Girls! Girls! Girls! Weird Health Tips For Women.

As a continuing service to maintain a healthy female population in the United States I have diligently ferreted out these mid-sized morsels of clues and tips to let you gals know how you are faring as you age. Naturally I only do this out of love for all of you because I want you to know how much I appreciate you loving, nourishing and caring for so many of us sorry no-good males for what must seem like endless years of turmoil and struggle.

tallest womentall womenThese are weird health clues so I will only mention about half of them so as not to confuse, scare or anger you too much at one time. I will follow up with a few more tips in a few more days.

Height – If you are over 5’2″ tall you may have missed out on a gene mutation that aids women in reaching one hundred years of age. They say it may help to quit smoking and cut back on your intake of alcohol and meat. They failed to mention that you might kick that guy out of the house if he is causing too much stress in your life. The idiot that wrote this article did not recognize the fact that most girls are grown up as much as they are going to grow up by their late teens nor did they mention a method to help young girls stop growing.

Finger Length – If your index finger is shorter than your ring finger you may be twice as prone to osteoarthritis in your knees. This is predominately a characteristic of some males and it may indicate you also have a lower level of estrogen. No mention was made of how you could get that ring finger shorter than your index finger. Maybe you could file the nail on the ring finger more vigorously. It also did not mention the length of the ring finger’s twin on the right hand. It did say you can exercise your knees. WOW! What an article. It could have at least brought you some joy by reminding you that your low estrogen level may make you fully capable of kicking the fanny of the guy causing you all that stress.

gals handsLeg Length – If you have stocky legs you need to pay attention to the health of your liver. Women with legs between 20 and 29 inches long tend to have higher levels of four enzymes that are liver disease indicators. Watch your alcohol intake and use a mask and gloves when using harsh chemical cleaners. We want to be sure you are a long liver. I just had to say that. You don’t want Mr. Stressful out living you.many hands

Arm Length – Women with the shortest arm spans are one and a-half times more likely to develop Alzheimer’s. Arm spans (measure outspread arms, from fingertip to fingertip) of 60 inches or less is a good indicator. Keep your mind active. Challenge your brain. Show Mr. Stress Maker you can out-argue him. Short arm span isn’t all bad. A woman with Alzheimer’s and long arms who reaches for something in a high cabinet will forget what she’s reaching for before her hand gets to it. If you have a shorter arm you won’t have that problem.

Sense of Smell – If you are getting older and you no longer can identify the scent of bananas, lemons, cinnamon or other notable odoriferous items you may be five times more likely to develop Parkinson’s disease within four years. They say the olfactory function of the brain may be the first one impacted by Parkinson’s – between two and seven years prior to diagnosis. Use that old boy who stresses you out as a gauge. We know he’s retired now and he’s taking a bath about once a week or less. Don’t fuss at him. If you suddenly stop smelling him you might learn you’re on the road to Parkinson’s. Take fish oil supplements. It’s supposed to help. Not help your man’s odor but the encroachment of Parkinson’s.

I think it’s wise to follow little hints and clues like this just to keep up with the ongoing health problems that we are all facing. I just wouldn’t worry too much about one silly article in some magazine. These articles are written by professional writers in their twenties. They don’t know a thing about your health or your body. They read all this stuff in some obtuse report just like you and I did.

Besides how can some dunce tell you that you are five times more likely to get Parkinson’s or the indicators can reveal the disease between two and seven years before the actual diagnosis? It may be twelve times or two times or no times. It may be one year or thirteen years or no years.

And that’s what obtuse means ladies…..stupid or unintelligent.

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Dream a Little Dream of Me.

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You can dream you are on the beach.

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You can dream you are playing golf at the beach.

There are some strange guys out there working on a headband that will allow you to control your dreams. They have already raised almost $200,000 on Kickstarter.

This magical headband is supposed to measure your brain waves and eye movements to catch you when you enter the rapid eye movement (REM) stage of sleep.

That’s when you generate all those marvelous dreams you have now. Then the amazing headband will emit lights that are not supposed to wake you but they will make you aware you are dreaming. You then can control your dreams by going into a lucid dream state. They didn’t say exactly how you make that part work.

