprises around Athens and for ten to twelve bucks, you can get lost in a five to ten acre field that has been cut and mowed in such a manner as to totally confuse people like me. I wonder how many people the maze operators have to go in and rescue every day.

Katie Mae won’t let me try to venture into a corn maze because she says my ten bucks won’t go far after they charge me for going in and finding me five or six times.

This is serious business. One fellow here draws out his own maze and he says it’s designed to be family friendly. He is even quoted as saying, “The maze lasts about 30 to 45 minutes to get through. We don’t want parents to be in there too long with their kids.” That is especially nice of him to be so considerate of the poor little children who might tire and become frightened but I suspect he just doesn’t want to explain to the police why so many irritable parents have been accused of attacking their children on his property.

There are also the big operators who bring in folks who use GPS tracking systems to map out a maze. Some of those people charge $10,000.00 or more to design a maze this way.

Go out and try it. You may love it. You might want to put one in your back yard. Start out small at first. If you are pretty old be sure you leave escape doors so you can reach water and a bathroom in a hurry. That’s a pretty good idea. Design one for old folks. You need one you can conquer in less than three minutes. Anything longer than that and you’ll perish from thirst or wet your pants and the neighbors will be complaining about all those colorful words the kids have been hearing coming from your backyard.

Did I say $10,000.00? My gosh, there must be a heap of money to be made in losing folks in a corn field. When I was a kid growing up in the country we did it for free. We lost my cousin Angus Albritton in a corn field in 1957 and he has never been seen since. It seems to have worked out all right though. Nobody ever asked about him.

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Let’s Make an Elvis Pumpkin

2007 Elvis (F)2

Can you believe it? This is a carved Elvis pumpkin. Still #1 after all these years.

You know it’s coming. Get ready. Halloween will soon be here and once again I get to show my pumpkin carving prowess. I used to use a WWI vintage bayonet but I later switched to a run of the mill sugar cane cutting machete. Katie Mae drew a red line across my bare feet when I dragged out a Japanese Katana sword. The place I was using to carve our pumpkins was almost knee deep in mostly unidentified chunks of confetti like pumpkin. I graciously agreed with her after I caught her testing the blade of the sword with her thumb.

I like to pride myself on knowing at least a little bit about what goes on around me. Now I see that you artistic folk have stencils and pumpkin carving patterns galore and Katie Mae tells me that these have been available to us for years. I guess I was always so busy with my machete and my Katana that I was unaware the rest of you had left me standing all alone knee deep in mushy destroyed pumpkins.

But I just saw a pumpkin that looked like “The King” and I was transfixed. Elvis has never looked better, at least on a pumpkin he hasn’t. I decided I would carve an Elvis pumpkin. I was going to find one of those stencils and get to work on that fine looking head. All the old gals in my neighborhood will be standing on my front porch every evening eagerly awaiting the lighting of the candle in the Elvis pumpkin.

You must remember that 57 years ago we were all glued to those small black and white television screens on September 8, 1956 when Elvis appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show. You see news today about “Duck Dynasty” attracting almost twelve million viewers. Given that today there are many more venues for movies, television shows and computer games attracting viewers, I still think the number of Elvis Presley viewers watching The Ed Sullivan Show that night would even today eclipse the combined total of all the shows we have available to us.

He had 54,000,000 viewers. He was 21 years old. The $50,000.00 he was paid was an all time high for a television performance at that time. And the best part of it all, he sang, “Ready Teddy” and “Don’t be Cruel.”

Then I had the worst of thoughts. I am an old dude. I shake like a person who has Parkinson’s disease. I have to be really careful with fine motor skills because the delicate movement of my soup filled spoon from my bowl to my mouth can suddenly become a wild slinging jerk that leaves me covered in soup and still hungry.

If I buy an Elvis pumpkin stencil and a fine big fat pumpkin, the only thing I’m going to wind up with after I get through wobbling, jiggling and joggling is a bowl full of julienned pumpkin resembling long thin carrot strips.

So here I am 57 years later in my twitching spastic condition and it appears I am the one who is, “All Shook Up” so I have decided not to do harm to the precious image and memory of our King.

I have not totally given up. I’m still going to get two carved pumpkins. There are a couple of girls who work in a flower and gift shop down the street who are going to carve two pumpkins for us.

I am getting Daffy Duck for Katie Mae and Marilyn Monroe for me.

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