The Kensley Report, 2013, Athens- Red and Black Soap

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Uncle Ben says this will be a hard work day because today we are going to make some special soap. We have made soap before but it was several years ago and it was in the shape of cute little spiral sea shells and he says it was all too girly because it smelled like the boudoir of a French woman of ill-repute.

I didn’t understand all that but he also said that the soap we made before was all green, blue and aqua girly soap and the soap we were going to make today would be loved by both men and women Bulldawg fans. We were going to make soap in UGA colors. We were going to make Red and Black soap.

He scared me at first because he began pulling all kinds of bags of soap making stuff out of drawers and cabinets in the carport and setting up a grill with gas rings for melting the soap. Then we went inside and he showed me where we really were going to work because we were doing it the easy way by using glycerin and we could melt the glycerin in the microwave. I thought that was great because the carport is not air conditioned.

Uncle Ben had shopped around and found a bunch of small soap molds in the shape of tiny women’s shoes, hand bags and flip flops. We put the glycerin in the microwave and melted it. After we had the glycerin melted we put coloring into the liquid.

It was pretty tough getting enough black dye in the soap to make the finished soap look totally black. Our second effort was much better than the first. The first batch looked a dark gray. The red was easy. We just eyeballed the color as we put it in the mix and we could easily tell when it was bloody Bulldawg red.

We poured it in the little molds and put them in the refrigerator. Later we wound up with about 30 pieces of soap that I divided and placed into small cellophane bags that Aunt Kay had bought along with some really neat tulle I used to make bows at the tops of the bags as I packaged the soap.

Now we had ten bags of red and black soap in the shape of little handbags, shoes and flip flops. There were shoes to please the women and red and black colors to please both men and women. It was beautiful soap. Uncle Ben says the final test is when we find out if anybody else liked the soap as much as we liked it.

We spent the rest of the evening watching three hours of Honey Boo Boo. Paul had come over and he said he didn’t want anybody knowing he had watched Honey-Boo-Boo for three hours. He said he had never seen over three minutes of Honey-Boo-Boo and this prolonged exposure to such idiocy had seriously deteriorated any viable brain cells he might have had remaining.

Uncle Ben stood up and fell over in a swoon. He said he went to the bathroom three times so he could gag privately. He also said something about he would rather watch boar hogs mating in a deep swamp quagmire for 24 straight hours rather than ever see Honey-Boo-Boo again. I’m not sure what that means either but I’m pretty sure you won’t ever be able to catch the Honey-Boo-Boo show at Uncle Ben’s house.

Aunt Kay was more graceful about the whole thing. She slept through it the entire three hours. I think it made her really tired.

Shoes, purses and flip flops for the Red and Black!

Shoes, purses and flip flops for the Red and Black!