I did not make any of this up out of whole cloth or even tattered old tee shirts. I read it. I do not believe it but who knows?

Dr. Rachel Salas who is the assistant medical director at Johns Hopkins Center for Sleep does not believe it either. She says all the quack devices that are now on the market cannot detect the various stages of sleep. She is a board-certified neurologist and she has to use several different devices in order to measure all your different stages of sleep.

Mountain

You can dream of climbing mountains.

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Dream of playing golf at St. Andrews Old course.

She believes the Aurora Sleep Band may actually create insomnia because we are already exposed to so many light sources every day. Increasing light may create sleep disorders.

The Aurora headband co-founder Daniel Schoonover actually believes lucid dreaming will relieve stress and if you dream of practicing your piano lessons while lucid dreaming it will increase your ability to play the piano in real life. Mr. Schoonover apparently does not understand that normal sleep and dreaming are already  parts of real life.

So dream your life away. Dream of all the things you always wanted to do. I feel absolutely sure that all these wonderful things you always dreamed of are almost in your grasp. Mr Schoonover just needs a few more hundreds of thousands dollars to make your dreams come true.

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Dream of skydiving in a coat and tie.

And if you’re a woman of the world, who wants to see everything in the world, maybe one day you can reach that marvelous dream state that allows you to effortlessly encircle the globe in a single day while watching the sun rise in a hundred exotic lands as you slowly emerge from breath-taking starry evenings you leave behind you.

And if you are just a good old boy who wants to dream of being surrounded by a bevy of beautiful women who wait on you hand and foot you might as well forget about it.

I can tell you all that time passes quickly and your best bet is to dream of getting a good night’s rest without being aroused from a sound sleep just to stumble into the bathroom because your bladder doesn’t care if you’re lucid dreaming or not. Your bladder does not have the same dreams you have.

Opt for restful, blissful sleep. Besides your heart might not be able to take the strain of too much lucid dreaming. You know lots of folks go to sleep and never wake up. Who knows what scared them to death while they were asleep?

Stay away from lucid-dreaming Aurora headbands. Lucid dreaming is not for weak hearts…… or weak bladders.

 

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Uncle Ben’s, Athens Dubious Health Aids Memo #1 – A Hairy Situation.

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Sharing health tips with old friends is fun. Some of my old friends no longer have that golden opportunity to continue aging but there are a few still stumbling around in geriatric fogs who might be able to avail themselves of this priceless, (or practically useless) information.

My latest health information came from reading an article I found in the neighbor’s trash can. She has a large parrot named Alfie and I can hear Alfie calling my name all hours of the night because Alfie hates me and he is a real pain in the ass most evenings.

Anyhow I have been studying the purest of Alfie’s castings (parrot gradoo) from the trashed newspapers Mrs. Fluxley uses on the bottom of Alfies cage. I am hoping to discover and prepare a diet for Alfie that will render him permanently speechless. Mrs. Fluxley is a sweet woman and does not realize that Alfie and I hate each other.

In perusing Alfie’s droppings from the newspaper that came from his cage I happened to notice an article on your health and your hair (and other health tidbits) I think you’ll appreciate. There were a number of health tips but I think I discovered one that is surely the holy grail of tips and it will help you in a myriad of ways.

The first tip I saw told me to beware of your hairline receding: Now this may seem the tip is just for women but don’t forget how many old dudes you see prancing around with a ponytail these days? Well, to tell the truth, they aren’t really prancing. That ponytail gives off a prancing effect because the guy who has it stuck on his head is old and feeble. His head is rocking up and down like a bobble doll head. He is so past his prime he can’t even hold his head up. If you were to lift his cap to look at the top of his head you’d have to have sunglasses to keep the glare from that chrome dome from blinding you. That’s right the ponytail man never has hair on the top of his head.

