Damning the Spamming

I need some help here. The few hairs left on my head are 99.14% gray and when I look at myself in the mirror every morning, the color of my hair is my best reminder that I know next to nothing about computers. I don’t think I really need to know much as long as we have all these bright young people around who can answer my dumb questions.

But spamming is a totally different question. The young and brave of heart seem just as frustrated, confused and generally mad as hell as I am when I see spammy crap all over my monitor every day that has nothing to do with me. We absolutely must have a way to get back at these nut cases who continually waste our time. We are spending the better part of our lives dealing with pure junk that leaves us miserable and sick of having to look at something we do not want to see and did not invite into our cozy cloud.

Where are all the bright young minds that can help us? It would be fun to be able to spam spammers right back with a double dose of clutter as soon as they start clogging our airwaves with rubbish but all I really need is for some of y’all (y’all is Southern for y’all) to tell me how to get my hands on them.

I’m aware you already know this but let me go ahead and tell you why:

I turned 71 in November. I do not really need three shoe boxes full of Viagra. I do not want to spend the twelve cents the three boxes are going to cost me. I do not want any Viagra. I want to live a bit longer. Using Viagra to extend my life is not an option for me.

I do not want a Chinese wife. I do not want a Russian wife. I do not want to meet some woman under 50. I have a wife and her age is over 50 and her age is fine with me. She’s a buzz saw that I can’t begin to keep up with so why would I need two of them. Even if I could get a new one who is only 50, I thought I just made it clear that I would like to live a little longer. I don’t want to meet any young Christian women and, more importantly, I do not want to meet any women who are heathens, young or old.

I am sick of seeing my financial status simultaneously skyrocket and plummet. I am getting tired of seeing hundreds of offers of loans for weird sums ranging from $1,016.00 to $1533.00.

I have been warned many thousands of times that the new auto insurance laws in Georgia will allow me to insure seven vehicles for four dollars a year. After the warnings are issued, follow-up e-mails harshly chastise me for not heeding the first forty thousand warnings.

I used to like Dr. Oz but if I get one more message from him about trying out his diet plan, I’m having a doll made in his likeness by a local Hatian voodoo guru. The price includes six long sharp jabbing needles. Old Doc Oz is going to need a new cure. You’ll see him begging for relief on “The Doctors'” show.

The huge insult these despicable pieces of trash pile on to the vast heap of injury they deliver us daily is…..none of the illiterate bastards can spell or type. I just got one that says, “Disappointed with sexual helath?” I’ve got to be truthful here. I think I have always been disappointed with my sexual helath I showed this to Katie Mae and she said, “That’s health dumbo. They misspelled it.” I hated to tell her I thought it was Italian for somehow getting the heels of your feet involved in a sexual act. I don’t think she could have handled the thought.

So now if you young problem solvers can bring these people out of the cracks in the woodwork and go to work on them the outpouring of gratitude from the masses would be mind boggling. No telling how fast your financial status would skyrocket.

Why can’t you develop a fairly nonviolent program like the one the gamers are always using to blow their enemies to smithereens? I can see the spammer’s dirty words being machine gunned into tiny bits with the letters to each word falling into pieces smaller than confetti at their very own feet before he or she can even get a word off.

If that is too violent and not politically correct for some people how about rounding up a few spammers and bring them to me. The effect will be the same. When I get through with five or six of them (I tire easily) I’ll let the rest go. The word will spread like wildfire. I’m old. I still believe in corporal punishment. I have an iron post out back that I can chain them to. I will cane their sorry asses to within an inch of their worthless lives. There will be no more spammers on the East Coast. You folks out west can just go ahead and shoot the ones we send you. I know most of you are like me and don’t give much of a damn about whether to be PC or not to be PC.