The Demise of Hog Heaven.

And now it’s all over for poor old pigs like us (because we’re too old to tango..very much) and for poor old pigs like boar hogs. The romantic allure of hog heaven is no more. No more romancing in the pig pen. The sty has gone dry….for handsome hogs.

Hogs in love

He loves her true but all is lost in this modern day of artificial insemination.

pigs

You hanging around here this evening , big mama?

Back when being a papa pig was hard work, and a lot of fun too,  there used to be wonderful chances for a poor pig to find love right in his own backyard….sty. Those days are gone. Nowadays over 90% of pig farmers inseminate their sows artificially. This is up from less than 5% in the 1980s. Now one boar can do what 20 boars did back then.

pretty pig

Midnight madness with a sweet sow is no longer the same sweetness.

more laughing hogs

And then Susie said to me, “Horace, you are the most delightful hog I have ever shambled and galumphed with in a mud wallow.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t you just hate it. This is probably a lot more than you ever wanted to know but a single boar ejaculation can impregnate a whole heap of sows and the precious little piglets will all be pretty much alike especially in shape and size. Grocers and restaurateurs like for their pork chops to be uniform. One bag of boar semen can be transported by express package handlers or even a pickup truck instead of having to move the boars around to the sows. That one bag of semen can service 300 sows when it used to take 20 boar hogs to handle the same job. That’s cold-hearted, really cold-hearted, but true.

looking for mama hogs

Boy I wish they would hurry. I can hardly wait to be artificially inseminated. Maybe that cute FedEx driver will bring the bag.

grinning pig

Farmer Jim may have screwed up my love life but he ain’t going to be eating many pork chops while I’ve got his teeth.

A downside to this whole pathetic story is about China almost destroying the Spanish swine producing industry by manufacturing shoddy boar hog semin bags. Chemicals in the semin bags diminished the fertility of the semin.

Now consumer pressure is forcing hog operations to put their pigs in larger, roomier shared pens so there is a little relief being created for the poor porkers but nothing, and I mean NOTHING, is ever going to replace the old hog heaven standards.

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Vic and Ben Get An Exciting New Job.

I'm All Yours, Baby!I have come to believe that my old friend Vic Miller and I are not getting enough in the way of physical exercise and our mental attitudes are those of a couple of zombies. Our present means of communication requires only muffled and mumbled curses we learned in our youth.

Salvation may be at hand. I just read an article that might serve to save us both.

There are some guys out in Louisiana who are hunting feral pigs and hogs with a drone. That’s right. These guys have a drone equipped with a thermal camera. They claim they have killed over 600 pigs in the last six months. Feral porkers tear up over one and a half billion dollars in crops, farmland and and wildlife habitat each year.There is a huge need to control the feral pig problem.

These guys in Louisiana seek out the hogs with a camera-carrying drone and once they have spotted the pigs they chase them down and shoot them. They say they get paid tips because The Federal Aviation Administration prohibits them from charging a fee since they are using an airplane. I know it’s hard to believe but the FAA also controls drones. Since they can’t charge for the use of the drone the hunters will usually kill hogs for the highest tipper.

Vic Miller loves to stake out a likely pig wallow in the woods and to lie in wait for Franky the Feral Pig. He then pops Franky with a good dose of lead, steel, brick, limb, rock or other lethal weapon he has hidden in his deep pockets.

This new venture I have mapped out for Vic and myself involves much the same scenario as the one used by our Louisiana cousins. We are a little short on cash right now but my plan does not require as much money as you would need if you bought a drone and an thermal-imaging camera. Those things could run the cost over $10,000.00.

My plan will only cost us $3.14. I have taken a page from the Obamacare workbook and I have carefully plotted our strategy. Just like Obamacare it took me almost 37 minutes to complete the basic design.

I have been watching numerous buzzards fly over our house in Athens and I have discovered a buzzard roost at our friend Rose Hancock Kemp’s house that is perfect for the plan. There are several buzzards there at Rose’s place that must have at least an eight foot wing span.

Vic has successfully kept his weight down over the years and I think we could duct tape Vic to the legs of one of these big buzzards and arm him with a high powered rifle. We have to train the buzzard to skim the woods and swamps at the desired height of 400 feet. When Vic spots the hog he could shoot him instantly. He could sight the hog and shoot him at virtually the same time. I don’t think the FAA controls the use of buzzards in hog hunting.

This is a fool proof plan. I feel sure it takes little effort to train a buzzard. We could strap a stick to his back with a pig’s foot hanging from the end of the stick right in front of the big bird’s greedy eyes. We have to also train him not to be gun shy. If the gunshot scares the buzzard and he throws up on Vic they say it takes forever to get that odor out of your pores.

The $3.14 cost is for a few bullets and cheese, crackers and sardines for Vic and the buzzard when out on a hunt.

I think my job is to be the brains of the outfit and I will send out ATV’s to drag the hogs back into our base.

I haven’t seen Vic in a few weeks so if any of you happen to run into him please feel free to mention my plan to him. I might rather get the feedback from one of you guys than directly from O.V. in person. He’s still talking in those muffled and mumbled curses.

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