Anyhow the article says “If your hairline is receding you may be suffering female pattern hair loss (androgenetic alopecia). This can be serious in up to 40% of women but you also should never rule out “traction alopecia.” Traction alopecia occurs when you have your ponytail too tight which tears out your precious hairline by the roots.

Now this is where the holy grail of health tips hit me like a ton of bricks. After reading that one health tip about your hair and traction alopecia I have come to believe this disorder is responsible for many ailments we find occurring in and on our persons every day.

For example:

-The whites of your eyes are gray. Your ponytail is too tight. You’ve squeezed all the blood out of your head (and eyeballs).

– Losing sleep? Your ponytail is too tight. You can’t get the proper rest with that thing twisting around your neck like a hangman’s noose.

Craving salt? Your ponytail is too tight. You have wrung all the salt out of your head.

– Gums bleed? Your ponytail is too tight. Too tight ponytails can cause teeth to loosen and fall out at the most embarrassing times (like an important business luncheon).

– Black and swollen tongue? Your ponytail is too tight. This should be obvious to you. If you have lost the ability to speak because you’re tongue is too large call 911 and gurgle HELP!!

– Skin dry, itchy? Your ponytail is too tight. Brain signals to your skin cells are interrupted. The skin cells, feeling neglected, just dry up and fall off your body.

– Urine dark yellow? Your ponytail is too tight. You are forgetting to drink water. Also, once again you have restricted your blood flow. Your urethra is being strangled.

– Arches too high? Your ponytail is too tight. It is so tight you have snatched your arches up to your knees and if you are a woman you probably have pulled your bosoms up next to your ears.

So there you have it and I think I have just touched on a few of the ailments you can suffer from having your ponytail too tight. Who would have thought it? If it had not been for my strong dislike of Alfie the parrot we might have never discovered many of our current day health problems.

You owe me nothing. I cannot charge for my advice because my ex-wife used my medical diploma to cover the bottom of a parrot cage. If you feel inclined to make a small donation please send it to “Pony Rides for Old People.” Don’t worry they don’t really let old people ride ponies. The ponies are old too. They’re too old to stand. Old people just sit on the ponies’ bellies as the ponies sleep on their sides. The ponytails on these little horses are natural. They are not natural on people. Loosen the ties that bind you. Listen to your scalp go, ‘Ahhhhhhh.’

I’ll bet sitting on a sleeping pony’s belly is a lot more fun than reading articles from newspapers that have been used to line the floor of a parrot’s cage.

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Why do pictures of ponytails on gals look fetchingly lovely and seeing a ponytail on a guy makes you want to look or run the other way?

Ponytail man

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Coming Soon – Corpulent Colonies.

Funny-Fat-People-Funny-Fat-People-035-FunnyPica.com_

Fat Is No Longer funny.

Our Fat is getting to be serious business folks, not just in America but world-wide.

A news story from the end of July reports the sad case of Albert Buitenhuis who is a 50 year old South African man being kicked out of New Zealand because he is obese and the lard on his fat fanny puts him at risk of having cancer, hypertension, heart disease and diabetes.

Buitenhuis is not one of the lads pictured. He probably isn’t that fat. He is 5’8″ tall and weighs 286 pounds which puts his body mass index (BMI) at 40. For those of you who don’t know how to put a realistic number on all that fat you’re toting, a BMI of 40 is about 15 points higher than normal and I mean normal at its worst level. I’m 6’1″ and weigh 210 and I am in the mid-range between fat boy and obese man at 27.7. Normal is 18.9 to 24.9 It would be fantastic, health wise, to have a BMI of 20. Mr. Buitenhuis is already 10 points past obese on the charts and he’s only 50 years old.

Anyhow, Mr. Buitenhuis is facing deportation from New Zealand because health authorities there say his physical condition will eventually tax the country’s healthcare system and it will take big tax bucks to treat ensuing health horrors in the years to come.

So where does this leave us. We’re not just a an adult’s step away from being treated the same way right here in the country of our birth. We are actually only a baby step from big trouble at the table. Schools in 19 of our states are now conducting annual student weigh-ins and reports are sent to their homes to let the parents know if the child is considered fat or not.

