To Kill a Watermelon.

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Sometimes the knife you use can be mistakenly identified as a passive-aggressive knife. The knife looks innocent enough but it’s really not blame free. You never know what a knife may do.

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This particular melon seems to have a sweet innocent demeanor no matter how you slice it.

A badly misunderstood  marijuana and watermelon lover from Connecticut is now facing disorderly conduct charges because his girl friend has accused him of carving a watermelon in a menacing and threatening way right before her very eyes. She said to investigating police he cut up the unresisting watermelon in a passive-aggressive manner.

She reported him on July 4 (how un-American this seems) because she found marijuana and other drugs in his tool box (well, my gosh, it was the Fourth of July). Cops did not arrest him but she said she came home later and found the watermelon stabbed deep into its heart with a large butcher knife still sticking from its center. Then this crazy guy reappears and with absolutely zero compassion for the melon he commenced to whack it in such a passive-aggressive manner that it struck a menacing fear in her heart.

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When you are seriously intending to feast on a big melon, this is the way you want to carve it. Do it with the love and tenderness it so rightfully deserves.

shark melon

I don’t think this is what the bad boy was carving. I think this is maybe how he looked during the aggressive part of his melon chopping caper.

So the police hauled him away and it cost him 500 bucks to get out of jail. I feel sure he is sorry for his outlandish behavior because this time of year, you can buy a pickup truck full of watermelons for that kind of cash (a small pickup truck). He probably didn’t even want any watermelon and I’ll bet it’s a long, long time before he wants another watermelon.

All this melon talk reminded me of Gallagher and of how many melons he has maliciously slaughtered during all his years of demonstrating his famous sledge-o-matic vegetable and fruit separator. And never once was he hauled to jail for killing all that good food. I would report him but I think the statute of limitations has run out on his crimes. There shouldn’t be a limitation but I guess there probably is one. Here’s one guy in Connecticut getting taken to jail and booked while Gallagher is still stumbling around out there somewhere taking wild swings at every kind of innocent fruit or vegetable you can think of. Gallagher is a mass murderer as far as I’m concerned.

Now I’m afraid to show my true feelings toward my food and while I was slicing squash for Katie Mae this morning I caught her giving me strange questioning looks to see if I were aggressively cutting the squash. I was so intimidated I took the squash to our bedroom closet to finish the job. I usually attack my food aggressively but now after seeing her watch me like that I’m considering taking small, passive nibbles from tonight’s squash casserole.

Five hundred bucks is a lot of money and we’re in Georgia. What if it cost you more to treat your food in a passive-aggressive manner in Georgia and, by the way, how can you use a large butcher knife to passively separate a watermelon from its heart?

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Here he is during one of his most aggressive attacks ever on our defenseless, helpless food chain. Justice has never been served when it comes to Gallagher and his endless assaults on our fruits and vegetables.


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