About Boomers and Geezers and Survival

Book CoverBen Swilley

The picture on the left is the cover of a book I had published by an Amazon subsidiary called CreateSpace. The picture on the right is me laughing. I’m laughing because it seems to diminish my pain. It doesn’t always work but it’s the best natural painkiller I have found. You can find the book on Amazon.com. It’s fairly inexpensive and it’s fairly funny.

Boomers and Geezers (Almost) Survival Guide is an (almost) survival guide because surviving is not one of our old age options. I started writing these stories about how to overcome pain about a year ago. None of these remedies have worked for me. I didn’t expect them to work because I made up most of them. The few that were supposed to be “for real” didn’t work either. I got them from old friends who are not wrapped too tight so I didn’t expect much relief from them.

Laughter is the only thing I have found that makes me forget how much the pain of getting old makes you hurt.

Anyhow CreateSpace did a pretty good job putting this book together considering I am not, and have never been, wrapped any tighter than any of my old friends. Mental stability has never been my strong suit.

Go to Amazon.com and check out this book. They will have the Kindle edition out in three or four weeks. If you do read the book, say a special prayer for me. I need it. I believe in the exponential strength and power of prayers that come from many lips. I see folks on FaceBook who get a prayer chain going for them and the prayers seem to work really well if you have a lot of people thinking of you.

Read the book. Laugh. Listen to good music. Enjoy yourself as much as you possibly can. Write me. I’ll say an exponential prayer for you.


Beware of Brazilian Wax – Send it Back to Rio…..or Paris!

I started out with great intentions. I read an article on the dangers of Brazilian waxing and it seemed to me that ladies everywhere would appreciate knowing how costly this waxing could be if you are not careful. Apparently I completely misread and misunderstood the article. I am so embarrassed. But here is what I have learned after I read the idiotic article at least five times.

I thought this would be a great blog for girls. I thought girls were big on waxing and buffing hyper erotic (hypogastric) regions to signify the long awaited arrival of spring and the swim-suited summer. I was sooooo wrong!!

The article I just read clearly states that Brazilian waxing and other methods of removing that bothersome, curly, unwanted covering can increase the risks of physically active people contracting certain STD’s. The Sexually Transmitted Disease the article addressed, in particular, is named Molluscum contagiosum. This is a skin infection and it results in raised, pearl-like spots on the infected areas. From that description and from my vast knowledge of Latin I have determined that Molluscum contagiosum translates (roughly) into, “transmissible oysters (or maybe bivalves). That’s where the pearls come into the picture.

Anyhow I thought this was something that could be charitably shared with any number of  women who had not yet heard of this terrible malady. I was sooooo wrong! Most women I have mentioned this to seemed totally disinterested so I went back and checked the article a second time. After rereading the article I believe this warning should be directed to younger folks and only if they wax, clip or shave their body hair. Aberrations created in the skin like small nicks or cuts while engaging in hair removal can make it easier for a virus or skin infection to occur and especially if you are not carefully choosing the people you play with.

Obviously this article was for much younger people. My circle of friends and most the old gals and guys I am aware of do not indulge in wanton waxing, close shaves or indiscriminate clipping. In fact thoughts of sexual activity in people our age have been known to to cause the onset of myocardial infarction.

In fact, this article about Brazilian Waxing probably should not have appeared in North America at all!

Going through these crazy gyrations has taught me to actually look at words as I read. I believe I am now reading better. I realized this when it hit me that I understood nothing this sad story was trying to tell me until I had read it for the fourth time. If I had read it better, to begin with, I would have seen that there were only 30 patients in the stupid study. Of the thirty people: 70% shaved, 13 % clipped and 10 % waxed their unwanted hair. Ten of the 30 already had warts or a bacterial infection. This is the part that just kills me. Did I mention this just kills me. Well, this just kills me……..24 of the 30 patients were men. Can you imagine that???  And to add to the disgraceful ignominy of it all, this study was made in, of all disreputable countries, France.

Can’t you just see all those fancy-pants Frenchmen prancing around in their speedos once they have had troublesome hair zipped and ripped from their nether regions. Now we know why such a high percentage in the study shaved. Those little girly Frenchmen couldn’t take all the pain that comes with a real wax job!

Men who wear speedos should be subjected to corporal punishment and thrashed soundly with hickory or red oak limbs. They probably would be, but it’s likely they would enjoy it too much. No man sashaying around in a tiny slip of cloth like that should be viewed by the general public.

Certain athletes (swimmers, surfers, scuba divers, for example)  have to compete in such gear. We should give them a pass. It does get pretty hard to take when you see elephantine weight lifters and sumo wrestlers in tights and tiny wraps but we should also give them a pass because they are competing in their sport plus they are really big people and they can hurt you.

About the time, I thought I should finish this or throw it away somebody put a video clip on Facebook showing a bunch of people doing an aerobic workout by a pool. Everybody looked fairly fit with the exception of this big old lard-assed boy who thought he looked stupendous. You never saw such carrying on and strutting about.

His gut was so large if you could have hollowed him out and kept him walking, you could have sneaked four full cases of bottled beer into the ball game, iced down, in his torso. He could be a walking tailgate party all by himself. This boy had perfected super-gut and was tremendously proud of every pound. He knew he looked marvelous.

I didn’t tell the rest of the story.

Old pork barrel had on a SPEEDO. That’s right. Our man of the hour (and perhaps the whole day) had on a speedo. You could hardly see it because his belly had lapped it at least once. Fat overshadowed everything within fifteen feet of the boy.

It was a fitting end to a story about the dangers of Brazilian waxing, clipping and shaving. I imagined a horror scene in a movie with fifteen or twenty people working feverishly on Mr. Tubby trying to get all that horrible hair off his hide.

Since I have no earthly idea how to share this atrocious sight with you I can tell you where to find it. It can be seen as, “Sometimes you should dance like no one’s watching.” It’s on YouTube and Epic Videos. http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=17y-SgA1680

You can’t miss the guy. It is poolside by a beach. Lots of pool chairs are in the background and a young trainer is leading the workout. There are several pretty women participating who are demurely covered in swim suit coverups but our hero is letting it all hang out. He is the only one with a huge belly and whoever made the video kept the camera glued to him.

I’m sure they immediately recognized the humor value the scene provided and they certainly had the right idea. On a laughter scale of one to one hundred this video has gone over the top. The thing has gone viral. I saw one copy that had been viewed three million times and comments on the post looked to be in Russian.

Maybe one day we will find him beached by the sea. It is not uncommon for certain species of whales. He can be saved but we would have to capture him and ship him to France so they can wax his big ass.