Ever since the Great Obamacare Debacle began we have been worried about “Death Panels” made up of merciless, heartless, cold and cruel young medical providers denying us older folks treatment for any given number of reasons depending on who happens to be doling out our daily portion of scare tactics.

The Death Panels would probably come too late to snag me but I contend we don ‘t have to worry about Death Panels anyhow because we won’t be here long enough to be rejected for health treatment by arrogant young snips in white smocks.

Your more immediate worry is where do you want to go and where you happen to wind up once you get deported for being a porker. It will be called “Porker Deportation.” Porker Deportation will take place in the dead of the night for poor people. You will be far from the embarkations of the monied beautiful people in order to spare them the disgust of hearing your pathetic whining, grunting and oinking.

You will have to embark from old, previously abandoned docks in large port cities and you will board rusty, creaking, moldy hulks of World War Two supply ships to be held in dank holds of the ships until you reach a Corpulent Colony.

The Corpulent Colonies will be reminiscent of horror stories we read as kids about the leper colonies on bare and desolate islands and the French penal colony at Devil’s Island. You will get one chance and one chance only to lose that big gut and all those excess pounds. If you fail you can never come back. If you do manage to lose weight your fat loss redemption is good for one return trip home and you can stay only if you don’t backslide down that slippery lard slope.  If you regain the lost weight you have to appear before a Death Panel and they will take you out back and shoot you.

Of course that treatment is just for the poor. People with money can choose any island they like. They can go to Aruba, Bali, Bora Bora, or Jamaica or any place they desire. They will be given the opportunity to lose weight on three separate occasions and then, if they can’t keep the fat off,  they are fined half of everything they own and banished from the US for life.

This may sound like a the world’s sweetest  punishment but you must remember; you can only live on Mai Tais and Margaritas for so long. They are slower than the Death Panel but one day you will be discovered face down in your drink under a Tiki hut with a tiny, gaily colored parasol stuck up you right nostril.

P.S – Cigarette smokers who cannot be cured within a 24 hour period will be taken before the Death Panel and then taken out back and shot.

http://www.amazon.com/Boomers-Geezers-Almost-Survival-Guide/dp/1481259776/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1376763661&sr=1-1&keywords=Boomers+and+Geezers+%28Almost%29+Survival+Guide

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

About Boomers and Geezers and Survival

Book CoverBen Swilley

The picture on the left is the cover of a book I had published by an Amazon subsidiary called CreateSpace. The picture on the right is me laughing. I’m laughing because it seems to diminish my pain. It doesn’t always work but it’s the best natural painkiller I have found. You can find the book on Amazon.com. It’s fairly inexpensive and it’s fairly funny.

Boomers and Geezers (Almost) Survival Guide is an (almost) survival guide because surviving is not one of our old age options. I started writing these stories about how to overcome pain about a year ago. None of these remedies have worked for me. I didn’t expect them to work because I made up most of them. The few that were supposed to be “for real” didn’t work either. I got them from old friends who are not wrapped too tight so I didn’t expect much relief from them.

Laughter is the only thing I have found that makes me forget how much the pain of getting old makes you hurt.

Anyhow CreateSpace did a pretty good job putting this book together considering I am not, and have never been, wrapped any tighter than any of my old friends. Mental stability has never been my strong suit.

Go to Amazon.com and check out this book. They will have the Kindle edition out in three or four weeks. If you do read the book, say a special prayer for me. I need it. I believe in the exponential strength and power of prayers that come from many lips. I see folks on FaceBook who get a prayer chain going for them and the prayers seem to work really well if you have a lot of people thinking of you.

Read the book. Laugh. Listen to good music. Enjoy yourself as much as you possibly can. Write me. I’ll say an exponential prayer for you.

 

A Facebook Headache Remedy. Does It Work?

I rarely have headaches. I’ve had a few lately. Moving from South Georgia to Athens, Georgia has not been kind to my sinuses but I’m saved by Facebook. Everybody knows if it is on Facebook, it has got to be true and it has got to work.

