Happy Thanksgiving! The Amazing Butterball Caper.

The finger turkey maybe using the wrong finger whether hitch hiking away from here are telling us how much he appreciates us as being #1 in his heart.

The finger turkey maybe using the wrong finger whether hitch hiking away from here are telling us how much he appreciates us as being #1 in his heart.

I’m sure most of you know by now that Butterball has a big skinny turkey problem on its hands. Their turkeys refused to get fat for Thanksgiving. In a unique ploy in all of turkey history since the Pilgrims feasted on the big birds the turkeys have protested en masse.

The Butterball folks say you have got to have a 16 pound (or heavier) bird to satisfy the turkey hungry multitudes and Butterball’s supply of large fresh turkeys failed to meet the national criteria of a fat, suitable for stuffing, table ready, Thanksgiving fowl. I don’t mean to imply the turkeys give thanks. That’s undoubtedly the reason they did not choose to “Pork Up” this year. They are not thankful.

This is totally serious for Butterball. For every four 12 pound turkeys produced by Butterball, a big 16 pounder has gone missing. What in the world is going on here?

Butterball CEO Rod Brenneman thinks he has a big mystery on his hands but I think the answer is in a statement he made to the press. He said turkeys are, “biological creatures,” subject to a variety of factors.

He obviously does not understand the impact of his own words. Turkeys are “biological creatures” and, as such, are subject to a variety of factors. I think the seriousness of this statement warrants my repeating it. It might be of some interest to Mr Brenneman that perhaps the birds have been off their feed for a number of reasons just as he intimated in his statement.

First of all did you try some stupid magic elixir that cost less and you mistakenly believed the turkeys were going to make more meat out of less feed? Was this a problem of a self-inflicted diet by Butterball?

Second – Did you try to cut corners by feeding them moldy feed you bought from the Chinese? You know the Chinese mix their turkey feed with old powdered wall board left over from construction projects gone bad. The wall board is salvaged from collapsed apartment building sites.

The third possibility is Butterball has been infiltrated by PITA. The PITA people working uncover in the Butterball facilities have been cutting back on the feed and they have also introduced a dietary supplement in the turkey feed that keeps the birds at a maintainable low weight. PITA is on the prowl in your plants, Mr. Brenneman. Ferret out the wrongdoers and force feed them large turkey cahones fried to the consistency of powdered wallboard from China.

Fourth and last of all and maybe of more importance than other guesses is the possibility someone has been using voodoo on the Butterball turkeys. Once again, this could be the work of the PITA people. I would be willing to bet PITA has gone out and found a Turkey Priest who has been using mental telepathy to urge your young turkeys to eat less and to go on strict diets. They were also told to do more dancing like the old fashioned, “Turkey Trot.” I know its a bird-brained idea but we all know PITA people are strange birds.

I see in the news that Whole Foods and Cargill have not had any problems with the “Slim Bird Syndrome.”

I hope I have given Butterball some good leads on how to pursue the answer to the problem. At any rate, Mr. Brenneman it’s all food for thought and we are talking real turkey here.

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Beware of Deadly Diets – Feasting Season Is Upon Us

Funny-Pig on treadmillPumpkin PatchYou’re religiously examining your present diet closely. You are fasting because you know all bets are off starting soon. The odor of food as yet uncooked is already wafting through the cool, thin fall air because your powerless mind has willed it to be so. You are hungry now, Now, NOW! You are in basic training just so you can body slam any weight-watching do-gooder who attempts to save you by getting between you and the holiday feast and the next feast and the next feast.

You know you are unlimited. There are no controls on you once it begins. You can put large fat-laden sows to shame when the doors to the dining room are swung open to let your big fanny roll on in.  You’ll eat like a pig from the last week in November through the first week in the new year.

And it’s coming soon. There will be a month of unbridled mad-masticating beginning at the end of November and rushing unchecked through Christmas until the first of January. I’ll bet January is the best month of the year for dentists everywhere.

Now that we have all agreed on how we are going to run full-tilt to the dinner tables for days on end let me be the first to warn you:

THERE IS SOME BAD FOOD OUT THERE.

Don’t be so reckless as to attempt to eat anything you can wrap your greasy fist around. Be aware of your food sources. Some of this might not apply to you but it never hurts to be on the alert for sour grits.

Back in July the Chinese Police raided a food storage site that had over 20 tons of rotten chicken feet smuggled in from Viet Nam. Some of this meat was 46 years old. It had been treated with bleach and chemicals to give it color and to mask the odor. Give up your intense craving for chicken feet. They are not good for you.

Also you should not live with your chickens in the same house as the Chinese do. There are more and more strains of deadly chicken flu propagating and floating around, especially in Egypt and China so stay out of those places and eat your chickens, don’t sleep with them.

Illegal imports of bear paws are booming. These too are rotten and cooking them covers up the odor. Give up your intense desire to devour bear paws. They are not good for you.

Another big health problem is MERS-CoV (Middle East Respiratory Syndrome Coronavirus). It can kill you and they are not sure how it is transmitted but in the past other coronaviruses were found to be transmitted by bats. Right now it is centered near Saudi Arabia and the Arabian Peninsula. There is also a new flu virus found in Peruvian bats. Bat meat for the holidays is out of the question. Quell your yearning for bat meat. It is not good for you.

This MERS-CoV might also be contracted by eating spoiled dromedary camel meat. Spoiled camel meat has also been found to contain the Bubonic Plague disease. Ride your camels. Do not eat them. Subdue your longing for camel meat. It is not good for you.

Closer to home, be aware that the Bubonic plague is alive and well in the good old US of A. Do not eat any of the following meats. They may contain the Bubonic Plague: Mice, ground squirrels, Mexican Wood Rats, prairie dogs and Black-Footed Ferrets.

If you were keeping any of the above named varmints in fattening pens awaiting the big day when you can add them to your tasty holiday treats….forgeddaboutit!!

Now that you have been warned I can tell you Southerners it is safe to eat deer, gator, and frog legs. If you are a more traditional eater like the old fat boy here, eat your fill of turkey, ham and beef and have no regrets that we never even started a 2013 diet. We only promised we would begin dieting sometime in January of 2014.

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