That’s I why spend part of my precious mornings drinking a honey/cinnamon concoction that is supposed to cure everything from arthritis to cancer to sniffles. It tastes pretty good but it looks like the stuff in the tin can my Grandma used for spitting her snuff in after she got through dipping and savoring it for an hour or so. Sorry girls, but that’s exactly what it looks like.

Having said that you will know I am brave, fearless and pretty stupid about things I will do to stop the pain and I have absolutely got to tell you about the great Facebook migraine headache cure.

I’m sure Facebook is not to blame. Some good friend (and I emphasize good) posted this headache cure on Facebook. You mix your own, naturally, and there are some places here where a misstep is fairly easy. The ingredients are simple and few. You take a half pineapple, one stalk of celery, a half cucumber, one fourth lemon and three to four Kale leaves.

I think the misstep part might have something to do with the size of the kale leaves. Katie Mae cut this all up and put it in the blender for me. During moments like this, I often catch her giving me casually critical glances and I sometimes believe that I am the only person who thinks of those looks as being casual.

I don’t know anything about kale but I thought the leaves we used were too big. Thank the Lord we didn’t use leaves from one of the varieties that gets to be seven feet tall!

Anyhow, after she popped all that stuff in a blender and juiced it up I can tell you it was a frightful sight to behold. It looked exactly like that bright green algae slime at the edges of the old fish pond in late July. It was a beautiful emerald green but it made me think of the moss dripping from “The Creature From the Black Lagoon.”

I’m not sure Katie Mae tried it but I guess she forced down a tiny sip. I drank about three or four ounces. Man what a taste bud delight! If you can imagine taking a mixture of fully matured lawn grasses like Bermudagrass, Ryegrass and Tall Fescue and add a little Bahiagrass for purely forage purposes, I think you would just about have the same taste of the junk I choked down.

I didn’t let Katie Mae see my face turn the same color as the Great Migraine Smoothie. It nearly floored me. I almost lost it. I had a vision of making a break for  the bathroom so I could crawl to the commode, wrap my loving hands around it and call on Ralph and Hewitt to set me free.

Fortunately I regained control. I put a solid full twelve ounce glass of that fantastic creation in the refrigerator and later tried to convince Katie Mae that we could improve on the taste with a couple of ounces of Gray Goose vodka. I can’t tell all the things she said to me but I  do remember the subject was about not wasting liquor and something else about pouring that crap out before it killed us. I got the impression she was angry.

This was four or five days ago and I swear to you I have not had the first headache. I still have a sensation in the pit of my stomach that reminds me of several tiny Flamenco dancers doing one of those foot stomping routines but I’m sure I’ll be better by July the fourth.

I took Katie Mae’s advice and poured it out before it killed us. It looked like it could do us harm sitting right there in the refrigerator. Maybe this is the way “The Blob” was born. I had this great idea. I took it outside and poured a little bit on each of a half a dozen fire ant beds.

It worked! I checked on the fire ant beds about an hour later and I could tell something bad was going on for them. My eyesight is not that good so I got a magnifying glass and went back out and sure enough each bed had a long line of ants streaming away from home. The larger ants were carrying little tiny suitcases.

 

 

Beware of Brazilian Wax – Send it Back to Rio…..or Paris!

I started out with great intentions. I read an article on the dangers of Brazilian waxing and it seemed to me that ladies everywhere would appreciate knowing how costly this waxing could be if you are not careful. Apparently I completely misread and misunderstood the article. I am so embarrassed. But here is what I have learned after I read the idiotic article at least five times.

I thought this would be a great blog for girls. I thought girls were big on waxing and buffing hyper erotic (hypogastric) regions to signify the long awaited arrival of spring and the swim-suited summer. I was sooooo wrong!!

The article I just read clearly states that Brazilian waxing and other methods of removing that bothersome, curly, unwanted covering can increase the risks of physically active people contracting certain STD’s. The Sexually Transmitted Disease the article addressed, in particular, is named Molluscum contagiosum. This is a skin infection and it results in raised, pearl-like spots on the infected areas. From that description and from my vast knowledge of Latin I have determined that Molluscum contagiosum translates (roughly) into, “transmissible oysters (or maybe bivalves). That’s where the pearls come into the picture.

Anyhow I thought this was something that could be charitably shared with any number of  women who had not yet heard of this terrible malady. I was sooooo wrong! Most women I have mentioned this to seemed totally disinterested so I went back and checked the article a second time. After rereading the article I believe this warning should be directed to younger folks and only if they wax, clip or shave their body hair. Aberrations created in the skin like small nicks or cuts while engaging in hair removal can make it easier for a virus or skin infection to occur and especially if you are not carefully choosing the people you play with.

Obviously this article was for much younger people. My circle of friends and most the old gals and guys I am aware of do not indulge in wanton waxing, close shaves or indiscriminate clipping. In fact thoughts of sexual activity in people our age have been known to to cause the onset of myocardial infarction.

In fact, this article about Brazilian Waxing probably should not have appeared in North America at all!

Going through these crazy gyrations has taught me to actually look at words as I read. I believe I am now reading better. I realized this when it hit me that I understood nothing this sad story was trying to tell me until I had read it for the fourth time. If I had read it better, to begin with, I would have seen that there were only 30 patients in the stupid study. Of the thirty people: 70% shaved, 13 % clipped and 10 % waxed their unwanted hair. Ten of the 30 already had warts or a bacterial infection. This is the part that just kills me. Did I mention this just kills me. Well, this just kills me……..24 of the 30 patients were men. Can you imagine that???  And to add to the disgraceful ignominy of it all, this study was made in, of all disreputable countries, France.

Can’t you just see all those fancy-pants Frenchmen prancing around in their speedos once they have had troublesome hair zipped and ripped from their nether regions. Now we know why such a high percentage in the study shaved. Those little girly Frenchmen couldn’t take all the pain that comes with a real wax job!

Men who wear speedos should be subjected to corporal punishment and thrashed soundly with hickory or red oak limbs. They probably would be, but it’s likely they would enjoy it too much. No man sashaying around in a tiny slip of cloth like that should be viewed by the general public.

Certain athletes (swimmers, surfers, scuba divers, for example)  have to compete in such gear. We should give them a pass. It does get pretty hard to take when you see elephantine weight lifters and sumo wrestlers in tights and tiny wraps but we should also give them a pass because they are competing in their sport plus they are really big people and they can hurt you.

About the time, I thought I should finish this or throw it away somebody put a video clip on Facebook showing a bunch of people doing an aerobic workout by a pool. Everybody looked fairly fit with the exception of this big old lard-assed boy who thought he looked stupendous. You never saw such carrying on and strutting about.

His gut was so large if you could have hollowed him out and kept him walking, you could have sneaked four full cases of bottled beer into the ball game, iced down, in his torso. He could be a walking tailgate party all by himself. This boy had perfected super-gut and was tremendously proud of every pound. He knew he looked marvelous.

I didn’t tell the rest of the story.

Old pork barrel had on a SPEEDO. That’s right. Our man of the hour (and perhaps the whole day) had on a speedo. You could hardly see it because his belly had lapped it at least once. Fat overshadowed everything within fifteen feet of the boy.

It was a fitting end to a story about the dangers of Brazilian waxing, clipping and shaving. I imagined a horror scene in a movie with fifteen or twenty people working feverishly on Mr. Tubby trying to get all that horrible hair off his hide.

Since I have no earthly idea how to share this atrocious sight with you I can tell you where to find it. It can be seen as, “Sometimes you should dance like no one’s watching.” It’s on YouTube and Epic Videos. http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=17y-SgA1680

You can’t miss the guy. It is poolside by a beach. Lots of pool chairs are in the background and a young trainer is leading the workout. There are several pretty women participating who are demurely covered in swim suit coverups but our hero is letting it all hang out. He is the only one with a huge belly and whoever made the video kept the camera glued to him.

I’m sure they immediately recognized the humor value the scene provided and they certainly had the right idea. On a laughter scale of one to one hundred this video has gone over the top. The thing has gone viral. I saw one copy that had been viewed three million times and comments on the post looked to be in Russian.

Maybe one day we will find him beached by the sea. It is not uncommon for certain species of whales. He can be saved but we would have to capture him and ship him to France so they can wax his big ass.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Add Planking to Your Non-Exercise Workout.

I know you’re just like me and a couple of times each year you go and wipe the dust off the tread mill, the bicycle and any other machines of torture you have purchased over the years. We keep buying these incredible body building machines that we think will magically create our old shapes. You would think all those trips we made from the kitchen to the dinner table would let us subtract a few calories but I guess not. What’s really interesting is finding articles of clothing that used to fit our old shapes on the bottom of the stack. That would be the same stack of old garments you threw on the treadmill months ago. Although you never missed not exercising, the disappearance of those clothes that used to fit you has been a mystery.

Always looking for the easy way out, I picked up a pamphlet from Humana, Inc. which I’m sure you know is another vastly wealthy health care company. This booklet is called, “Humana Vitality.”  Naturally there are disclaimers in this booklet that read the same as a,  “Do not try this at home warning!” It says here the booklet is strictly “informational and should not be construed as medical advice.”

There is also not one word about the person who wrote these articles. I would like to speak to her/him at length. This was apparently written by a 35 year old nameless health nut who can actually touch their toes with their fingers without bending their knees, and since there is no way to communicate with them except through a website, I thought I would just tell you about my problems with this kind of health-nonsense-newsletter.

Some of these suggestions are good but we’ve been knowing for long years that kale, chicken soup and fish are great additions to our diet.

It gets a little hairy when the nonsense newsletter begins to suggest what you should do to get a good night’s sleep. There are six tips: We know exercise helps sleep. We never exercise but we know all about how it helps sleep. We know to turn down the heat (especially in the summer). Then it says, “Lower your stress level by writing down all your concerns and to-dos before sleep.” This shows the ignorance of a got-it-all-together 35 year old. Old people like me can’t write. It hurts my arthritic fingers and, besides, it takes me about an hour of lost sleep to find something to write with and something to write on.

“Cut the lights” is a super bad idea. How am I going to find my way to the bathroom at 1:00 AM and 2:30 AM and again at 4:00 AM? You can really hurt your foot when you jam it under a low slung love seat in the living room when you’re trying to find the bathroom. “Mute Your Environment.” Do they mean ear plugs? Hasn’t this fool heard about home invasions. I’ve got to stay alert and if I don’t “git further over” during the night when Katie Mae tells me to, I won’t have to worry about sleep. She’ll knock me out til noon. “Stop hitting the snooze.” This last glorious piece of wisdom does not apply to me. I haven’t used the alarm clock in three years.

Now on page seven they really get to the core of the message. They’re talking about crunches. The only crunches I like are those Crunchmaster Crackers from Sam’s. The writer then gets right on down to resistance-training exercises and I know those are not for me because I have tried resistance-training exercises with Katie Mae. When I try to get cozy with Katie Mae, my resistance-training is pathetic compared to hers. Not only do I completely miss the intended cozy moment, but resistance-training leaves big knots on my head. I must be allergic to it.

The 35 year old health scribe has finally gotten the best of me when he/she describes how you can use your body weight for exercises like push-ups, planks and lunges. This writer is undoubtedly slap-damned nuts. How many 70 year old people do you think are doing push-ups and lunges?

Now let me introduce you old boomers, boomerettes, geezers and geezerettes to that word, “PLANK.” I knew I had seen or heard that word or the term, “Planking” before. I thought it was a visual joke young people are performing today to amuse themselves because they obviously don’t have enough TV and video games to go around.

To plank you must be face down. You can be on the ground or aerial, whichever you choose to be depending on how far you think you can fall without seriously breaking your face and most other parts of your body. I saw a picture of three young guys face down, one atop the other on the top of a refrigerator. They were fully clothed so I suspect the act of planking itself was the only kinky part of the performance. I saw another young guy in front of a convenience store with his head (Face down, of course) on one gas pump and his feet on another gas pump with just a lot of air between the main part of his body and legs and the pavement. A third kid had his head face down on one hump of a kneeling camel and his feet perched on the hump of a second kneeling camel.

Now before you go completely whacko and run outside and try to plank on your neighbor’s kneeling camels remember one thing, planking can be extremely dangerous and it could cost you your job. I know it’s hard for you to believe that people who have real jobs actually plank.

A young Australian man was killed because he chose to plank on a seventh floor apartment house balcony rail and he slipped and fell to the ground. Another strange case of planking occurred in the UK in 2009. That’s right, old people. That’s how far behind we are because we just heard about planking and, yet, seven doctors and nurses were suspended from work at the Great Western Hospital in Swindon, England for planking while on duty. This happened in September 2009.

Some people refer to planking as “The lying down game.” I will leave it to your own discretionary imagination to decide if they were just playing a new- fangled version of, “Doctor and nurse” or………. were they actually planking.

To add insult to injury, for us old peoples, this nonsense newsletter has suggested we use our bodies to perform resistance-training exercises by planking. You can do the two point plank. You can do the elbow plank. You can do the elbow plank while face down on your exercise ball. You can do the up-down plank (I think we call this doing push-ups). The side plank leg lift looks interesting but my favorite is using the exercise to precariously balance on one foot and the opposite hand while performing the booty strengthening donkey kick.

Don’t you dare attempt any of these things. This is just something to consider before you take a long nap. Strenuous work-outs for people our age can really hurt you and if it turns out you are allergic to resistance-training exercise like I am, it can leave big knots on your head.

Throw all those clothes back over the treadmill. Go relax and give all this nonsense the kind of thought that will leave you so bored you’ll get a great night’s sleep. Dream about exercising. It can’t hurt you.

 

 

 

When Did Clementines become “Cuties”

I’m pretty upset with people who are constantly changing our words and adding new words and abbreviating the hell out of every good word we ever had. Nowadays it is not politically correct to cuss but don’t worry if you tend to become blasphemous. These so called wordsmiths will take a long line of beautifully strung together cuss words and change them into one long acronym that totally destroys the effectiveness of the curse you just used to mentally flog an imagined enemy.

It will come out like, “GYMDNFSGASESOSB,” and that wouldn’t scare a small child, much less a 93 year old grandmotherly antagonist. It really makes me so mad because this word changing foolishness can kill an old guy. It’s enormously dangerous to our health.

You will say that I am over reacting to something that isn’t a big problem but let me tell you how this stupidity can cost you your life.

Katie Mae gave me a short grocery list on Wednesday. Wednesday was the day the big storms wiped out parts of North Georgia. Luckily we are a little south of where all the bad weather was hammering towns like Blairsville but I left early for the store because of the impending bad weather and I was a little rushed to keep from getting caught by wind and rain if it came our way.

We had to have fruit. We have become convinced fruit will melt the excess lard from our less than svelte frames. We honestly believe some bright day we will once again be able to see our feet when we are standing.

So I took a quick trip down to Wal-Mart. Katie Mae had Cuties on her list of fruit. I did not know that Clementines were now called Cuties. We live in Athens so with Cuties at the top of my list it was fairly easy to pick up three UGA coeds. They were so cute. I thought it was too bad I couldn’t show them off in a red and black convertible. Katie Mae did not think they were cute. As protection I had kept the grocery list just in case there was a misunderstanding but it didn’t help at all.

I’m glad it was a short list because by the time I dug it out of my right nostril I had a terrible time getting those Cuties back to Wal-Mart. It was hard to see with so many tears in my eyes. I’d like to think I was sad and crying because I had to give up the girls. I suspect the real reason for the tears was severe spousal nostril abuse.

I cannot begin to tell you how cold, wet and windy it was trying to sleep on the deck Wednesday night during the storm. I was also harshly warned that getting that bed sheet dirty would mean real trouble.

I wonder if UGA has any free classes for old geezers who desperately need to learn new words and acronyms. I wonder if they know Clementines are called Cuties these days.